What step am I up to? Am I done yet?

The Matrix is a funny place.

I defined the Matrix really as everything outside of Ubud, Bali.  Because Ubud seemed to me at the time to be sooo far away from reality…so far away from the space I grew up in.  And the rules were different.  Well, strictly speaking there weren’t any rules except for headspinning lines like ‘everything is an illusion’….woah…so far out man (said in a 1970’s hippie intonation)

And I say funny place in a somewhat bemused sense.  But actually its been more like bewildered.

4.5 months ago I put down roots in suburbia.  I set up accounts for utilities.  I started a new job.  My life suddenly became adultier.  I had commitments.  After 2.5 years of not adulting, this was a perplexing, overwhelming and a too fast transition back into ….?  Reality?  I think this is what most would call reality.  But, I call it the Matrix.  To me, Ubud with all of its eccentricities felt more REAL.  More Authentic.  And perhaps more me.

I turned around from a work task last week to find in front of me, an old friend of Scott’s.  I had one of those moments where I felt like I was seeing a ghost.  I was.  A ghost from the past.  I literally just stared and tried to place this person who had appeared in my reality.  We caught up for lunch and the conversation turned into a philosophical discussion about being conscious and the challenges of operating in the matrix.  At the end, I walked away feeling frustrated.

I walked away feeling frustrated because the upshot of the discussion is that I’m still seeking.  And I thought I was all down with being in the present moment and all that.  I thought I was done with seeking for at least another 6 months.  So I felt frustrated. In fact, frustration seems to be a common theme for me.  When I dig down deep into that feeling, all I can find is a general frustration..with the Matrix….for my inability to make it work.  I can do it yes.  But does it fit like a glove? – no.  I long for an existance that I have not yet created.  And I am too scared to create it.  Because I have given myself excuses not to create it.  I have given myself excuses to dumb myself down and survive in the Matrix.  And that’s what my frustration is.  Because after all that I’ve learned…still here I am – a worker in Lego land.

Taking a step back now and just considering all the above… maybe its not the matrix.  Maybe its my inability to make the matrix my own.  My inability to transfer back into it and do everything on purpose.  Yes I’ve made changes.  Yes, my perception has changed.  But am I living fully 100% every minute of every day in my own skin.  Or am I still being swayed, pulled by invisible tethers to conform?  Perhaps my frustration and lack of satisfaction is more to do with the fact that it feels very uncomfortable to be in this space and I long for the comfort of a tribe that walks alongside me.

And the annoying factor is that my tribe lives over oceans.  And the tribe I’ve found to date here take so much longer to connect with.  Less time.  Less vulnerability.  More walls.  More Matrix.  I feel like an alien.