When I was on my Bali sojourn I joined a retreat in TCM with Don Hansen. As the name suggests, it was transformative. It was a game changer. And it added to my understanding of me and the human psyche.
Fast forward 18 months and those same concepts are being reinforced. The basic premise of TCM is that every emotion, trauma and psychological imbalance is stored within the cells of the human body. This causes not only emotional imbalance (unhappiness) but also physical imbalance ie a move away from homeostasis – that place where your body can heal itself.
I’m Day 7 of a 30 day hot yoga challenge and I’m starting to feel changes in my body already. They are physical, sure. My skin is dry. I’m getting cramp in my feet. My digestion has changed (positively). My hormones are balancing out (for the better). My muscles are flexible and strong. My complexion is clear. I’m feeling a little exhausted too. But I’m loving my new home and community at The Dharma Room.
The biggest transformation has been unravelling stuck trauma. Anyone who really knows yoga, knows its not about exercise. Its about the connection – mind, body, Soul. Preferably the mind steps aside to allow us to work deep into the cells.
It happened on day 5. Which happened to be 10 days back into work after a very relaxing 3 week break of relaxation and detox. I was halfway through a vinyasa flow class and struggling with an asana that required a right hip opener. I felt so much anger. I was angry at the teacher for holding it so long. I was angry that we were only halfway through the class. I was angry with work (despite loving work since back from break). It was intense. And it was provoking. 2 years ago on my first 10 day juice fast, one of my now close friends who practises reiki told me I was storing a lot of anger. I personally didn’t feel it. I guess it was buried deep.
Most of my emotions ARE buried. Mainly under layers of stress, guilt and anxiety. But in hindsight, and when I read back on my blogs, anger has always been my go to emotion. It feels far less vulnerable to be angry than sad or scared or overwhelmed.
My little Puerto Rico experience really helped me to find my mojo again. The drive, the passion, the excitement, the clarity and the control have all flooded back into me in a renewed feeling of vigor. ‘I’m back!’ my cells are screaming. I’m back – get out of my fkn way – or I will mow you down. No its not the most zen states of mind but I tell you what….It feels good to unwrap another layer. My poor little inner child – my blue eyed, blonde ringlet haired cherub ray of light has been crushed and dumped in a dark dirty closet and left to rot. She forgot how to have fun and its been too long. She had given up all hope and she is sad…so sad that she wanted to disappear because there was no hope. Its going to take some time to restore her faith in humanity…in me…in anything..so she can feel safe again.
In the meantime that anger is protecting me and that child. But eventually its use will come to an end. Like a thick layer of calcium covering my heart, it will crack. It will dissolve. And perhaps in many years of yoga…it might even disappear.
And its back to the mat for me at 9.30am this morning, a bit teary eyed – ready to work a few more demons out…and let a bit more light in.
Buhir mukh munus
– sanskrit for ‘let the mind out of the heart’