Compulsive fk yourself over disorder

Today I’m faced with a decision that has driven me to ignore my phone.  Its turned off while I mull over a little crossroad that I’m at.  To step forward or to remain where I am.  It may not be the best step, but its movement none the less.

You see, the way I look at it, every decision, big or small is a decision to remain in power or not.  To live with the status quo or to move onto a different path – to live by the strength of your authenticity – which are the rules that you have determined through life experience to give you the ability to live in your highest and best interests.  Where your morals, your health, your goals, your mind, your sense of wellbeing all fall beautifully into a place and time where you are fulfilled, at peace and happy.  The consequence of the decision maybe trivial, and often times, only I will know the significance as it plays on my mind, determining how I vibrate out to the world.  Those decisions that put us into a place of fear, uncertainty and unknown are quite often the ones that allow us to grow and bring the greatest rewards.  Sometimes they just allow us to explode out of stagnancy.  I’ve found that living in a constant state of fear doesn’t help the adrenals too much.  The agony of inaction is detrimental.  Small actions can assuage the mind, stimulating a little serotonin production.  The main question I’ve decided to ask myself is, “Are you still fking yourself over?”

Fasty Fast Fast

My energy has been super low – a culmination of poor diet, lack of exercise and lack of purpose, but mainly because of being LOST.  It’s hard to comprehend or synthesise anything when you are tired physically.  But its impossible when you are tired psychologically.

I’ve just finished a 5 day juice fast.  We were presented with a blank pie chart which had been segmented into work, play, health, relationships etc.  We were to shade in to what extent we were satisfied with each area.  Horrifyingly, I couldn’t shade in anything.  A picture paints a thousand words and it was of no surprise that being lost is a huge consequence of not having any of life’s joys sitting on ones plate.

The fast was the hardest one I’ve completed to date – emotionally.  I felt like a dog with my head low and my tail between my legs.  The funniest moment was while doing a fire breath exercise, coming out fixated on meat pies.  That, my friends, is all about eating emotionally which I’ve been doing a fair bit of.  While its more conducive to overall health to stick to a good eating plan, fasting is a quick, effective way for me to restore the old body back into line (sans meat pies!)

Energy in motion

When stuck, its helpful to take action.  Sometimes it doesn’t even matter what it is.  To keep moving is the basis of life.  Well I felt pretty shitty on the fast, but today, I feel an energy that I haven’t had for the last few months.  A renewed feeling of being back in my body.  A sense of vitality that I haven’t had, allowing me to do some yoga, go for a jog, and make a green smoothie.  And a requirement to write in order to work through this decision.  It doesn’t seem like a lot, but to me its something, its enough to keep the furnace lit.  It’s enough to temporarily help me feel like I’m not fking myself over.

The decision

I wanted some questions to ask myself to determine how I would proceed with said decision.  Its a bit weird because I started out with the standard – well how does it make you feel in either scenario.  But that just wasn’t working for me and instead I ended up writing a list of the things that I’m appreciating right now – a framework if you like.  For each decision that I make, I want to align myself up with these.

Well I’ve decided to extend my fast by another 5 days.  Much gratitude to whoevers out there in the globisphere for tuning in.

Arohanui x

  1. To feel empowered
  2. To be healthy and have energy and be balanced – mind and body
  3. To be able to save and buy the things I want to be healthy
  4. To feel like I’m contributing – to be of service
  5. To have the ability to simplify my life
  6. To be down to earth, live by common sense – not stupid rules or bureaucracy
  7. To feel free to be authentic
  8. To feel relaxed, at peace, satisfied, fulfilled and free of stress
  9. To feel like I have a sense of purpose, that I matter in this world
  10. To feel like I’m moving towards where I want to be
  11. To have a home and a routine that allow me to feel grounded, but not incarcerated
  12. To have access to a community of people with shared interests