The End

It’s that time again.  It’s time to move.

8 months ago, I arrived in Bali to this same villa.  I remember throwing open the gate and being pulled into a vortex of community.  I felt like I’d come home.  Last year, I danced, I sang, I played, I learned.  I bathed in the simplicity of 3rd world splendour.

And the people!!…Everyone I met became an important part of my new family…teaching me how to speak, listen and love again…  Like a puzzle piece I slotted straight in.  Despite all challenges, I was in the right place.  I felt so good.

Fast forward to the present

So recently, I moved back.  Because things haven’t felt right recently.  And I wanted to recreate my happy place.  I couldn’t figure out what was so different.  But it just so happens it was another Moment In Time that I was trying to recreate, in my world that felt hysterical…in both a funny and crazy way.

It wasn’t the only reason it feels wrong.  .

I’m tired.  I move slowly… like I just want to get through this day, so I can go to bed.  And the next morning, I don’t want to leave my room.  I make myself leave.  I’m biding time.  I know I’m in the wrong place, but I haven’t quite summoned the courage to move yet.  I’ve been paralysed while my mind clicks away and my heart patiently doodles in the corner waiting for the mind to adjust to an inevitability.

Tonight I wanted to watch TV.  After a year of not watching ANY TV, I wanted to watch TV.  I wanted to watch Greys Anatomy.  I want to cozy up in front of my fire and just pretend that the outside world doesn’t exist…or that my place in it has been filled by someone else.

It’s better the second time round

That’s the message that Greys had to give me tonight.

Well, this resonated to me on a few levels.

No, theres no second time round with Scott.

No, this time round in Bali hasn’t been the same as the first – its been different.

But, Yes, there could be a better second time round for me…if I choose it.

The closing scene – do you remember when you were 7, and the dream you had about what you were going to do when you grew up?  Whatever that dream was, at 7, there were no obstacles, it just was.  It was certain.  It’s intriguing how adulting gets in the way of innocent, dreamy, childlike certainty.

I am exactly where I am.  It’s neither good nor bad.  Its reality.

S.A.D

I’m sad.

You know I thought that this would be the name of the book I’d write.  The acronym would stand for Stress, Anxiety, Depression.  It would be a story on love, loss and grief and how it can impact on health and wellness.  It would play on the themes of spirituality, vulnerability and existentialism.  It would help me.  It would help others.

It turns out the SAD also stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder.  It usually happens in winter.  It’s not cold here.  But its cold at home and I feel like I’m being affected by winter SAD.

Whatever.  I’m still sad.

Delayed Grief

My body is more finely tuned in than I am.  Often in the grief process, overwhelming feelings would hit me, only for me to realise that a certain date had passed, an anniversary or whatever.  My body was responding before my mind connected the dots.

I was surprised at this one.  Maybe I’ve just slowed down enough to be sensitive to it.   It took me awhile to figure out that last year, I was feeling exactly this way.  I’m revisiting and recycling those same feelings.

The same feeling of wanting to protect myself.

The same feeling of denying the world beyond the door.

The same feeling of incarceration.

It doesn’t matter where I am in the world, my body remembers the dates – I can’t run away from it.  And actually, its not for running from.  I can observe it now and understand it.  I know what it is.

But

The only way to stop the cycle, is to change the cycle.  This is what I have as my 6am calendar entry:

If you want to change your life, start by changing your day

Grief is Interminable

It doesn’t ever go away.

And neither do the mortgage, the bills and 6 month old mail.

So this is the end, my precious Ubud…

For now, our love affair is over.

I will take you, and all of your lessons, with me in my heart.

And I’ll return again, when you call me.

When it feels right.

The bubble

The relationship bubble
My friend would tell me that her previous relationship was like a colouring in picture.  Her man embodied the black lines. He was the structure, the encasement, the boundary and the containment.  She was the colour.  With this fluid combination of structure and colour knitted together, the picture came to life.  Sometimes the lines are blurred.  Sometimes the colours seep through the silhouette, but still the picture became more than the sum of both of them individually.

And such is the sometimes tenuous link between the masculine and feminine, where a role is played by both.  The result should always be a union that has structure, colour, freedom and flexibility that allows something beautiful with a life of its own to emerge – 1+ 1 = 3.

But sometimes in our modern society, roles are stretched, pushed, changed and reversed.

Sometimes there is no black and white.  There is no colour.  There are only shades of grey…because the bubble bursts unexpectedly.

The village bubble

What is  the natural course of nature?

Our bodies yearn for a place that is innately part of our DNA.  To return home is the most empowering feeling, because its where we’re meant to be.

We are animals.  We are predators.
We are hunters.  We are gatherers.  We are procreators.  We are living representations of evolution.

But when did this circle of life become so complicated?  How and why did a project or a looming sales target become the catalyst for changes in body chemistry that used to be reserved for survival when faced with a life or death situation.

When did the mind become the saber tooth tiger?  When did the beast start to attack us?

When did we decide this beast could terrorise so many people in the village? Why couldn’t the village come up with a solution?

Where are the villages?

We find our villages at work, on facebook, at networking meetings and sales seminars.  Yes this is our community.  Yes we are surrounded by people.  Yes we are entertained.

But are we satisfied, at an intimate level or do we still feel alone?  Are we still isolated on our islands?  Drowning in fear.  Still afraid to face our grey?

At our most vulnerable, fragile and natural states, we crave connection.  Not words.  Not messages.  We crave deep understanding.  Touch.  Emotion.  We want to feel a place in our village where we can authentically embody this intimacy. .. to feel nurtured…included…wanted..needed…We want to be part of the picture.  We want to drift between every colour imaginable…knowing that to be this connected is a choice…to walk away or to move forward with purpose knowing the village is behind us resolutely holding ground.

Where is this mythical village?  Where are these mythical people?  Are they mythical like the saber tooth?  I live in this village.  Its a real place but it doesn’t feel REAL. It feels like a bubble.

The world does not feel like a bubble

A bubble can isolate, lift, separate or protect

FEAR.  All I know is if I take a step back, retreat into my bubble and look outside, I am scared of what the world has become.  I am scared of what it has moulded me into.  I’m scared of what its thrown at the people I love.  Did they invite it in?  Did I invite it in?  Did thousands and millions of people ask to suffer their way through life?

There are 1001 versions of Diease.  Cancer.  Depression.  Anxiety.  Stress.  Sadness.  Aloneness.  Despair.  Murder.  Abuse.  Suicide.  Hopelessness.  Hunger.

I want to know if everyone thinks this is a normal reality?  It shouldn’t be this complicated.

KISS Is your version of happiness and fulfilment the same as mine?  Do you question the insanity of life?  Do you yearn for simplicity and quiet?

I have a very serious question to ask.

How do I get the saber tooth out without popping my bubble?

Top 20 tips for Ultimate Mind, Body & Soul health

The body appears to be largely self-motivated and independent, yet it actually responds only to the intentions of the mind. If the mind wants to use it for attack in any form, it becomes prey to sickness, age and decay.

-A course in miracles

“All dis-ease can be reversed by simply reversing mental patterns.”  This is a quote from Louise Hays book, Heal your body, which I used to cure (alongside many other holistic therapies) my liver condition.  I also use it to help counsel other people to find the stored emotion behind their ongoing health issues.   It works!  I have people who can provide testimony to this!

Heritage: In all cases, be mindful of your heritage in terms of what works for you.  For example a mixture of Western and Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) Qi gong and Chinese medicine works really well for me because I’m half Chinese, half European…though 100% Kiwi! !

Origin  Also be mindful of the country you live in or that you grew up in.   For example I grew up in small town New Zealand with clean air, water and access to mountains and nature.  It was quiet, not busy.  So naturally it makes sense that I’m drawn to live in a small community where everybody knows your name.   Your body will take time to adapt to new foods and environments..or..it might not adapt at all..in which case you should consider moving to the place you feel at home.

As always, use your intuition on what you need.   If you need help ‘seeing yourself’, then simply ask a friend or family member!  We see each other better than we see ourselves!  But make sure to ask someone whose opinion you respect,  They don’t need to be knowledgeable on the subject. But they should know you well.  If that fails..ring in the experts and pay for good advice!

Here are my top 20 tips for Ultimate Mind, Body & Soul health:

1.  Earth.  Ground yourself.  Commune with nature.  Everyday…for as long as you can.  Hiking up a mountain is my favourite.  However I get tremendous healing energy from connecting with trees.  Simply sit or stand with your back and head against a tree.  If you can, place your hands on the roots of the tree or the trunk also.  Breathe in its goodness (oxygen).  Breathe out your toxins (carbon dioxide).  I feel this in my body wherever it needs it most.  Supplement: Earthing sheet

2.  Fire.  Follow the sun.  Get 15 minutes of sunshine on your forearms daily.  To reset your circadian rhythm, eyeball the sunrise and sunset.
Supplement:  Vitamin D3
Treatment: Ultra Violet light

3.  Wind.  Breathe.  Breathe from your diaphragm.  Breathe in fully expanding your diaphragm outwards.  Keep sucking in oxygen until you can’t.  Then breathe out.  Breathe out fully, blowing out until theres no air left in your lungs.  Most people don’t breathe out long enough.  Download an app that can help you if this is challenging.  I find Kundalini yoga is amazing.
Supplement: Oxy powder
Treatment: Ozone treatment.

4.  Rain.  Water.  Hydrate yourself.  The rule is..”Drink until your pee is pale”Add the juice of 1/2 lemon or 1 T of Apple Cider Vinegar to 600ml of water.  If you drink loads of water and pee a lot but your thirst isn’t quenched,  drink alkalized water OR add a pinch of himalayan salts to your water OR take a mouthful of seawater!
Supplement: hydrating salts (no sugar, from pharmacy)
Treatment: Colonic Irrigation.  Swimming in fresh or salt water.

5.  Movement.  Whatever floats your boat.  For me, I operate best on: Light cardio to get my  heartrate up first thing in the morning. Hiking, Yoga, Qi gong. Anything that gets me focussed on the task at hand..circulation!
Treatment:   Bodywork. Remedial or Sports massage.  Ortho-bionomy alignment.

6.  Eliminate effectively.  Poo! You should be doing No.2’s at least daily.  It should be a mid brown colour, shaped like a long smooth, continuous sausage.  The best way to poo is to squat like the Chinese do. If you don’t feel safe sitting on your toilet seat, use a stool to raise your feet up.  This puts all your bits in the right alignment for perfect elimination without stressing your body.
Supplement:  Digestive enzymes with every meal or Apple Cider Vinegar before/after meals.  Coffee enema.  Or any kind of enema that you body asks for.  As examples I’ve done garlic, chlorella, green juice.
Treatment: Colonic Irrigation.  Lymphatic drainage massage.

7.  Mind: Be mindful of your thoughts.  Affirm.

8.  Soul: Have fun.  Lighten up.

9.  Soul: Be creative.  Dance, Sing, draw, writeListen to Soulful music – that’s the music that makes your heart sing!  However be mindful of the lyrics and any subliminal messaging that your mind might be taking too literally.

10.  Soul: Follow your intuition.  Follow the breadcrumbs.  Be on your path.

11. Build your Community, your tribe….a great support network of positive light filled people. Visit regularly for open, frank yet inspiring discussion….and FUN & LAUGHTER!!
Mind:  Journelling, blogging.  Eliminate all narcissists and people that no longer serve you from your life.  Limit time with low/bad energy people.

12.  Soul: Keep the faith.  Continue to have hope.  Trust the process.  Know that you’re exactly where you’re meant to be.

13.  Take ACTION!  Don’t give up until the end.  Be strong. Be resilient.
Body: JUST DO IT!

14.  Love yourself. Put yourself first.  Express gratitude to your body for getting you this far.
Mind: Be mindful of Self talk
Body: Affirmations.  Express gratitude.  Think/speak positively.

15.  Soul: Love everyone unconditionally. Resist blame. Resist unkindness. 

16.  Meditate. 
Mind/Body/Soul: Sound healing.  Vipassana.  Sensory Deprivation eg. Sitting in the forrest at night, listening only to the sounds of nature (without your iphone!!)

17.  Energy healing.
Soul/Body:  Reiki.  Babies and animals.  They’re pure and open with powerful energy.

18.  Expertise.  Surround yourself with the best experts.  People who are on your page…that you trust impicitly.
Mind:  ‘How to heal your body’ by Louise L Hay.  This book is my bible.  It aligns your physically manifested dis-ease with the emotion that created it.

19.  Soul: Know that you are Devine, created by a powerful Universal force, connected consciously with everything around you.  You are a perfect creation of God.

20.  Throw the rule books out. You are unique. Your family is unique.  Your situation is unique. You require a unique solution

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Lovina Love

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I found this blog in my drafts.  I wrote it while I was in Lovina, Bali in October last year.  I was in such a good space, having just done my third retreat in 3 months.  The beach or any place in nature is a place where I can truly access heartspace.  The quote is something I wrote at a retreat in Taupo.  It still resonates with me.

October 2014 ……So anyway I can confirm that the best way to write a blog is after 2 hours of deep tissue massage and reflexology,  while getting a pedicure (but before deep cleansing clay mask)…Getting up at 2am to climb a volcano to see a spectacular surprise is also acceptable inspiration.

This is my third full day in Lovina and I feel like I’ve been here forever.  I’ve taken to a dreamy schedule of walks on the beach, yoga, meditation, swimming and blogging.  Every evening I meet Putu my fruit lady and Evi on the beach at 5.30pm. Putu peels mangos and opens the young coconut that she scoured the market looking for for me that afternoon.  We watch the sunset with the gathering crowd of locals and tourists, and talk about how much fruit Putu sold that day. Our feet in the sand, the last vestiges of the sun drifting away and children playing in the water.

Mostly everyone here is called Putu, Made, or Wayan.  This makes things very challenging in my contacts list:

Made the photographer

Made the driver

Putu the fruit lady

Putu the manager of the villas

However, you can be sure there’s a 1 in 3 chance of getting their name correct!

Made the Photographer  You know the story of Made the photographer who invited me to the Balinese wedding?  I visited his shop.   He invited me in.  He’d bought a bag full of mangos for me, which he expertly cut up for us to share lunch.  I expressed my disappointment to Made that while all the coconut trees were chocka with nuts, noone was selling young coconuts anywhere…so off we went on a little adventure to a little village to find me my coconut…such is the way things are done in Lovina.

Evi the midwife  I first met Evi when I was haggling with Putu for my mangosteens.  The second night she bought me some amazing Balinese snacks to try.  Then we went for a little adventure on her scooter to a Warung (local outside eatery)  for dinner with locals.  $2.50 for 2 of us – including iced tea – ka-ching!  As we were saying goodbye she exclaimed that she loved me like her sister.  Also she wondered if I’d like to marry her brother – he’s a good man after all!!????????

Made the driver  After the hike, we dropped some friends to Amed and it was just myself and Made the driver, who was dropping me back to Lovina.  The conversation went something like this:

M-There was no talking at 2am when I pick you up

K – No, we were very sleepy

M– Because they were in the back

K – (puzzled..wheres this going??)

M – You are not tourist

K – what do you mean?

M – You are too skinny and brown. Tourists are fat and white. This hard to say, but think you are very beautiful.  You are normal. I am normal. I not have girlfriend.  I think I love you.  We can get married. Tomorrow you meet parents. You teach yoga from my house.

K – (stop the bus.  Whaaat???!!!)  Ahhhhh  ummm…….beautiful weather today…how about that view??

Sending you some Lovina magic!

Ponicorn x

The 7 stages of grief

The seven emotional stages of grief are usually understood to be shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope. Symptoms of grief can be emotional, physical, social, or religious in nature.

One day, after 3 years of tough times, when Scott was at his lowest and I didn’t know what else to do, Luger came into our lives.  An 8 week old ball of fluff and cuteness.  A doberman puppy.  He was for Scott.  But I loved that puppy.  And I didn’t expect to love him.  He was the runt of the litter, and when I saw him fall asleep standing up, isolated from the other puppies, I just had to have him.

LUGER DEC 2008 012Kirsty and her boyslast day with the dogs 027

Luger was different.  He thought he was a person.  Because he was treated as a person.  He got away with everything.  He’d eat anything.  My underwear, socks, whole tubs of butter.  He’d take wallets into the paddock and run through the long grass, scattering cards and notes.

Sleeping on the ground was not for him.  He’d jump and scratch his way up any car door to get inside to a plush comfortable seat.  When he got the ok to hop onto our bed, he’d burrow his way under the blankets until he was right at the end, curled up happily between our feet.

He was so naughty, because we let him be naughty…because he was adorable and we were so in love with him.

When we settled in for a long winters night, with the fire going, Luger would jump on the couch, buried in cushions.  Puppyworld.  Its an amazing place to live.

Scott loved Luger, and Luger loved Scott.  They had a special bond.

We both cried when we had to leave both our puppies behind to go to Hong Kong.  It felt so wrong to leave our babies behind.

 

Luger died on the 30th November 2014.  A year to the day of Scott’s funeral.  I like to think that Scott called him home.  That’s the only thing that makes me ok with him dying.

I only found out he died a few days ago.  I tried to dismiss his death, but I can’t, because this has truly been the worst 14 months of my life.

I’m only human.   And Scott and Luger, they were my family.  I loved that puppy.  And I’m so sad that hes gone.

Shock

I see fire

Depression

Breakeven

Denial

Beneath your beautiful

Bargaining

One more night

Guilt

We are done

Acceptance

Let it be

Hope

Every time you cry

Love never felt so good

Yesterday, everything changed.

My mentor and dear friend Jehanne gave me a piece of advice that has become a daily guidance…a way of being:

Let life unfold

Since I’ve been in Bali I’ve been running myself ragged.  I’ve been running from workshops to healing sessions, to school, then out late every night with friends.  All of my sessions have added a piece to the puzzle.  However if I were to feel into what has bought me closer to my quest,  there are 2 sessions that have literally changed my life.  One of them was an ozone treatment with my talented friend Barni.  The other my session yesterday with Tino.

I could never discount my other sessions by simply comparing them to these 2. But perhaps I can give you an insight into the significance of the feeling attached. This is what I said to my friend after she asked how my session was:

“I’ve just had one of those experiences that change and shape the fabric of your life”

………Scotty came to my session with Tino yesterday.  He came to bathe me in love and light.   It was a heart breaking, beautiful session.  He’s always watching over me.  He says he doesn’t visit because he doesn’t want to make me sadder than I am….

Tino is many things…a psychic, healer, shamen and bodyworker.  He saves people.

Tino’s session was physically and emotionally painful.  But it felt so right.
His expertise lies in releasing emotions trapped in the body, emotions that have manifested themselves in physical illness.  He unlocks the energy.   He disperses it by…belching..yeap..he burps it out..just like John Coffey in the movie Green Mile..you know the movie with Tom Hanks??  It’s so surreal. .

He did a lot of work with me around getting me out of my head and into my heart…also unlocking my throat chakra.   He was asking me to let it go.  I knew I had to let it go.   I could feel it in my body,  but I didn’t know how.  Because I was thinking.   Not feeling.  It’s my natural, comfortable state of being to revert back to ego rather than face being vulnerable.

Everything has changed for the better.

My sentient abilities have a little offshoot that you might have read about yesterday. .I’m also an empath.   Basically I feel others emotions.   I’ve experienced this ability to its full extent, twice now.  Both emergency situations.  Both scared the shit out of me and made me feel crazy, volatile.

However, recently I’ve begun to ‘settle into’ these abilities and much more beautiful experiences have occurred.  Recently,  whenever I think about a friend and her newly acquainted love interest, I feel her love for him and love songs pop into my head that I’m compelled to pass on.

This is of course a reflection of my hearts desire.  I want everyone to have what Scotty and I had.   I want them to experience what we felt.

This post is a pivotal post for me.  Many of you don’t understand my quest..what drives me to exhaustion.  Chris helped me to understand this concept properly:

Mastery of Mind, Body and Spirit

One of the questions I ask all of my mentors regularly is, ‘ What do I need to do right now to develop myself today?  Tino asked me to simply feel my way..heart over head…

With that in mind I’m going to step out of my brain and into my heart and share with you the first song that Scotty ever gave to me.

In my quest for mastery I went searching far and wide.  Yes I’ve found answers.  Yes I’ve found tools.  That information is serving to help me unlock the secrets I’ve been carrying with me all along.

I’ll tell you another little secret. .

What you have right now in this moment is perfect, beautiful, and can become everything that you want it to be. It simply takes some effort, some communication, and a whole lotta’ love!

I invite you to take a day where you simply go where your heart leads you.  Strengthen your intuition.  Follow the breadcrumbs.

Let life unfold.

A song for you:  Maybe this song will describe the ‘place’ I go to sometimes.  It used to be all the time.  Now its just sometimes.   But whenever Inna & I go to Shisha and listen to our fav singer Justine…this is always a mandatory ‘dance or you’re fired’ song.

A video for you:   I like to think of it as Love in Motion.  It is simply beautiful, and stands as a testament to what everyone can create when they are full of passion about what they love doing, and who they love doing it with 🙂

References:
How to know if you’re in a Spiritual partnership

How to protect yourself as an empath