Existentialism, looping, being in flow


I wrote this blog on the way to the airport to leave Bali.  And rediscovered it now, as I lay on the biggest stump in the afternoon sun in Victoria park Foxton, my hometown, while I muse on the subject of:
How f#cken Ponicorns make money…so they don’t spend their days lazing around like a loser.

I’m dedicating this blog to Robbie because I can.  And because hes cool.

In the shuttle on the way to the airport to leave Bali, a song came on the radio by John Mayer.  All of me.  It made me sad because I instantly imagined Scott saying those lyrics to me.  It made me sad to recall another goodbye, this farewell to Bali.  I felt the familiar pang of a void opening up, separation as I transition from here to….somewhere. 

I’m not so good at goodbyes anymore.  I pretend they’re not really happening.  Its see you later.  Because the thought of not being able to put all my favourite places and people in one place for me to enjoy like a buffet – the separation, the absence combined with a foray into the unknown, would be unbearable.

But its time to move on…its overtime.  But I got stuck in a loop…and of course, life is not wrong…it happened that way for a reason.

My gorgeous friend, Monique is talented.  Not only does she ensure I look good in all facebook pictures, but shes way tuned in. While staying at a fab villa on the East coast, we took a walk along the beach.  We found ourselves deep in discussion on the front lawn of a randomly awesome resort on the concept of looping. 

Looping is the act of repeatedly playing the same program.  In an existential sense, we are trapped in thought processes which effectively traps us into words which traps us into actions which traps us into a life.  This could be a perfectly acceptable life in which case, happy days.  However it might not be.  The tricky part is that the ‘victim’ doesn’t have the awareness to observe this state. 

Here are 4 common states that I’ve observed in myself and others:

1.  Is unhappy but doesn’t regard the unfulfilment to be great enough to change or is unaware that a change is even an option.
2.  Is unhappy but imprisoned by the program running in the mind.  Is defeated.
3.  Hits crisis.  Change is inevitable to survive.
4.  Accepts that a change must be made.  Doesn’t know how to do this.  Does nothing.

Being in the flow
I’ve been stuck in a loop.  Not an altogether terrible situation from the outside.  Stuck in Bali due to an Act of God?..which is hilarious in itself… but seriously..for 10 days?!  My Bali family were questioning the lunacy of this setback..the inherant ‘signs’ and the leadup to this quarantine.  It was a merry little trail of breadcrumbs to ‘stay the fk in Bali’.   This became very apparant to me as I checked in.  My layover is the LONGEST check in girl had heard of to date.  The 2 other Kiwis I’d been stranded with both left days earlier, as did the  other 700 Aussies…

Now at first I welcomed a 10 day all expenses paid 4 star vacay…but…I got bored…and then food addictions started to kick in..and the buffet appeared like clockwork 3 times daily.  I crazily manifested this luxury, but I also manifested my worst temptation.  This might seem trivial, but putting sugar and bread in front of a chronically deprived, candida infested maniac with roller coaster blood sugar, the metabolism of a slug and anxiety driven cravings is really not cool.

Despite the buffet…I was still skirting around the edge of being ‘in the flow’.  This concept is one you’ve probably experienced.  When everything is fab – you find the last carpark, win $20 at the lottery and get an unexpected payrise, all in the same day.  A little bit of magic happens – you’re in the flow!

Well, buffet boredom was a terrible test for me, which I failed miserably.  BUT I did break the loop – and was rewarded with a series of rewards…My last night of buffet was amazing healthy, vege balinese style buffet for the local Galungan celebration (not crappy half assed western style), then I got to keep my room till I left that night, then I got my flights changed to direct flights instead of multiple stopovers.  Everything happened without having to request it.

Being in the flow is the path of least resistance and maximum magic! Ponicornism

Existentialism – the meaning of life
I’ve been pondering what Bali has taught me.  There is some anxiety associated with transitioning back into the matrix.  There is some anxiety associated with integrating 2 worlds.  Theres anxiety on integrating BSD (Before Scott Died) and ASD (After Scott Died) into a LWS (Life Without Scott). 

I am at my happiest when I can write about Existentialism – the meaning of life.  There are 4 Ayurvedic tenets for building a strong foundation for fulfilment. 

1. Enjoyment  – having fun
2. Prosperity – supporting yourself
3. Career – supporting the statement ‘I am’
4.  Liberation – Existentialism

Ubud has liberated my mind.  A 3rd world country has retrained me. 

Its taught me to be aware.
Its taught me to observe.
Its taught me to slow down.
Its taught me that life is now.
Its taught me that ME comes first.
Its reminded me to run towards fear.

In short…Its taught me the meaning of life – extentialism.  How many ways can I express that my only purpose is to look inward and find that sanctity of inner realisation and peace.  Because that is my job…just like its everyones job to do the same for themselves.  I contribute by being in strength and in my power.

The tricky part
Is putting all this theory into practice.  I haven’t figured out how to do that yet. 
Because successful integration means taking action.  Opportunities fly past my fingertips as whispers of dreams..tantalising me into fantastical lands where I build kingdoms and waltz about madly tending to frenetic production of….widgets…
Then theres the bank with a half offer of something, somewhere, maybe, that represents the villain in the fairytale, the evil conglomerate in the dark forest in the shadowlands…

Where do flow and common sense merge?

Where will the next breath take me?  Will it be in flow?  Or will I loop?

Lying on this big ole stump nothing even seems to matter…purpose, success, failure…everything feels so insignificant.  Its only when I’m surrounded by people am I reminded that we’re all in a race to have stuff and be stuff and do stuff. 

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you


I’m a f*cking unicorn

You are a fucking unicorn.  You are a fucking unicorn and all this time, you’ve been trying to be a horse.  You very carefully hid your horn everytime you popped into a room, pretending you were more horselike and able to do more horselike things and repressing the best parts of you.  Unicorns are unicorns and horses are horses.  When you hide who you are, truly, madly, deeply, at the core of your being and try to fit into some other idea of you, you start to dull, you shine less.  Your horn starts to lose its power because its not infused with everything it needs to stay alive and before you know it, your heart is crumpling in your hands.  Bryony Wise, Elephant 1 Dec 12

Well I don’t know how ponicorns fit into the equation, but I had to smile tonight when my brother in law rang up because the unicorn in Despicable Me reminded him to call me…Then as I was reading from my favourite website – elephant journel, an article popped up.  It was entitled ‘I’m a fucking unicorn (or 10 things to do when you get fired for the first time).

It’s hard to have a sense of humour when you arrive back from a tropical island into the depths of winter, joblessness and homelessness.  This is the valley of the integration period I had anticipated would occupy me until October this year.  It’s been really important for me to find a sanctuary from the burdening weight of the matrix … a home, a job..the desire for a safe haven.  In any period of upheaval or stress/anxiety, I’ve found it necessary to escape  from external reality.  But also to escape the noise of my own mind telling me stories.  The slightest reminder of anything mythical, magical, freaky and anti-western has a special way of distracting from the less magical places I find myself in.   I love how I can disappear into unicorn blogland and instantly reconnect with myself.

The container and the ritual

I was first introduced to this concept by my friends who dabble in tantra.  Yes, you read right.  I just mentioned tantra.  Yes, I also know a little bit about tantra…but that story is for another day…!  The container is a safe space.  It can be physical.  It can be metaphysical.  It can be emotional.  It can be all of these things.  But in tantra, its a place where there is a clear set of rules of engagement.  Communication is key.  Mutual respect, admiration, respect, fun, affection and pleasure are all incorporated.  But most importantly, containers represent safety.  I use this term in my head all the time and I find myself relating to it more and more as I travel.  I have designated safe spots or containers.  They are places where surroundings are familiar, people are familiar.  Roads, shops and ideologies are the same.  They are easy to just arrive at.  I like them, because I tend to find that it takes me about a week to settle into a new space.  I thought about the reasons why.  It appears that due to a lack of consistency in ANY area of my life, its hard to remember what my daily schedule should look like.  I literally wake up and have to figure out what I should be doing when I get out of bed.  This, of course, is not a problem for most people…the grind of alarm, brekkie, job, dinner, bed is all too familiar.  Grass is greener and all that.

Its interesting that I find myself dislocated most from the people and institutions that I first ran away from.  I say interesting because I wasn’t sure how these encounters would unfold.  I yearn for odd people, odd food, odd pastimes and a life less ordinary…and when I can’t have it…I retire to my container.

Sometimes I’m surrounded by  the despair created by other people.  I find that I’m particularly sensitive to this if I’m not feeling particularly positive myself.  Sometimes, however, I find I can create this dark space all by myself.  I can be in a perfectly happy space with perfectly happy people.  In the past I’d use all of my energy to put on the happy face….now…I just can’t do it.  Its not authentic.  And it drains my energy even more to have to do so.  So again…it feels more fair to retreat to my container.   I don’t think its very cool to bring others down continually with a never-ending diatribe on the shittiness of life or dispel awesome energy with one foul prick of offending sullenness.

The best way I’ve found to block out the bad vibes is to put my earphones in and literally turn my brain off for a bit…and then…write.

Interestingly, as Tino (amazing balinese shaman masseuse) always used to say to me, ‘a womens brain ceases self chatter in 2 situations, 1. when I (Tino) give them a massage, and 2. when they orgasm.  I can’t argue with his opinion 😉

Disillusionment and Perception

What happens when you want to spend more time in fairyland than in reality?  Its a tough question.  Its easier to be less aware.  To question less.  To know less.

Sure there are plenty of people around that perceive life to be optimal.  Whether its optimal or not is not important.  Its the perception that is important.    The way that we look at our situation is EVERYTHING.  How many times have I just decided to look at a situation from a different angle, and found my energy to shift to a higher vibration?  It’s uncanny.  But it takes awareness and a concerted effort.  And it takes considerable stamina to reinforce the habit.  Small pleasures are key.

I still find I’m a huge culprit of glass half empty syndrome.  The worst part is that I recognise my fallibility and it absolutely kills me that I still return to that space, because now not only am I in it, I’m also observing myself being in it.  Its torture when I can’t operate the STOP button!

This is when articles like this are handy.


It makes me smile.  It makes me realise that I’m a little kooky.  A little special – sometimes in a retarded way.  It helps me remember all of the amazing people, places and memories that helped this little horse to grow a horn.

Milk & meat – a recipe for disease?

The China study is the most comprehensive study on nutrition by Dr T Colin Campbell.  6,500 chinese families are studied and he claims some 8,000 correlations around plant based nutrition and health.  I find these claims intriguing and have read on the counter claims too.  But for the purpose of this blog, I want to believe that there is one answer and a protocol for better health – plants.

Why do I feel the need to share?

Take a look at these statistics:

-90% of all diabetes worldwide is Type II.  ie preventable

-We join the USA, Malta and Spain as countries with the highest incidence of diabetes

-240,000 Kiwis have diabetes

-An estimated additional 100,000 may have it and are undiagnosed

-Maori and pacific islanders are 3 times more likely to have diabetes

-1.1 million kiwis are obese

-NZ women have the highest level of colon cancer in the OECD

-NZ men have the 3rd highest level of colon cancer in the OECD

We’ve all learned that high levels of bad cholesterol is unhealthy and lead to heart disease.  My own levels aren’t the best by my own standards but seem ok by western standards.  LDL is at 107 with the recommended optimal being below 100.  Total cholesterol is 176 with recommended optimal below 200. 
My GP says nothing to worry about..however…by whose stick is she measuring health? 

Normal ranges of cholesterol (the ones you see next to your blood test results) are western standards.  Cholesterol levels taken from the China study show ranges between 70-170 mg/dl.  Basically what the chinese considered to be high is a Western standard of LOW cholesterol.  

Lower blood cholesterol levels are linked to lower rates of heart disease, cancer and other Western diseases, even at levels far below those considered “safe” in the West.

As blood cholesterol levels decreased from 170 mg/ dL to 90 mg/ dL, cancers of the liver, rectum, colon, male lung,  female lung, breast, childhood leukemia, adult leukemia, childhood brain, adult brain,  stomach and esophagus (throat) decreased. The China study

Think on this for a minute… The results of the study correlated low ingestion of animal products with LOW rates of heart disease.  We aren’t just talking meat, this includes dairy products.

James Anderson, scientist on diabetes and diet found that a plant based, whole foods diet alone could lower total cholesterol levels by 32% in just over two weeks.

A key point to understand is that cholesterol is produced by the consumption of animal fat.  Cholesterol CANNOT be derived from eating plants.

And if you need more information, take a gander at the documentary ‘Simply raw’ by Gabriel Cousins..who is legendary in the raw world, an MD, holistic doctor and staunch advocate of a raw diet in curing a multitude of chronic illnesses including type II diabetes.

“Diabetes is a chronic disease that has no cure. “– The American Diabetes Association

The results of this Simply raw study hotly contest this statement.  A group of Type I and Type II diabetics are bought together and put on a raw food diet for 30 days.  The results are nothing short of astounding:

-blood sugar levels dropped between 65-214 points
-cholesterol levels dropped up to 60 points
-weight loss
-most dropped all insulin and medication

The best source of protein, having the best building blocks for the body is human flesh.  But since cannibalism is illegal and most of us don’t have the rapacious appetite of Hannibal Lector, we usually settle for some cow or lamb.

Of the 6,500 families over 65 counties surveyed, a higher level of animal based protein positively correlated with a high incidence of liver cancer.

Cassein – why milk could be for calves – not people
At the risk of being stopped at the border and not being allowed back into the country, the findings of the China study on milk (cassein) and its correlation with heart disease and cancer are integral.  In the following test rats were fed casein, derived from milk.

Rats generally live for about two years, thus the study was 100 weeks in length. All animals that were administered aflatoxin and fed the regular 20% levels of casein either were dead or near death from liver tumors at 100 weeks. All animals administered the same level of aflatoxin but fed the low 5% protein diet were alive, active and thrifty, with sleek hair coats at 100 weeks.  The China study

What conclusions do I draw after reading the China study?  I think we are all looking to be given the correct protocol so we don’t have to do the research ourselves into what works best for us.  I know I’d rather have that work done FOR me.  But alas, we are all unique, requiring unique protocols.  In my experience, actioning the health plan is always the hard part!

But there is a diet foundation that we can all build from.  And I think its simple.  More organic whole plant food, raw and cooked leads to better health.

From my own experience, when I was eating 80% raw organic last year I have NEVER felt better.  I was at my slimmest, I had the glow, my hair felt amazing and I had the flattest tummy ever…

So do meat and dairy cause cancer? Short answer is No.  Not by themselves.  But in excess and in conjunction with other poor nutrition, yes.  They are mucuous forming, acidic foods.  If you eat too much and you’re one of those unlucky sensitive (or you’re getting older, like me) peeps, then yes I’d cut them.  If you’re sick, I’d cut them.   Any imbalance in the body left unchecked WILL lead to disease.

All you can do is get regular health checks and eat many veges…and..

..find your inner Chinaman… they apparently have this sorted 🙂


Simply raw by Gabriel Cousins

The China study by Dr T Colin Campbell

White Death – Leptin resistance deconstructed

blood sugar acu check

This morning I stabbed myself in the finger and tested my blood sugar levels.  Because I’m a freak like that.  I love these gadgets, how cool is technology these days?  I wanted to get an idea of how my fasting bloods looked because I was doing a bit of reading on diabetes last night and my body is sensitive to sugar.

So, my reading is 5.7mmol.  This is not a fabulous level.  And I’m keen on testing over the course of a few days to see if it averages out at a similar level.  Blood sugar levels are affected by what was eaten the night before, which happens to be just some coconut kefir yoghurt – no sugar added.  Blood sugar will be lower when you roll out of bed, compared to if you have been busy moving around.  And it will be lower before eating food than after. When I chatted to my GP she suggested a month of testing to determine an average.

..so my reading was 5.7, which according to Healthline.com can be pre diabetic, however the ranges vary depending on where you are reading.

…so just for a laugh, I ate a bowl of oat bran and retested.  It went up to 7.  The normal range is about 5-7.

In terms of the legitimacy of these gadgets...

Well they are used by diabetic patients to monitor blood sugar levels and I guess that the quality of the machine is important as well as following the protocol.

AND…I had bloods done 6 weeks ago which showed a reading of 95 mg/dl.  Anything under 100 is considered normal.  HOWEVER this is interesting….

In a new study with 46,000 participants with blood sugar with less than 100, of the people with blood sugar 95-99 over the next 7 years, were 2 and a half times more likely to get Diabetes 2 than those with blood sugar at 85.

People with blood sugar 90-94 are 49% more likely to get Type 2 diabetes

While these levels seem high, I should probably add that I’d been binging on sugar and fatty stuff before I had the blood test while I was going through a low period, and this will definitely have an impact on levels.

The important thing to note is the bigger picture.  What do cholesterol, triglycerides and cholesterol/HDL ratio look like and what are the symptoms experienced?  My ratio’s and triglycerides are fine and I’m not overweight.  Interestingly, there is a link between post menopausal women and type 2 diabetes which I’m interested in given my low levels of progesterone.

Estrogen triggers insulin resistance, so the combination of oestrogen dominance and sugar sensitivity is not a good one.  Will be interested to see what my estrogen levels look like!!

My levels are as follows:

LDL 107

HDL 62

Chol/HDL ratio 2.8

Triglyceride 44

White death

I’m referring to sugar.  For some people, sugar is ok to have sometimes.  I find that I’m sensitive to sugar.  As soon as I have sugar, I want more sugar.  This can be an indication of Candida.  Candida and bacteria feed off sugar.

This is how it goes usually…

Sugar increases insulin. Insulin controls blood sugar levels. Insulin resistance creates leptin resistance.

What is Leptin?

Leptin is a hormone produced by fat cells that plays a crucial role in appetite and weight control.  Leptin determines your health and your life span.

What is leptin resistance?

This is when there is leptin circulating in the body, but the body is not responding the way its meant to.  Usually when your fat stores are full, leptin is produced, sending a signal to the brain to ‘STOP EATING!!’ and stop storing fat.

Why does leptin resistance occur? When the body is continuously subjected to surges of leptin, it eventually becomes resistant to the signals.  This generally occurs with a diet high in sugar (particularly fructose),  grains and processed food.  These are the same foods that create inflammation in the body.

Metabolism can roughly be termed the chemistry that turns food into life

Insulin and leptin work together to control the quality and rate of metabolism.  If your metabolism is out, its likely this will have a number of consequences.

How does Diabetes and blood sugar fit in?

The shattering fall back to earth after the indulgence of a chocolate bar is not cool.  How often in my past have I been starvingly hungry, and reached for the most convenient food thats in my path?  I’m shuddering when I think of the roller coaster of spikes in blood sugar that my body was experiencing and the havoc that ensued after years of sugar abuse. While that hit of sugar might temporarily increase energy and assuage hunger, there wasn’t any sustained energy.  And the body, once deprived of the hit, then gets sleepy and dull. Foods with little fibre are the main culprits.  Carbohydrates like white rice, white bread.  Then fizzy drinks, fatty deep fried fast food and processed food  While some have bandied about that saturated fats are not so good like red meat and dairy.  I’m of the opinion that as long as the meats not processed (and its better if its organic and good quality), that meat is good in small amounts.  Dairy, I’m still on the fence.  I prefer raw and organic if I was to have it, but generally from what I’ve read, dairy is very mucuous forming ..and a whole bunch of other things.  Dairy deserve a blog of its own!

Common spikers White rice and bread – research has shown that by replacing even a third of your white rice intake with brown rice, the risk of heart disease reduces by 16%.  Its the fibre that reduces the spike.  Whole grains promote loss of body fat – they make you skinnier!

2 out of 3 people with diabetes die of heart disease or stroke 44% of kidney failure occur in diabetes sufferers

Fizzy drink and fruit juice – There is a 26% higher chance of developing diabetes 2 by drinking 1-2 glasses of fizzy drink a day. Fruit juice can be an even bigger culprit being full of fructose – if not had in moderation.  The main issue with fruit juice is the lack of fibre which slows digestion giving a lower glycemic load overall.

Red or processed meat – Research has shown that eating processed meat like sausages, hot dogs and bacon doubles the risk of developing diabetes.

Fast food – Not only spikes blood sugar but the high level of salt can increase blood pressure if taken regularly.  And

Triglycerides.  A Canadian study showed that eating a fatty fast food meal spiked blood sugar in 32% of healthy people who didn’t have diabetes.

Processed food – Tend to increase bad cholesterol, lower good cholesterol, because they are high in trans fats.  The combination of sugar and refined ingredients

Saturated fat

Studies have shown the eating too much of products loaded in saturated fat, such has red meat, butter and whole milk contribute to the development of diabetes 2 by increasing insulin resistance.

Surprising causes of blood sugar swings

-stress -dehydration -prescription medication -menstruation -lack of sleep -extreme temperatures -travel -caffeine -high levels of cardio exercise -grains 

cardio exercise – keeping the heart rate elevated spike hormone levels and promote production of free radicals

Some women become less sensitive to insulin during menstruation, causing blood sugar spikes..ahhh that explains all those uncontrollable sugar urges!

Blood sugar balancing requires FAT

When eating carbohydrates, introducing fat, leads to slower absorption of sugars into the bloodstream.  Adequate fat is needed for the proper digestion and consumption of protein. The gallbladder stores biles, which digests fat. If we don’t eat fat, toxins and hormones sit in the gallbladder, unable to be removed.

Brief summary

Not everyone has a sugar sensitivity.

But if you have symptoms like obesity or hard to shift weight, fatigue, coated tongue, poor digestion including bloating and gas, dull complexion and lifeless hair, taking some time out to get your bloods done and a health check is well worth the investment.

Information is critical to better health practices!

However, in general, EVERYONE will benefit from cutting down on sugar consumption.  Its not the occasional cake that has led to the epidemic of Diabetes, its the huge increase of sugar in everyday consumption hidden in those pretty packaged foods that promote convenience.


http://www.wellsource.com/articles-mhc/What-Should-Your-Blood-Sugar-Level-Be.html http://www.kefir.net/nutritional-content-of-kefir/

next breadcrumb gretal…

I refer to the story of Hansel and Gretal…it was a great idea to have a trail to follow, but not very well thought out…now there’s a familiar theme I think we can all relate to!!!  Perhaps Gretal was hormonally imbalanced too?

There’s a very popular GP/Naturopath in Ubud – Peggy Marienfeld.  Dr Peggy has been round the block a few times and knows how to treat all the common ailments round Bali.  The very cool practice she introduced me to is live blood analysis.  It’s pretty cool to see your blood under a microscope.  Who knows how accurate it is, but the pictures are pretty and its instantaneous.  It did show fungus, which looked like a beautiful scattering of bright orangeness over my squished up cells.  The bloods confirmed the candida, so I guess that’s pretty accurate.  She did think parasites, which my colonic therapist confirmed (I didn’t see them).  But my pathology showed up some things that the live blood test has yet to uncover.

They are:

  • UTI (Urinary Tract Infection)
  • Severely low progesterone (like post menopausal levels)
  • Slightly high B12 levels.

They couldn’t for some reason test for estrogen in Indonesia…its bali baby..if I go back tomorrow that rule will have changed!

Another thing that Lesley alerted to me, was she noticed heavy metal toxicity in my colonic.  This really got me thinking.  I don’t have any amalgam fillings, so any mercury poisoning would be from fish if anything, and I haven’t consumed a lot of fish since being in Ubud.  But after realising that a lot of my symptoms started after removing the Mirena, I started researching into some case studies on side affects and some incidents of copper toxicity emerged.  The reason for this?  Mirena is made from copper wire.

How Mirena works

It releases 20 mcg of levonorgesterel– a progestin birth control hormone into the uterus daily.  It’s a lower amount of hormone than the birth control pill.  Levonorgestrel is a progestin – a synthetic form of the female hormone, progesterone.

In reading the safety sheet, it’s advised that Mirena should not be used for any abnormalities in the uterus e.g fibroids.  Well guess what, I had the mirena put in as a preventative after I had fibroids to prevent further fibroids by increasing progesterone levels…eek….arrggghh…so annoying.

I’ve read a number of stories from women who have high levels of copper in their body after Mirena use….see section on copper toxicity below 😦

IUD poison

Its fair to say I’ve had ongoing hormone imbalances over the years.  I’ve taken various remedies like 30plus.  I even took anti depressants for a bit.  But it wasn’t until I had fibroids about 5 years ago that I realised that the hormones were really fking with me.  Both the doctor and the specialist had no good answer for my question of “Why do fibroids grow and what can I do to prevent them?”  The solution was to perform a D&C, a procedure to scrape out the fibroids.  In order to balance out the hormones an IUD was implanted – a Mirena.

In an effort to clean out anything unnatural in my body, I had this removed in January.  Since then, I’ve had a raft of annoying symptoms – culminating in the low progesterone reading.

It also turns out that is VERY common for acne is a common side effect – this I can attest to!  It wasn’t until I had the mirena implanted that I experienced acne flare ups on my back, which are still an issue 6 months after having the device removed.  It makes sense that this happens when you consider that the copper wire of the device blocks zinc.  This is important, because zinc deficiency can result in skin conditions like acne.

Low progesterone

Low progesterone is not good.

A LOT of women report severely low progesterone levels after removal of mirena.  Basically the body ‘forgets’ how to produce progesterone naturally.

Without adequate levels of progesterone, estrogen becomes the dominant hormone which leads to complaints like fibroids, endometriosis, gallbladder issues, thyroid dysfunction, fibrocystic breasts, weight gain, depression, anxiety, low sex drive.

Take a look at the long list of symptoms of low progesterone:

  • menstrual irregularities
  • infertility
  • acne
  • depression, anxiety, mood swings
  • low libido, fatigue, foggy thinking
  • slow metabolism, weight gain around middle, sugar cravings
  • migraines, headaches, allergy symptoms

Copper toxicity

Many IUD devices, including Mirena use copper wire.  Copper toxicity can really upset the body’s natural flow. On reading into it, here are the bits that have rung true for me, that I’ve experienced and make sense to me:

  • Liver toxicity with copper prevents the excretion of estrogen.  This is not particularly good if you are estrogen dominant as so many ladies are.
  • Copper competes with Zinc.  Zinc is required for the removal of heavy metals
  • Glutathione – the body’s natural  detoxify and antioxidant declines when too much copper is stored in the liver
  • Copper is overstimulating to the nervous system
  • Copper levels rise in response to stress, magnesium levels are depleted
  • Copper can accumulate in the thyroid

Copper and food

Foods that are high in copper are listed below.  It’s probably doesn’t sound like the best idea to eat food high in copper when you have copper overload.  Perhaps the best idea is to get copper levels tested.  What I can say is that if digestion is not so good, cutting out dairy, wheat, soy, kale and nuts and seeds that aren’t activated is a good idea.  They’re reasonably hard on the digestion.  The only foods that have an adequate amount of zinc to balance out copper toxicity are red meat, chicken, eggs and pumpkin seeds.

  • shellfish
  • nuts and seeds (except pumpkin)
  • soybeans
  • legumes
  • wheat
  • coconut
  • avocado
  • chocolate
  • coffee
  • leafy greens

The role of zinc

Zinc is a trace element, which means only small amount are required in the body.  Zinc plays a key role in the immune system.  Moderate zinc deficiency can be associated with disorders of the intestine resulting in malabsorption of food (common in Crohns & Coeliac patients) and kidney issues.

MMMM Mirena madness

I want to write more but I’m so bored with this post.  The end result is that I’ve been in contact with this little place in Tauranga called Natural Hormone therapy and a Saliva testing kit will be waiting for me when I arrive home.  Will keep you posted.  And when I feel inspired again, I’ll write some more on this topic…theres a lot to say.

..oh and in my opinion – DON’T Mirena.  Mirena-ing is just not cricket.

The End

It’s that time again.  It’s time to move.

8 months ago, I arrived in Bali to this same villa.  I remember throwing open the gate and being pulled into a vortex of community.  I felt like I’d come home.  Last year, I danced, I sang, I played, I learned.  I bathed in the simplicity of 3rd world splendour.

And the people!!…Everyone I met became an important part of my new family…teaching me how to speak, listen and love again…  Like a puzzle piece I slotted straight in.  Despite all challenges, I was in the right place.  I felt so good.

Fast forward to the present

So recently, I moved back.  Because things haven’t felt right recently.  And I wanted to recreate my happy place.  I couldn’t figure out what was so different.  But it just so happens it was another Moment In Time that I was trying to recreate, in my world that felt hysterical…in both a funny and crazy way.

It wasn’t the only reason it feels wrong.  .

I’m tired.  I move slowly… like I just want to get through this day, so I can go to bed.  And the next morning, I don’t want to leave my room.  I make myself leave.  I’m biding time.  I know I’m in the wrong place, but I haven’t quite summoned the courage to move yet.  I’ve been paralysed while my mind clicks away and my heart patiently doodles in the corner waiting for the mind to adjust to an inevitability.

Tonight I wanted to watch TV.  After a year of not watching ANY TV, I wanted to watch TV.  I wanted to watch Greys Anatomy.  I want to cozy up in front of my fire and just pretend that the outside world doesn’t exist…or that my place in it has been filled by someone else.

It’s better the second time round

That’s the message that Greys had to give me tonight.

Well, this resonated to me on a few levels.

No, theres no second time round with Scott.

No, this time round in Bali hasn’t been the same as the first – its been different.

But, Yes, there could be a better second time round for me…if I choose it.

The closing scene – do you remember when you were 7, and the dream you had about what you were going to do when you grew up?  Whatever that dream was, at 7, there were no obstacles, it just was.  It was certain.  It’s intriguing how adulting gets in the way of innocent, dreamy, childlike certainty.

I am exactly where I am.  It’s neither good nor bad.  Its reality.


I’m sad.

You know I thought that this would be the name of the book I’d write.  The acronym would stand for Stress, Anxiety, Depression.  It would be a story on love, loss and grief and how it can impact on health and wellness.  It would play on the themes of spirituality, vulnerability and existentialism.  It would help me.  It would help others.

It turns out the SAD also stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder.  It usually happens in winter.  It’s not cold here.  But its cold at home and I feel like I’m being affected by winter SAD.

Whatever.  I’m still sad.

Delayed Grief

My body is more finely tuned in than I am.  Often in the grief process, overwhelming feelings would hit me, only for me to realise that a certain date had passed, an anniversary or whatever.  My body was responding before my mind connected the dots.

I was surprised at this one.  Maybe I’ve just slowed down enough to be sensitive to it.   It took me awhile to figure out that last year, I was feeling exactly this way.  I’m revisiting and recycling those same feelings.

The same feeling of wanting to protect myself.

The same feeling of denying the world beyond the door.

The same feeling of incarceration.

It doesn’t matter where I am in the world, my body remembers the dates – I can’t run away from it.  And actually, its not for running from.  I can observe it now and understand it.  I know what it is.


The only way to stop the cycle, is to change the cycle.  This is what I have as my 6am calendar entry:

If you want to change your life, start by changing your day

Grief is Interminable

It doesn’t ever go away.

And neither do the mortgage, the bills and 6 month old mail.

So this is the end, my precious Ubud…

For now, our love affair is over.

I will take you, and all of your lessons, with me in my heart.

And I’ll return again, when you call me.

When it feels right.

Irrigating shit; Discovering equanimity


It’d be fair to say that shit is a hot topic for me.  I blog about shit.  I talk shit and now it turns out I’m also full of shit.  Alas, while the coffee enema’s have been keeping the shit at bay and all those green juices have topped up the reservoirs of nourishment that my cells has been dying for, it appears that the shit has literally hit the fan…the candida’s won this battle and  I have surrendered.

7 months ago I gave up my appointment to someone else to see Lesley (the Ubud queen of colonics), because I’m generous like that.  In the words of Julia Roberts, Big mistake, Big, Huge!  Maybe there was a more devine reason for this major oversight…?

I’d like to think that over that period of time, I’ve paid some serious attention to my emotional growth.  Soothing my inner child, paying homage to my linneage and ancestral lines, appeasing god and my soul, being aware of my thoughts, words and actions, all those super cool hippie things that come with the rich tapestry of everyday life in Ubud.  Retention of shit in Ubudian/Chinese/Ayurvedic terms is holding onto past emotions.

So maybe it was just time that was required after all of that emotional anguish and processing, to finally let go.

Who knows?  But after I left my kaya toast addiction behind in Singapore, then rebounded into green juice and chia/flaxseed revitalisation on Cenningan Island, I heard an incessant and disconcerting voice pulling me back to Ubud … I needed to get rid of some shit.

So I rocked up to Smiling Buddha colonics…and I was not disappointed.

Little did I know just how much shit can be contained in such a petite person  …On first examination, Putu was a little perturbed … citing gas pockets and burgeoning fullness … Lesley was beckoned over to which she exclaimed, I can’t believe you’re not seriously sick…what the heck is going on with your transverse colon?  I see heavy metal toxicity… and a lot of old crap…and signs of malabsorption…gross.

Malabsorption?  Malnutrition?  Well I am in a third world…but really?  Well I guess digesting the huge papaya I had for breakfast is challenging through a wall of fecal debris … This explains why I feel like my lungs have been rolled up to my chin – my transverse was loaded up like an over filled sausage roll… this is ever so slightly embarrassing.  What of all those colonics I’ve had before?  Clearly they’ve been SHIT!

While gently lavaging my inside with a stream of water, hydrating the 5 feet of this apparently ineffective organ, I felt distinctly full.  The accompanying feeling of discomfort dispersed once peristalsis kicked in and my colon magically decided to wake the fk up and start doing its damn job.  An hour and a half later, my lungs seem to have unfurled into their rightful place.  My sternum seemed to have sunk into my chest instead of poking out.  And I could BREATHE.  Oh that’s what it feels like to breathe from my diaphragm…this feels good

Today, after my second visit 48 hours later, I jumped on the scales to find I was over 2 kgs lighter…mmm…interesting…

I was a huge advocate for colonic irrigation.  Now I’m just a huge advocate for Lesley’s colonic irrigation…which just goes to show that its not about just taking action, its all about getting the right team on board to take said action…

It’s not your heart that rules your emotions, its your gut

In all the reading that I’ve done, its clear to me that the connection between the mind and the gut is pretty strong.  Its been rallied about that up to 90% of serotonin is produced in the gut.  The gut is known as the ‘second brain’.  The two way highway connection is represented by the Vagas nerve.  It uncannily and eerily dispels the myth that emotions are dictated only by the brain and instead puts forward the theory that our gut, the qualities of the microbic bacteria and overall health of our colon could actually be affecting our brains…our feelings of wellbeing or overall fked-upness.

This connection is one I’ve been rabbiting on about to all and sundry that would listen…anxiety, stress…while y’all might be familiar with depression being linked to serotonin levels, would you consider that all those negative thoughts might be causing a little bacterial overgrowth in the gut that was then depleting serotonin and then creating depression?  It’s back to front, ass about face and just as you thought, all at once.


How can a tee totalling, non coffee partaking, fit girl literally be full of shit?


In instances where the sympathetic nervous system has experienced a strong response to stress, the vagas nerve swings into excessive action, with a compensatory parasympathetic nervous system reaction.


When our bodies are in post traumatic stress, they respond to anything as a threat, including food. When we eat under stress, we interrupt all the phases of digestion.  Institute for the psychology of eating

The dominoes really start to fall once the digestive system fails for a prolonged period of time.  All of a sudden other maladies start to appear, bacterial overgrowth, hypothyroidism, liver congestion, arrythmia, diabetes…

Symptoms your digestion is off

I think most of you know me well enough by now to realise I think most illnesses start with the gut.  In my experience, I’ve had more than a 2 way street going, its more like a perpetual race track.  Here’s a few symptoms I’ve experienced that while some would accept as just part of daily existence, I don’t.

Difficulty breathing through the diaphragm.

Any protrusion from the sternum down to the lower abdomen.

Water retention, gas, bloating, puffiness



Anxiety, depression, stress, hypertension, brain fog

Constipation, indigestion, acid reflux


Tension or tightness in the belly

High cholesterol


Constant illness

IBS, Crohns, Leaky bowel, any chronic GI issue

Body aches, stiff muscles and joints

How to keep your agni firing

Theres everything to be said for a healthy diet, but I’m afraid that from experience, this doesn’t cut it once the body has been mistreated for long periods of time.  Detoxification really needs to address whatever imbalances have resulted before returning to the usual ‘food as medicine’ protocol.

Colonics – Literally get the old shit cleared out.

Relax – Activate the parasympathetic nervous system with yoga, meditation, qi gong, rest, alone time.

Movement – stimulate the lymphatic system

High Fibre diet – High in fruit and vegetables and easily digestible foods

Probiotics – replacing flora in the gut with a multi strain probiotic

Colon cleansing with herbs –  Colonics will only clear out the large intestine.  Herbal remedies will clean the small intestine.  Herbs in my current formula include :

Colon formula – black walnut hull, wormwood, cats claw, aloe vera, senna, pineapple, papaya, cloves, neem, triphala, turkey rhubarb

Lymph formula – echinacea, goldenseal, cleaver, astragalus, fenugreek, mullein, red clover, ashwaghanda

End result

I can literally feel tension and anxiety draining away when I’m having a colonic…it feels pretty amazing.  The funny thing is that I barely realise how its impacting on my overall wellbeing – just like weight gain – small decisions add up until 6 kgs later you look at a photo and despise what looks back- in my case – I forgot what it felt like to feel vital, calm and empty.  I literally had the shits.

Equanimity def:  Mental calmness, composure and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation


Huffington Post

Institute for the psychology of eating