Last week as I lay at the accupuncturists with 19 needles sticking out of me, I had a fleeting thought.
I’m not afraid to die. The thought of dying is less scary than living
Its a morbid thought but one that has come to me before. When I first began this journey, I used to be afraid of dying. I think most people are. But I realised its not death I’m scared of – its suffering. I’ve suffered before. I feel like I’m suffering at the moment and thats because for a long time now, I’ve been running a race. Its a race with no finish line. I don’t even know who I’m racing. My mind has created it and my body is being forced to tag along. But they are fighting each other in an endless desire to go separate ways. And instead…they’re both being burned. I’M being burned….I mean literally, my adrenals are fked…which is why I have the flu’. Yeap..it appears I’m still human and can get sick.
You would think that being in Bali is a cup of tea…and cake. I mean take a look at a day in the life of me:
Wake at 7am or 8am… or…later… Catch up on news online. Email. Text. Breakfast. Yoga. Swim. Accupuncture. Massage. Reflexology. Cake. Lie outside on the patio, in a thunder and lightening storm, contemplating my existence, eating chocolate and corn chips. More massage. Swim. Workshop. Dinner with friends. Ecstatic dance. Sing & dance with friends. Retreat with friends.
..all this while living in a tropical paradise. It hardly seems like suffering does it?
But as with many Facebook pictures, what you see presented to you does not always reflect the journey. It might amuse some of you when I say that living in a tropical paradise is not easy..particularly Ubud..it is after all part of a third world ..but apart from that…this place is uncomfortable and down right nasty at times. Because there’s no escaping the truth here. If you’re bringing emotional baggage to Ubud, you better be prepared to face it head on or…you will suffer…You see Ubud is about personal development. .digging deep into those traumas, emotions and the deep dark shit that, once its bought out..you can’t send it back. ..its here to torture you until you deal with it.
If I followed my own advice, if I took my own medicine, what would I say to myself?
Take a break.
So today I adventured to a NEW tropical island..Gili Asahan, to a little bamboo cottage with no wifi. Its quiet. Just me, my journel and my hammock and…my thoughts…
In the last 6 months I’ve pondering many concepts on life and death, spirituality, truth and love. But today I don’t know what is real. In the last 18 months the only thing I identify with is death and change….and chaos. Sometimes it hard to distinguish whether my life stopped and a story began…and whether I’m still in the story or …where the hell am I?
Reality appears to be where I am right now. It’s not yesterday or last month and its not tomorrow. It’s simply now. And it appears that if I just let go of everything and …swim. If I just swim..I’ve consciously decided not to suffer.
As I splashed around in the bay, looking back to the retreat, I made this decision. I decide not to suffer today.
This is my life. This is real.
This is not that bad.