It wasn’t until I stepped out of the matrix of standardised living that I realised everything is an illusion. Despite my best efforts to remain above it all, I still want to look cool. To look good and to invite admiration, respect and affection. I am still defined by the ideology that I grew up to know as right – have a house, have a secure job, save for retirement, find a partner. Find your passion. Do stuff that will look good on facebook. Have stuff that others will covet.
But boredom has set in. While playing in the illusion, I find myself not caring about outcomes. Of being unopposed to being challenged and unperturbed by opinion. More often than not I find myself as a chameleon, reflecting the requirements of the person in front of me and denying my true self to exist. The matrix (or is it me?) is comforted by familiarity and abhors conflict and derisive behaviour. By relinquishing control I’ve stumbled across a new freedom.
There have been many catalysts & reasons to this perhaps temporary divergence from standardised living.
One – too many people I know have died, are fighting terminal illnesses or have experienced tough times. I understand death and hard times, but I don’t understand suffering.
Two – I’ve experienced an existential existence that feels more like home. The matrix is not it.
Three – I can feel my heart divorcing itself from old connections, relationships and patterns. I feel no remorse…at times I feel nothing.
Four – Life feels less gray. Its becoming black and white and rainbows.
Five – the need to chameleon spontaneously erupts less frequently. When it does it feels fake and empty.
I thought about the things that bring me comfort, joy and security. The things that fill me up….they’re not particularly cool.. some are weird. They aren’t rules, standards, goals or a bucketlist. They are just musings that I felt like jotting down, because sometimes I feel like I’m being pulled into a Pleasantville type of fantasy world…the type that you live on the surface. The fantasy where you operate in a state of denial for fear of feeling the emptiness, unfulfilment and loneliness of a world without doing. Where you can’t live with yourself stripped naked of ambition, achievement and success. Where you can find solace and empowerment in the vulnerability of your own Soul because you realise that you are everyone. And everyone is you.
We all seek connection. But choose not to enter a state of intimacy. Because we have built fear like a barracade to protect ourselves. And in the process we create separation. We deprive ourselves of the opportunity to experience heaven on earth because we fear love.
Anyway…heres my jottings..little rays of sunshine that help me operate in this illusion..that fill me up..some are aspirational….
What I want today:
1. To have more stormy, rainy days filled with nothing in particular.
2. To be independant. And self sufficient. Always.
3. To have a really great massage, whenever.
4. To be fit and strong, shiny and vibrant.
5. To eat delicious food & medicine foods my body craves.
7. To help others but only when I feel in the mood..to teach..to give.
8. To feel part of something great.
9. To feel loved and cared for. Receive infinite really really good hugs.
10. To choose every morning what I’d like to do when I wake up. Do I want to go to work, or go on a roadtrip in my brand new very fast (with lots of buttons) shiny car or book tickets to Bali?
11. To be a student of the universe…doing endless retreats, workshops and creative endeavours.
13. To blog on escapism, adventurism, crazyism, hippyism.
6. To be crazily in love with myself and the space I’ve created.
12. Wanderlust. To find myself on top of mountains, in the middle of jungles and ensconced in faraway villages.
13. To have endless hot showers and epsom salt baths.
14. Ecstatic dance. Groovy tunes.
15. To build a place where people come, to be inspired, to learn, to find their tribe, to heal, grow and become.
16. To feel freedom and excitement, thrills and adrenaline, peace and gratitude.
17. To feel lost in space, embraced by Gaia, surrounded by mythical creatures in a fairytale storyline, cocooned in fluffy clouds and protected by the force.
18. To minimise feelings of aloneness, lostness, confusedness or uncertainty, doubt and hopelessness.
19. To unequivocally stand in authenticity, without excuses, masks or shame.
20. To spend precious time with precious people.
21. To be selfish and not feel guilty.
22. To make peace and fully embrace in my failings, shortcomings and inadequacies