The End

It’s that time again.  It’s time to move.

8 months ago, I arrived in Bali to this same villa.  I remember throwing open the gate and being pulled into a vortex of community.  I felt like I’d come home.  Last year, I danced, I sang, I played, I learned.  I bathed in the simplicity of 3rd world splendour.

And the people!!…Everyone I met became an important part of my new family…teaching me how to speak, listen and love again…  Like a puzzle piece I slotted straight in.  Despite all challenges, I was in the right place.  I felt so good.

Fast forward to the present

So recently, I moved back.  Because things haven’t felt right recently.  And I wanted to recreate my happy place.  I couldn’t figure out what was so different.  But it just so happens it was another Moment In Time that I was trying to recreate, in my world that felt hysterical…in both a funny and crazy way.

It wasn’t the only reason it feels wrong.  .

I’m tired.  I move slowly… like I just want to get through this day, so I can go to bed.  And the next morning, I don’t want to leave my room.  I make myself leave.  I’m biding time.  I know I’m in the wrong place, but I haven’t quite summoned the courage to move yet.  I’ve been paralysed while my mind clicks away and my heart patiently doodles in the corner waiting for the mind to adjust to an inevitability.

Tonight I wanted to watch TV.  After a year of not watching ANY TV, I wanted to watch TV.  I wanted to watch Greys Anatomy.  I want to cozy up in front of my fire and just pretend that the outside world doesn’t exist…or that my place in it has been filled by someone else.

It’s better the second time round

That’s the message that Greys had to give me tonight.

Well, this resonated to me on a few levels.

No, theres no second time round with Scott.

No, this time round in Bali hasn’t been the same as the first – its been different.

But, Yes, there could be a better second time round for me…if I choose it.

The closing scene – do you remember when you were 7, and the dream you had about what you were going to do when you grew up?  Whatever that dream was, at 7, there were no obstacles, it just was.  It was certain.  It’s intriguing how adulting gets in the way of innocent, dreamy, childlike certainty.

I am exactly where I am.  It’s neither good nor bad.  Its reality.

S.A.D

I’m sad.

You know I thought that this would be the name of the book I’d write.  The acronym would stand for Stress, Anxiety, Depression.  It would be a story on love, loss and grief and how it can impact on health and wellness.  It would play on the themes of spirituality, vulnerability and existentialism.  It would help me.  It would help others.

It turns out the SAD also stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder.  It usually happens in winter.  It’s not cold here.  But its cold at home and I feel like I’m being affected by winter SAD.

Whatever.  I’m still sad.

Delayed Grief

My body is more finely tuned in than I am.  Often in the grief process, overwhelming feelings would hit me, only for me to realise that a certain date had passed, an anniversary or whatever.  My body was responding before my mind connected the dots.

I was surprised at this one.  Maybe I’ve just slowed down enough to be sensitive to it.   It took me awhile to figure out that last year, I was feeling exactly this way.  I’m revisiting and recycling those same feelings.

The same feeling of wanting to protect myself.

The same feeling of denying the world beyond the door.

The same feeling of incarceration.

It doesn’t matter where I am in the world, my body remembers the dates – I can’t run away from it.  And actually, its not for running from.  I can observe it now and understand it.  I know what it is.

But

The only way to stop the cycle, is to change the cycle.  This is what I have as my 6am calendar entry:

If you want to change your life, start by changing your day

Grief is Interminable

It doesn’t ever go away.

And neither do the mortgage, the bills and 6 month old mail.

So this is the end, my precious Ubud…

For now, our love affair is over.

I will take you, and all of your lessons, with me in my heart.

And I’ll return again, when you call me.

When it feels right.

Love never felt so good

Yesterday, everything changed.

My mentor and dear friend Jehanne gave me a piece of advice that has become a daily guidance…a way of being:

Let life unfold

Since I’ve been in Bali I’ve been running myself ragged.  I’ve been running from workshops to healing sessions, to school, then out late every night with friends.  All of my sessions have added a piece to the puzzle.  However if I were to feel into what has bought me closer to my quest,  there are 2 sessions that have literally changed my life.  One of them was an ozone treatment with my talented friend Barni.  The other my session yesterday with Tino.

I could never discount my other sessions by simply comparing them to these 2. But perhaps I can give you an insight into the significance of the feeling attached. This is what I said to my friend after she asked how my session was:

“I’ve just had one of those experiences that change and shape the fabric of your life”

………Scotty came to my session with Tino yesterday.  He came to bathe me in love and light.   It was a heart breaking, beautiful session.  He’s always watching over me.  He says he doesn’t visit because he doesn’t want to make me sadder than I am….

Tino is many things…a psychic, healer, shamen and bodyworker.  He saves people.

Tino’s session was physically and emotionally painful.  But it felt so right.
His expertise lies in releasing emotions trapped in the body, emotions that have manifested themselves in physical illness.  He unlocks the energy.   He disperses it by…belching..yeap..he burps it out..just like John Coffey in the movie Green Mile..you know the movie with Tom Hanks??  It’s so surreal. .

He did a lot of work with me around getting me out of my head and into my heart…also unlocking my throat chakra.   He was asking me to let it go.  I knew I had to let it go.   I could feel it in my body,  but I didn’t know how.  Because I was thinking.   Not feeling.  It’s my natural, comfortable state of being to revert back to ego rather than face being vulnerable.

Everything has changed for the better.

My sentient abilities have a little offshoot that you might have read about yesterday. .I’m also an empath.   Basically I feel others emotions.   I’ve experienced this ability to its full extent, twice now.  Both emergency situations.  Both scared the shit out of me and made me feel crazy, volatile.

However, recently I’ve begun to ‘settle into’ these abilities and much more beautiful experiences have occurred.  Recently,  whenever I think about a friend and her newly acquainted love interest, I feel her love for him and love songs pop into my head that I’m compelled to pass on.

This is of course a reflection of my hearts desire.  I want everyone to have what Scotty and I had.   I want them to experience what we felt.

This post is a pivotal post for me.  Many of you don’t understand my quest..what drives me to exhaustion.  Chris helped me to understand this concept properly:

Mastery of Mind, Body and Spirit

One of the questions I ask all of my mentors regularly is, ‘ What do I need to do right now to develop myself today?  Tino asked me to simply feel my way..heart over head…

With that in mind I’m going to step out of my brain and into my heart and share with you the first song that Scotty ever gave to me.

In my quest for mastery I went searching far and wide.  Yes I’ve found answers.  Yes I’ve found tools.  That information is serving to help me unlock the secrets I’ve been carrying with me all along.

I’ll tell you another little secret. .

What you have right now in this moment is perfect, beautiful, and can become everything that you want it to be. It simply takes some effort, some communication, and a whole lotta’ love!

I invite you to take a day where you simply go where your heart leads you.  Strengthen your intuition.  Follow the breadcrumbs.

Let life unfold.

A song for you:  Maybe this song will describe the ‘place’ I go to sometimes.  It used to be all the time.  Now its just sometimes.   But whenever Inna & I go to Shisha and listen to our fav singer Justine…this is always a mandatory ‘dance or you’re fired’ song.

A video for you:   I like to think of it as Love in Motion.  It is simply beautiful, and stands as a testament to what everyone can create when they are full of passion about what they love doing, and who they love doing it with 🙂

References:
How to know if you’re in a Spiritual partnership

How to protect yourself as an empath