Finding clarity

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that leading, teaching and mentoring is what I’d be doing or that energy would be my main tool.  In fact, I started on this path 2 years ago in Bali, and then I just stopped.  Everything got hard, I was confused over what I was doing, and it was easier to fall back into my old habits.  I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information I was getting and I didn’t know how to process it.  No clarity – plenty of connection – but completely ungrounded.  I was reminded of this by a wee conversation I had last night.  Life has become so busy and we’re constantly bombarded by information.  How do we sort the chaff from the wheat?

In the past there was a lot of fear attached to following my intuition.  Where did that fear come from?  A fear of seeing and being seen.  Of being on a stage and being critiqued by the masses.  A fear of success because of what I’d have to do to get there.  A fear of the unknown, of uncertainty and definitely of being labelled a quack-freak by some uneducated and inexperienced skeptics.

But I’m fast running out of excuses and fears.  This little chapter of my life has certainly reaffirmed that much.  Things become clear real quick when you’re watching someone you love dying in front of you.

The best advice I could give for identifying the next step to take, is to take time everyday to sit in stillness.   Ask a question, and wait for the answer.  Here are my top 3 tips for finding clarity:

  1. Be still – meditate
  2. Listen
  3. Practice self care – whatever that means for you


Reiki and me

Just for today,

Do not anger,

Do not worry, and

Be filled with gratitude,

Devote yourself to your work, and

Be kind to people.

There are always crucial points in any journey – transformational junctures, game changing situations and ‘aha’ moments.  Its only when we sit in stillness that we can distinguish the learning from those moments.

This last weekend was one of those – or should I say another one of those.  Because the last 4 weeks has been a cacophony of them – so much so that I’m starting to question who I am….or to be more precise – who I was.

Scott’s Mum has been diagnosed with terminal, inoperable, small cell carcinoma of the lung.  As with all small cell cancer of the lung, its aggressive.  

Because I’m intent on helping her as best I can, I asked for guidance on the tools I’d need to help me do that.  And Wallah! Up popped the Reiki 2 practitioner training.  

Its important for me to be very open and ask for what I need.  I’ve experienced the power of focussed attention and its wildly exciting.  If I’m in flow the abundance is non stop.  But there is a lot of refinement that can only be learned through experience and practice when it comes to receiving.  Clarity only comes with grounded relaxed energy.  Reiki gives me the tools to do that.

….so here I am back on the grief bandwagon..

My realisation of the next stage of grief I must experience is profound and wistfully beautiful.  I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to my man.  I didn’t get the chance to hold him, support him and tell him I love him as he took his last breath.  I didn’t get the chance and sometimes I have a deep resentment for being robbed of that opportunity.   So now I get the chance, through his mother, to do that.  And so much more.  Its a true gift of humility to hold space for anyone.  But to do that for someone I love as I celebrate their life..and as their physical body leaves this realm…words can’t describe how important this is to me.

So I’m packing up my Reiki hands and winging to Hervey Bay on Friday.  

I’m asking for universal support and guidance to be wrapped around me in a big insulating bubble to take with me.  I’m assured that this community will in turn be holding space for me over the next week.  Thats the cool thing about Reiki – I give AND I receive.


SIBO & the magic of oregano oil

Its 9 minutes past midnight.  I can’t think of anything better to do when I can’t sleep, than write a blog.

I have a recurring food addiction with wheat. I know my body.  It does not like wheat.  It does not function on wheat.  Yet my brain tells me I love the texture and bite and gut filling satisfaction of wheat.  My brain is clearly very wrong in this equation.

Last week in a display of dumbness, I ordered fish and salad at the pub.  Of course it was battered fish with yummy fries.  Did I eat it?  Yes.  Because I’m a piglet and very stupid and I want to eat bread.  Its now 6 days later and I’m finally getting the last of that bad decision out of my system.  

I woke up this morning with 2 things on my mind – SIBO and Oil of oregano.

SIBO is Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth. While I’ve been focusing on my large intestine, I’ve neglected to treat my VERY important small  intestine.  You can read a little about SIBO by clicking here.  No idea if SIBO is something I dreamed up, but I’ve skim read enough articles to know it fits my profile and I’m fairly certain my intuition is pointing me in the right direction on this occasion.  

Enter antibiotic/antibacterial extraordinaire – Oil of oregano.

Oil of oregano is one of my staple first aid kit medicines along with a packet of vegan capsules to take it with.  While I was in Bali it was a godsend with all the fungus, virus and bacteria present everywhere.  Dependant on the condition, usually 4 drops 2-3 times a day would fix most problems.  The only drawback is it destroys good gut bacteria so a round of probiotics is a good idea after using.  Or go hard on the fermented drinks, kefir, komboucha, rejuvelac, sauerkraut juice – whatever you prefer.  Go low sugar preferably.

So today I’ve had 2 doses of OOO and man do I feel like a million dollars compared to this time last week.  

I’ve peed out copious anounts of retained water and at 00:34 I’m getting up for the 3rd time in 50 mins to pee again.  Magic.

Seriously, why do I do this to myself??

No more wheat!!!

Project for next available free time – make life changing bread.  This is is a yummy wheat free, full of nuts and seeds loaf that tastes great toasted with avo and a marmite-like healthy organic yeast spread (sans the additional sugar).  For the recipe, click here.

I will double this recipe so it makes a fuller square sized piece of bread rather than a small rectangle.  This is very similar to the loaf that Hapi in Napier makes which retails for $26.  This recipe is much cheaper and you can use more seeds and less nuts for a better value loaf.

Happy wheatfree living everyone 💜

Very interesting blog article

How the red moon woman rolls

Exit stage left boys – this one’s for the women out there – especially the ones who are hormonally challenged.

Hormones are pretty hard to understand. Even if I’m trying hard to listen to my bodies signals, the messages are often cryptic and confusing when it comes to chick health.

Enter lunar wisdom.  I’ve been following and taking note of moon cycles for a couple of years now….Because my banker brain needed to be convinced that there was some substance to this hoodoo voodoo.  Well all I needed to do was accept what I already knew.  If the moon can move oceans – how can it not affect everything else on earth, including my own body?  For years we have sowed and harvested by the moon cycle.  Lunar power has been accepted for centuries.   Any farmer worth his salt knows sowing seeds on the full moon ensures a bountiful harvest.

After deliberating over tides and almanacs, and as I pondered the mysteries of the feminine, I thought I’d pull up the history from my handy app P tracker and take note of what moon I’ve been cycling on. 

Overall when I’m cycling regularly my period arrives on average 3 days before the full moon.  You’ll read below why this is seen to be unusual:

 I’ve literally copied and pasted the bulk of this blog as it resonated so strongly with me.  For this I need to cite Zagra Haji of yogagoddess.  The reference to the full article is noted below.  

There are two traditional patterns women’s cycles can follow – the Red Moon cycle or the White moon cycle.

You won’t find a lot of literature about women who cycle with the Red Moon. My guess is that’s because of what menstruating with the full moon represented in the past. According to Miranda Gray, this cycle was linked to the archetype of the seductress, the enchantress and the woman who knew how to wield healing power and magic. This was the kind of woman whose sexuality was applied to something ‘other than’ the formation of the next generation. She was considered by our patriarchal ancestors to be the ‘evil woman.’

In truth, the Red Moon cycle belonged to the medicine women, to the midwives, the magic-makers and the wisdom keepers of the community.  These women were not focusing their feminine energies to give birth to children. Rather their energy was used to empower other women and their communities. The first time I read Miranda’s book Red Moon this idea really resonated with me.  I saw myself as the healer-woman. The woman who dives deep into her depths to develop her self-awareness and then turns her energy out to help the world.  I remembered my Great-Grandmother who was a medicine woman and a midwife. And I had a profound aha-moment. That’s why all my Dad’s brothers and sisters called me dadi-ma growing up! They saw me as their grandmother in more ways than they realized. Now I see too, because the Red Moon cycle is also known as the ‘Wise woman’s cycle.’ When a woman ovulates with the full moon her body is following the White Moon cycle. Her body acts as a perfect mirror for the fertility of the earth since the earth herself is most fertile under the light of the full moon. We know this because of bio-dynamic farming practices, which show us that when seeds are planted by the full moon, harvests are most abundant. The White Moon cycle represents the fertile power of women and was considered the cycle of the ‘good mother.’ These women were the ones who were celebrated in patriarchal times under the full moon fires with ceremony and fertility rites.

For me it’s very important to emphasize, whether you tend to menstruate with the full moon or new moon, that both cycles are expressions of the feminine energies and neither is more powerful or more “right” than the other. Instead, they each have their unique role to play in your life as a woman. If your body follows the White Moon cycle you might ask yourself – Are you desiring children? Do you spend a lot of time ‘mothering?’  If you said yes, that’s lovely. Your body is in harmonious balance with the natural fertility of the earth.

If you’re experiencing the opposite cycle where you ovulate at the dark moon and menstruate at the full moon I wonder – Do you desire self- exploration and self-expression? Has your role of mothering children completed? Or is it a role you’re postponing for the future or not planning on at all?

Miranda Gray says, “A woman with the White Moon cycle, bleeding with the dark (new) Moon, becomes linked to the deepest levels of her awareness, reminding her that there exists more than just the world she sees, because she is the carrier of the seed of life. A woman with a Red Moon cycle, bleeding with the full moon, brings the energies and mysteries of her inner darkness out into the world around her as a gift and an offering of the depths of her learning.” Just beautiful isn’t it?

I’d also love you to know that our cycle has a tendency to change along with our life circumstances, emotions, ambitions and goals. I imagine that when I get married and start to plan for a family, my cycle will shift orientation to reflect the change of focus in my life. I don’t believe I’ll need to ‘do’ anything differently to make it happen.

What about you? Do you follow the Red Moon or the White Moon cycle? 

Reference 1

The road less travelled

There are times over the last 3 years when I’ve neglected to admit that my inner turmoil was as a result of my grief process.  It would be true to say that grief was not the reason for it, but it most certainly was the catalyst.  Grief shone a light on all those areas of me and my life that I did not like.  Without mercy, it kept taking me through repeat iterations of the same story until I had the capacity to really listen…..Actually capacity is not even an accurate description.  It was the desperation to change feelings of discomfort, sadness, frustration that motivated me to continue seeking.  Most of the time I didn’t know what I was seeking…mainly I just felt lost with a distinct lack of control over….everything.

I’m an Aries so I don’t tend to spend much time on stuff.  Its challenging to kept myself interested in a project for any length of time. So over the past 3 years I’ve fleetingly engaged in tasks pursuing wellbeing and happiness,  then disengaged, then reengaged half heartedly..then… promptly forgotten everything and returned to my usual state of being.  Such was my rollercoaster.

This weekend I’m on a cycling adventure with 20 yogi’s along the Clutha river.  

And this morning I’m sitting in a massage chair in a fabulous little townhouse in the little south island town of Lawrence.   And  suddenly between massage settings, a thought hit my grey matter.  

I feel at peace.  And I feel satisfied.  And I’m feeling the love.  And I’ve been feeling at peace and in love space 24/7 for a whole month.

Its taken me 3 years and 5 months to get to this place – a process which I thought I’d have aced in 2 years max (said the competitive Aries in me).  

But you can’t rush the process of grief.  It unravels as required.  There’s no doubt that I’ve exacerbated the pain by refusing to learn a few key lessons sooner.  But as any ‘conscious’ person would understand the concept of – this is as it is and was always meant to be.   

On my 12 minute Main St tour of Lawrence I popped into the info centre and picked up a book called The road less travelled.  For $1 it seemed like a good deal.  The tagline: ‘A new psychology of love, traditional values and spiritual growth’.

Well it turns out it was the 2nd in the series so I downloaded the first onto my kindle (with free Lawrence WIFI – yes all 470 residents plus everyone who passes through gets free WIFI – score! & what a fab idea😊).

Of course the wisdom that Scott Peck has to tell me through this book is just what I needed to hear right now and certainly inspired this blog.

The first paragraph:

LIFE IS DIFFICULT. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths.  1 It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one.

Thank you Scott for writing such an easy to read, down to earth and frank guide to the psyche of the human mind.  Because that definition really resonates with me and I can’t think of a more perfect place to receive this wisdom than amongst a group of yogis and cyclists embracing the beauty of nature, life and people.

Because now I get it.  Instead of being in the washing machine, I’ve transitioned.  I’ve taking the guidance and actioned it.  And now I’m no longer suffering separation of Mind, body, Soul. They’re in complete alignment.  

I was on the road less travelled.  I still am.  And I’m all the better for it.

Star gifts:

It was once said:

God stood before his twelve children and into each of them planted the seed of human life. One by one each child stepped forward to receive his appointed gift:


AriesTo you Aries I give the seed first that you might have the honor of planting it. That for every seed you plant one million more will multiply in your hand. You will not have time to see the seed grow, for everything you plant creates more that must be planted. You will be the first to penetrate the soil of people’s minds with My Idea. But it is not your job to nourish the Idea, nor to question it. Your life is action, and the only action I ascribe to you is to begin making men aware of My Creation. For your good work I give you the virtue of Self-Esteem.

To view your star gift, click here.

Grain brain – linking the brain & gut

The book with this title is worth a read – it hypothesises around the connection between wheat and a myriad of health conditions.  Recommend.

Gluten free has become a ‘thing’ of immense proportions in the food industry, generating millions of dollars in revenue as people seek the right health food.  There are celiacs yes, and there’s everyone else who some cynics guffaw at – those ‘gluten sensitive’ souls who they postulate might be imagining the symptoms they’re suffering from just because they’ve heard that carbs are fattening – well carbs are fattening! – they’re a diabetics worst nightmare.  Diabetes is a lifestyle disease. Lifestyle disease = you should be changing your daily habits….anyways….I diverge….

Its true that grains have changed.  Rise up the GMO grain.  Rise up mass industrialisation.  Rise up all the extras chemicals, additives, preservatives, colours and ‘stuff you can’t pronounce’ in your food.  All so it arrives at your supermarket looking the same that it did 2 weeks ago.  It could be any one of these things that have changed the face of grain.

One can only get a true sense of how it affects your own delicate inner terrain.  After 2 weeks of eating like a rabbit on bowels of leafy greens and glasses of wheatgrass, my system was well and truly purged of wheat.  The human body is amazing like that – within 3 days, the flora has begun to change for the better.

When I arrived back into the country to hot cross bun territory – I couldn’t resist and downed a couple of packets.  Well I’ve never felt so crappy.  In the past I had dialled wheat (and most starches), dairy and sugar out of my lifestyle, but –  I do have a real weakness for crispy, fluffy, spicy buns (not fruit peel!!!) slathered in loads of salted NZ butter.  Alas, my internal flora rebelled and I swelled up like a melon.

When I visited my new favourite psychic, Deirdre Cotton, the first telling off from her was ‘I feel bloated and pregnant (ie she was feeling what I was feeling).  You need to stop eating wheat.  You used to be so good at this (skipping wheat, dairy, sugar), but recently, no…just STOP IT!!!!

So I did.  And I’m retaining less water and I feel less bloated.

Funnily my aunty has late onset celiacs, so I wonder… ???

So its time now for me to not only cut out all of my wheat and starch but also to cut out ALL of the food that I’ve been indulging in that I have cravings for.  To be fair the KFC ended when a colleagues daughter started work at the drive thru and I felt like a fraudster getting my fast food hit …I mean…hormone pumped, enzyme-less, putrid flesh with nil nutrition!! – but it tastes soooo good 😦

and guess what …there’s wheat in that shitty bird…

If you take a watch of the link below, you’ll understand that food really is medicine and I’m not lying to you.  Neuro-degenerative diseases of the brain like depression, anxiety, autism, dementia, Parkinsons, alzheimers, bi-polar and schizophrenia are results of poor gut flora.

Case in point – I reappear from my 3 weeks of relaxation and eating grass and its like I picked up my mojo and bought it back in my suitcase.  My brain is no longer fuzzy.  My outlook can’t stop being positive.  I’m all smiley.  I’m up at 4am and getting 6 hours of sleep and feeling full of energy and vitality.  I’m doing a 30 day hot yoga challenge, netball and bootcamp once a week and started cycling.  I’m growing, sprouting and operating at 200% better efficiency.  I’m literally feeling the LOVE.  Like I LOVE everything …. and THAT my friends is a couple of kgs of dancing, freakin’ happy good gut biota.




If you want to educate yourself a little more from a scientific perspective, click on this link.

Transforming cellular Memory in 30 days

When I was on my Bali sojourn I joined a retreat in TCM with Don Hansen.  As the name suggests, it was transformative.  It was a game changer.  And it added to my understanding of me and the human psyche.  

Fast forward 18 months and those same concepts are being reinforced.  The basic premise of TCM is that every emotion, trauma and psychological imbalance is stored within the  cells of the human body.  This causes not only emotional imbalance (unhappiness) but also physical imbalance ie a move away from homeostasis – that place where your body can heal itself.

 I’m Day 7 of a 30 day hot yoga challenge and I’m starting to feel changes in my body already.  They are physical, sure.  My skin is dry.  I’m getting cramp in my feet.  My digestion has changed (positively).  My hormones are balancing out (for the better).  My muscles are flexible and strong.  My complexion is clear.  I’m feeling a little exhausted too.  But I’m loving my new home and community at The Dharma Room.  

The biggest transformation has been unravelling stuck trauma.  Anyone who really knows yoga, knows its not about exercise.  Its about the connection – mind, body, Soul.  Preferably the mind steps aside to allow us to work deep into the cells.

It happened on day 5.  Which happened to be 10 days back into work after a very relaxing 3 week break of relaxation and detox.  I was halfway through a vinyasa flow class and struggling with an asana that required a right hip opener.  I felt so much anger.  I was angry at the teacher for holding it so long.  I was angry that we were only halfway through the class.  I was angry with work (despite loving work since back from break).  It was intense.  And it was provoking.  2 years ago on my first 10 day juice fast, one of my now close friends who practises reiki told me I was storing a lot of anger.  I personally didn’t feel it.  I guess it was buried deep. 

Most of my emotions ARE buried.  Mainly under layers of stress, guilt and anxiety.  But in hindsight, and when I read back on my blogs, anger has always been my go to emotion.  It feels far less vulnerable to be angry than sad or scared or overwhelmed.  

My little Puerto Rico experience really helped me to find my mojo again.  The drive, the passion, the excitement, the clarity and the control have all flooded back into me in a renewed feeling of vigor.  ‘I’m back!’ my cells are screaming.  I’m back – get out of my fkn way – or I will mow you down.  No its not the most zen states of mind but I tell you what….It feels good to unwrap another layer.  My poor little inner child – my blue eyed, blonde ringlet haired cherub ray of light has been crushed and dumped in a dark dirty closet and left to rot.  She forgot how to have fun and its been too long.  She had given up all hope and she is  sad…so sad that she wanted to disappear because there was no hope.  Its going to take some time to restore her faith in humanity…in me…in she can feel safe again.  

In the meantime that anger is protecting me and that child.  But eventually its use will come to an end.  Like a thick layer of  calcium covering my heart, it will crack.  It will dissolve.  And perhaps in many years of yoga…it might even disappear.  

And its back to the mat for me at 9.30am this morning, a bit teary eyed – ready to work a few more demons out…and let a bit more light in.

Buhir mukh munus

– sanskrit for ‘let the mind out of the heart’


I’m only human after all

Its been awhile since I wrote for the ponicorn blog, but while I had all the time in the world in Bali, I don’t have it in the matrixsphere where work and domestic duties seem to leave little time for pondering the mysteries of the world.

But I’ve cast aside daily life for an escape to Puerto Rico to a little retreat by the sea.  I wanted 3 things from my break away to celebrate a year of matrixing:

1.  To visit a tropical country I’d not visited

2.  To be by the ocean

3.  To learn something in the alternative health & wellness or sustainability area

I was considering ‘the farm’ in the Phillipines – their raw food restaurant and tantalising combination of courses and high end accommodation piqued my interest – but it was waay too expensive.

Then a dear friend – a fellow raw chef – suggested the Ann Wigmore Institute in Aguada, Puerto Rico.  Though its a 25-35 hour travel time, the price was better.

Yes the buildings are old, no its not flash, however the content is top class and my balcony is 30m from a beautiful clean beach through swaying palm trees.  That’s enough.

My 2 week course in the living foods lifestyle pioneered by the late Ann Wigmore involves eating A LOT of greenery.  Far more sprouts, wheatgrass and microgreens than I’ve ever consumed EVER.  (Which is saying a lot given the courses and places I’ve done to date!).  

Energy soup is NOT my favourite thing.  For 8 cups of this stuff, 20 cups of sunflower and buckwheat greens alone are used.  And that doesn’t include all the mountains of sprouts!  But this stuff is a whole meal in itself.  And I’m strangely satiated by this monstrous bowl of green (disguised with piles of fresh herbs, ginger, dulse and lime juice).

Then there’s the wheatgrass..I think I dislike it more than the energy soup.  Here at Ann Wigmore, its prized for all of its nutritional qualities as the King of grasses with an  abundance of vitamins, minerals, chlorophyll and blood & immune system strengthening qualities.

Why would any sane person take themselves on this tortureous culinary adventure?

Quite simply, the Ann Wigmore Institute cures people.  Naturally.  With food.

She cured herself of colon cancer.  She has cured many people of cancer and many chronic diseases.  She was an avid researcher, spending her time searching for the foods that are nutrient dense to nourish the body in such a way that the body could uptake those nutrients.  The basic philosophy of the programme is around organic living foods.  

I am a living foods supporter 100% having experienced the benefits of eating enzyme rich food before.  However I seem to have slipped off the bandwagon…

Heres what I’m eating here:

Rejuvelac is an enzyme rich drink fermented from either sprouted quinoa or cabbage.  This easy to make (good value) supplement is akin to a probiotic, providing good bacteria to assist digestion.  This is both raw and living.  1 cup twice daily.

Wheatgrass is taken twice a day – up to 5oz at a time plus just quietly in a variety of other orifices…😐

Blended Energy soup 3 times.  We had 3 continuous days of it as part of the cleanse.  When we were allowed salad for lunch it was like an insane treat!

So what happens after 6 days of cleansing on living foods?  Food starts to taste amazing.  The most subtle changes can be detected.  An apple seems like a guilty treat.  And a tiny treat of blended/dehydrated banana and sunflower seeds blows my mind😂

On the 2nd day I jumped on the scales out of curiosity.  I’d dropped half a kg in 24 hours…..And I’ve continued to drop half a kg every day except today.  Today it was only 300gm….hehe…  All the water being retained in my tissues from all that matrix food I’ve been eating is being expended in a really short period of time.  

All that dairy, starch and sweet and fatty AND processed food which I know does nothing for me has found a hold in my diet.  OMG!😮….  Which makes me really ashamed to admit that in matrixland I haven’t been disciplined enough to stick to my guns when it comes to food.  How ironic can it be for someone telling others to eat well and not doing it herself. Oops.

“porque soy solo humana”    (because I’m only human)

Much love,

From the Ponicorn in Puerto Rico

The black dog

I stopped dreaming.  I don’t know when.  I only realise this because last night I DID dream and it was vivid and shocking.  I had a dream that someone close to me committed suicide.  I felt the emptiness of that.  I felt the emptiness of the world.  And it also took me back to that space of isolation, despair that I’ve occupied so many times before.  I’ve literally sat in a beanbag with a blade in my hand running it along my skin wondering what it would feel like to have my blood squirting out of my veins, but knowing I would never do it because from all accounts its a very painful process.   I use this method often when I’m working through something.  I take my body through the motions of what it would feel like to engage in a process.  It takes the emotional charge out of it.

Those who have experienced the black dog will commiserate with a feeling of apathy for the future, a tiredness and malaise that can’t be shaken off.  That feeling of everything being a little pointless.  Of being hopeless and of no unherant value to the world.  And a very strong reluctance to get out of bed and face the world- to interact – to experience joy.  

Depression and anxiety feel to me to be very strongly linked.  And how both of them are acted out in life are what interests me.  Depression is a result of brain chemistry.  Its very often linked to the food we eat.  But there is no doubt that some people have a stronger disposition towards depression than others ie the brain falls back to this as a natural state of being.  

I’ve always managed depression like an addiction.  I keep getting a picture of a rat in a cage hitting the lever to get a hit of glucose.  I’m constantly looking for a hit of the good stuff in life to keep me ‘up’.  This is an effective management tool. Anything that creates seratonin, endorphins, dopamine and oxytocin is superb.  Usually movement/exercise gives me a good hit – massage is another.  Any activity that gets my metabolism and circulation going, like yoga is fabulous.  

Libby Weaver reiterated a few things to me.  The symptom of not being able to get breath past chest level is one of anxiety and high cortisol levels.  One thing that has really worked for me is being in nature.  Leaning against a tree and just breathing, I can move that block.  Lying on the ground, feeling only the sensations of air, sun, grass, earth seems to disengage the sympathetic nervous system.  And disengages the monotony of my whirring mind.

The most harmful display of my depression has been the connection to emotional eating patterns.  Orthrexia is defined as an over addiction to ‘healthy’ eating.  Actually I use it as a compensatory method to stop binge eating in its tracks.  

My funny little brain has somehow convinced my body that feeding myself is a reward.  So just like the rat, I keep hitting the lever, much like a heroin addict, to temporarily make myself feel better.  It works – for about an hour – until I feel the effects of over eating, or unhealthy eating.  And then I start to mentally abuse myself for being so weak.

We all have methods for getting through tough shit  – to survive.  But in Dr Libby’s words – if we want to thrive – harmful addictions, self deprecation and violent mind talk must stop.  Just stop it.

It would be fair to say that losing someone who is an integral part of your life creates a lot of pain, depression and anxiety.  The gap that is created is not just loss from missing someone.  Its filling all the gaps that that person filled before.  What did that person provide? Love, affection, financial stability, emotional support, fun.

 A choice must be made.

We must either keep that wound or find beautiful ways to fill it up. 

Reinvigorating the feeling of gratitude for the small pieces that make up your life today is paramount to wellness.  Embracing simple delights right now is the only way to love life right now.  Giving oneself a pat on the back is absolutely required.  I have a 100% success rate of surviving the rollercoaster to date.  Its pretty hard to get 100% in this world sometimes – so I’ll claim that.  

And I’m going to love my black dog by taking it for a walk to the river.  Cause no dog can stay in the black down there.