A lesson in being authentic
I’m lying in my bed in a hostel in Brisbane, doing 1001 things at once. I haven’t been outside yet. I’m about as happy as a pig in sh#t. Why? Because this is what I love to do the most. Geeking out, writing, chatting with friends, researching, reading, eating. I get bored doing one thing. I’m a multi tasker. At the moment I have two browsers open with 17 tabs live. I rarely finish a project. I’m enthralled and excited about my latest idea and require co-dependants in order to moderate me and help me turn my dreams into reality.
My bed is a pigsty. It’s covered in food, underwear and books. But I’m happy…..in Poniworld, dreaming about my next adventure…
The question I’m posing to myself today is, “Do I really love yoga, or do I just love the way it makes me feel”. And can I get that feeling somewhere else? The answer is Yes, I LOVE yoga – but I resent having to leave Poniworld to go do yoga. I had to pose the question to myself, because sometimes, I just don’t know the question to ANYTHING until I start writing…..because I’m such a procrastinator and because from time to time my arrogance gets the better of me. I know I’ll love yoga when I get there, but getting myself out the door is such a chore. Yoga really helps me to relax and breathe. And breathing is definitely one of my more (challenging but) favourite things to do.
Whats stopping me?
We all know that we should have 5 servings of vegetables a day, but its such a damn pain in the ass, because what we really want is the big fat calorie laden cheesecake. In my experience, 1 piece is never enough. I want 3 pieces.
Even though we know we’re going to feel disgusting tomorrow, even though we really want to get rid of that muffin top, we still want to eat the whole cheesecake.
I know that if I head out the door to the park thats just across the road, that I’ll immediately feel grounded, peaceful and at home….and yet I’ve convinced myself that geeking out is the best thing for me today. I’ve convinced myself that my optimal day involves playing and eating junk food ALL day… Because its a lot bloody easier than making a little effort for a greater good! Actually my general rule is ..there’s nothing wrong with doing that.. but not everyday, not for a lifetime.
Actually today, I’m ok with vegetating because I did a lot of exercise yesterday. I’m also ok with existing in amongst a huge mess, lying on 1/5 of the bed because the rest of its covered in ….EVERYTHING. And I’m ok with not having to talk or socialise with a single soul because I do lots of that usually. I do a lot. My problem is that I find it difficult to take time to relax and slow down.
….I don’t usually give myself permission to rest. Why? Because I feel pressured by the people I’m surrounded by, to behave in a certain way. Because I feel like I’ve wasted time. When I’m honest with myself, my fear is of being AUTHENTIC. Being authentic means being seen. Being seen means I have an audience. Having an audience installs fear in me. I cannot succeed if I have a fear of success.
Everything is my own perception. My pressure is created by me from an outdated, irrelevant, learned desire to please everyone but myself. This state does not serve me……so its out, along with anything else that no longer serves me.
……Poniworld is my natural state. This is authentic me. I’m really messy. I swear a lot. I consistently see-saw between looking hot and looking like shit. I don’t really care if I don’t get time to brush my hair in the morning and I most certainly don’t hesitate to give anyone my opinion…I mean, I naturally assume that people want to be well physically and emotionally. That I’ve destroyed their comfortable world in a few words pointing out a few home truths does not compute with me…until its too late…
Ohhhh did I mention that I’m going through my angry grieving stage. This in the past has presented as Tourettes-like symptoms when I’m frustrated and mad. I would also stamp my feet, throw tantrums and generally behave very badly when I didn’t get my own way.
Those of you that know me…I mean really know me….know that I only have good intentions. That I’m kind, generous, compassionate and live to serve. I’m loyal and I’d drop everything to help if only you’d ask. You love me unconditionally for those attributes and forgive me my faults, just as I would do the same for you.
Timing is everything. Some relationships, whatever they’re labelled as, are meant to be, but maybe they’re not meant to be right now. Surrendering to that can be difficult, but ultimately empowering. Walking away will feel wrong, but will ultimately be for the highest good.
Those of you that don’t know, or accept me, you’ll naturally just leave my life. It’s kind of sad, but its for the best.
The Why. Explaining the concept of The Compelling reason
If you’ve ever been sick, if you’ve ever experienced grief or trauma, you’ll understand what I’m talking about. Change comes about because theres a big enough reason for it to become a priority in life. Small details fade into insignificance. All of a sudden, after I lost Scotty, I found crowds suffocating. I needed more alone time. I needed to check in with myself. I couldn’t abide small talk and being around low energy people. Whereas before, I’d steer away from conflict situations, now I launch myself AT them, both feet first….war paint on, ready to go into battle. Ready to defend myself and the people that I love the most.
But this isn’t craziness. This is me. The real me. And the readers out there that have been with me from the start, they might recognise this as my journey to self, the journey towards the BVOM (Best Version of Me). It’s a concept that I introduced last year – which seems like forever ago. And its kind of my trademark. You see, I can apologise forever and a day for pissing people off….and I should if its broken any of the tenets that I’ve set for myself. However….I should never have to apologise for being myself! And if you do have someone in your life that makes you feel like that, I fully recommend that you quietly, respectfully and lovingly exit stage door left. Its not worth your sanity.
Integrating myself (ego) with myself (soul)
I thought they were separate, but they’re not.
I’ve spent the last 15 months discovering. And now I’ve moved into a phase where I’m very sure of myself. I’m very sure of what I want and what I don’t want. I know where I want to go and what I want to achieve. I know the kind of people that I want around me and I know the people that I don’t.
I think that we all like to have a method to our madness. For me, in my past life, my method was to be systemised. I lived by my to do list. (Not that I ever completed my to do list, I just liked to carry it around for comfort).
Yes, I still like my digital gadgets and my lists, but I don’t live by them anymore. I want FREEDOM. I manifest what I want by focussing on what I want. I choose to surround myself with the energy that I want in the place that I want. At the moment, that place is Bali.
I want to live by the 4 tenets that Michael introduced to me for the first time last year. My gorgeous friend, the tempestuous fire dragon MysticSista, Marian, bought them to my attention again recently.
The Four Agreements to Heaven
Be Impeccable with your word
Don’t take anything personally
Don’t make assumptions
Always do your Best
If you’d like to join me on the path of authenticity, but you don’t know how, here’s a little inspiration. It’s 7 minutes of YOU time. Close your eyes and listen to the words of Don Miguel and find your way towards a little Heaven on earth.