Existentialism, looping, being in flow


I wrote this blog on the way to the airport to leave Bali.  And rediscovered it now, as I lay on the biggest stump in the afternoon sun in Victoria park Foxton, my hometown, while I muse on the subject of:
How f#cken Ponicorns make money…so they don’t spend their days lazing around like a loser.

I’m dedicating this blog to Robbie because I can.  And because hes cool.

In the shuttle on the way to the airport to leave Bali, a song came on the radio by John Mayer.  All of me.  It made me sad because I instantly imagined Scott saying those lyrics to me.  It made me sad to recall another goodbye, this farewell to Bali.  I felt the familiar pang of a void opening up, separation as I transition from here to….somewhere. 

I’m not so good at goodbyes anymore.  I pretend they’re not really happening.  Its see you later.  Because the thought of not being able to put all my favourite places and people in one place for me to enjoy like a buffet – the separation, the absence combined with a foray into the unknown, would be unbearable.

But its time to move on…its overtime.  But I got stuck in a loop…and of course, life is not wrong…it happened that way for a reason.

My gorgeous friend, Monique is talented.  Not only does she ensure I look good in all facebook pictures, but shes way tuned in. While staying at a fab villa on the East coast, we took a walk along the beach.  We found ourselves deep in discussion on the front lawn of a randomly awesome resort on the concept of looping. 

Looping is the act of repeatedly playing the same program.  In an existential sense, we are trapped in thought processes which effectively traps us into words which traps us into actions which traps us into a life.  This could be a perfectly acceptable life in which case, happy days.  However it might not be.  The tricky part is that the ‘victim’ doesn’t have the awareness to observe this state. 

Here are 4 common states that I’ve observed in myself and others:

1.  Is unhappy but doesn’t regard the unfulfilment to be great enough to change or is unaware that a change is even an option.
2.  Is unhappy but imprisoned by the program running in the mind.  Is defeated.
3.  Hits crisis.  Change is inevitable to survive.
4.  Accepts that a change must be made.  Doesn’t know how to do this.  Does nothing.

Being in the flow
I’ve been stuck in a loop.  Not an altogether terrible situation from the outside.  Stuck in Bali due to an Act of God?..which is hilarious in itself… but seriously..for 10 days?!  My Bali family were questioning the lunacy of this setback..the inherant ‘signs’ and the leadup to this quarantine.  It was a merry little trail of breadcrumbs to ‘stay the fk in Bali’.   This became very apparant to me as I checked in.  My layover is the LONGEST check in girl had heard of to date.  The 2 other Kiwis I’d been stranded with both left days earlier, as did the  other 700 Aussies…

Now at first I welcomed a 10 day all expenses paid 4 star vacay…but…I got bored…and then food addictions started to kick in..and the buffet appeared like clockwork 3 times daily.  I crazily manifested this luxury, but I also manifested my worst temptation.  This might seem trivial, but putting sugar and bread in front of a chronically deprived, candida infested maniac with roller coaster blood sugar, the metabolism of a slug and anxiety driven cravings is really not cool.

Despite the buffet…I was still skirting around the edge of being ‘in the flow’.  This concept is one you’ve probably experienced.  When everything is fab – you find the last carpark, win $20 at the lottery and get an unexpected payrise, all in the same day.  A little bit of magic happens – you’re in the flow!

Well, buffet boredom was a terrible test for me, which I failed miserably.  BUT I did break the loop – and was rewarded with a series of rewards…My last night of buffet was amazing healthy, vege balinese style buffet for the local Galungan celebration (not crappy half assed western style), then I got to keep my room till I left that night, then I got my flights changed to direct flights instead of multiple stopovers.  Everything happened without having to request it.

Being in the flow is the path of least resistance and maximum magic! Ponicornism

Existentialism – the meaning of life
I’ve been pondering what Bali has taught me.  There is some anxiety associated with transitioning back into the matrix.  There is some anxiety associated with integrating 2 worlds.  Theres anxiety on integrating BSD (Before Scott Died) and ASD (After Scott Died) into a LWS (Life Without Scott). 

I am at my happiest when I can write about Existentialism – the meaning of life.  There are 4 Ayurvedic tenets for building a strong foundation for fulfilment. 

1. Enjoyment  – having fun
2. Prosperity – supporting yourself
3. Career – supporting the statement ‘I am’
4.  Liberation – Existentialism

Ubud has liberated my mind.  A 3rd world country has retrained me. 

Its taught me to be aware.
Its taught me to observe.
Its taught me to slow down.
Its taught me that life is now.
Its taught me that ME comes first.
Its reminded me to run towards fear.

In short…Its taught me the meaning of life – extentialism.  How many ways can I express that my only purpose is to look inward and find that sanctity of inner realisation and peace.  Because that is my job…just like its everyones job to do the same for themselves.  I contribute by being in strength and in my power.

The tricky part
Is putting all this theory into practice.  I haven’t figured out how to do that yet. 
Because successful integration means taking action.  Opportunities fly past my fingertips as whispers of dreams..tantalising me into fantastical lands where I build kingdoms and waltz about madly tending to frenetic production of….widgets…
Then theres the bank with a half offer of something, somewhere, maybe, that represents the villain in the fairytale, the evil conglomerate in the dark forest in the shadowlands…

Where do flow and common sense merge?

Where will the next breath take me?  Will it be in flow?  Or will I loop?

Lying on this big ole stump nothing even seems to matter…purpose, success, failure…everything feels so insignificant.  Its only when I’m surrounded by people am I reminded that we’re all in a race to have stuff and be stuff and do stuff. 

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you