My world has changed. I have been converted.
To the dark side.
I’m typing this post from my shiny new Macbook Air. I bought it yesterday. I’ve been using it for the sum total of 8 minutes. I’m already in love with it. I almost love it more than my Tibetan singing bowl. Is it possible for my ‘things’ to be in a war for my affection?
Today I feel totally energised and also really present all at the same time. I’m back in my beloved Bali. I moved into my new place and…it just feels so right. Everything is so right. It’s not perfect but its right for this MIT – moment in time. So its no surprise to me that I received just what I needed to today…connection and inspiration.
Thank you to my friend who I spoke to this morning (Tues) for the inspiration for this blog. You know who you are.
In the beginning
In August, I was still experiencing a dark, dark place. I’d occasionally come up for air. On one of these occasions, I flicked through my Kindle and came across a book that I’d read a year ago. It was Michael Mosely’s ‘Fast Diet’. I LOVE Michael Mosely. His documentaries are really educational and make so much sense. He puts his own body on the line in order to test his theories…true commitment. He throws heart, mind and soul into his research – I have tremendous respect for people who can do this.
The book talked about fasting and its ability to reset the body. Now, It’s not that I hadn’t acknowledged my poor emotional state, but rather I didn’t know how to fix it. I was used to healing my physical body through exercise, diet and supplementation. I was finding it difficult to make the connection between said emotional state and the resultant physical compromise that my body was experiencing. In fact, I was finding it difficult to process much at all.
I don’t know what lead me to that book. I don’t know what lead me to google ‘fasting’. But I’m so grateful to this day that I did. Up came Purewellbeing – fast – Strathean house, Te Horo – 7 days. I emailed Michael. He gave me information. I sat on that information for a couple of weeks. Two days before the fast, I emailed Michael to ask if there were spots still available. Of course, there were.
I’m not going to go into the fast in detail in this blog. But I can tell you that I arrived a dark, heavy representation of me. The very worst version of me seemed to appear on that first night.
By the end of the fast, I had experienced not only physical transformation. The changes seem to have invaded me at cellular level. I have described it to many people as being back in my body again. I wasn’t merely just surviving anymore. The emotional kickstart was unexpected, but required. I felt shiny and new.
For this awakening, I am eternally grateful to Michael and Jules – they know their stuff! On that same retreat, I met Aaron who is part of that same family. He gave me the confidence and the kick up the ass to restart my reiki practice. I love you all as part of my family – Thank you!
I wanted to let you all know that the decision I made on that Wednesday was in fact, the decision to stop grieving. To stop being depressed. To stop wasting away. To stop feeling sorry for myself. To stop making excuses.
That day, I decided that I wanted to see what tomorrow would bring. To heal. That day I decided to live.
I can’t describe how profound this is now, in hindsight. In a prior conversation with said person who inspired this post, I’d stated that my grieving period would be at least 2 years. I still felt so broken. 1 year wasn’t long enough for me to even get close to acknowledging anything. I was so wrong. And also I apologise for that comment, because all it did was create stress and worry for a bunch of people.
On that Wednesday, the 20th August, I stopped grieving and I started healing. Looking back, I can now clearly see, that there exists two periods of time – The Grieving and The Healing. There are very real differences between the two.
Floating in the pool
It wasn’t until I got off the phone and jumped in the pool that the hazy concept of this blog appeared. I was floating on my back, looking up at the amazing blue sky and fluffy clouds. Random swallows drifted in and out of a picture framed by leafy green trees. Idyllic. I felt empowered. I felt strong but yet strangely at peace. I felt grounded, complete and yet also excited. I realised something.
As part of the reiki course, I received a session from Omari. He’s very intuitive. He gave me a rundown on what was going on for me. I knew about the digestion. I knew that my heart chakra was much stronger. But I didn’t realise that both my throat chakra and also the channel between the heart and throat chakra were frankly, a little screwed. I didn’t know quite how to process this. Once again I kind of felt I was back in the place where I didn’t know what to do again. I’ve felt this sensation several times over the past year. Being washed around by the tide, buffeted, having no control, flailing, not knowing when and where to kick because I don’t know what direction to move in. I wanted a formula for how to get through this next stage.
Realisation hit me. I’ve been busy baring my heart and soul via blog, email and text…yes I’ve been talking, but not to the people that matter to me most. Not to the people that need me. Not to my closest friends and family. Not to Scotty’s closest friends and family. What a moron.
Getting practical – The lesson in this for me, is I need to up my game. Skype, phone calls and voice message as opposed to texting and emails. This is a call out to everyone. I’ve stopped grieving. I’m healing. I’m in a really good place at the moment. You’ve been waiting for me to get to this place. Now, in order for me to proceed, I need to help you. So, please, please, please, don’t feel like you can’t burden me with your ‘stuff’. It’s extremely cathartic for me to share with you. It’s extremely empowering and grounding and ‘right’ for me to open the doors to this communication. Just call me baby!
My friend Penny described it well. She has been there for me every day. Our relationship has skyrocketed to another level. I could see that she was on high alert. Protective mode. This imbalance in power never helps a relationship long term. On the 10 month anniversary, Nigel posted to our whatsapp group asking them to send a little love my way. I’d answered to that – ‘but only because I’m so awesome’. She felt instant relief. I was back. She could breathe out the breath she’d been holding for 10 months and let the full realisation of Scotty’s passing hit her. My words back to her? Relax now. Grieve.
Another one of my people asked, ‘Wasn’t I meant to be supporting you??????’
Say what you wanna say
Let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
How can I reinforce the following so you really get it and take action on it????? Listen up people!!
You help me by helping yourself.
Grieving/Healing is a two way street. Come join me.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Stop tiptoeing. Stride with purpose.
Feel it, acknowledge it, surrender to it.
I don’t know what the definition for an earth angel is. I can’t be bothered googling anything. I’m just going to tell you how I feel. I feel a strong desire to reach out to people and assist them ALL the time. As soon as I make contact with someone, whether I know them or not, I scan and search and analyse. I listen and digest. I work out if there is something they require that I have.
Have I talked about the concept of rescuing v enabling before? Michael introduced me to it and I’m pretty sure I have posted about it, but here it is again…in different words. It turns out that I’ve in the past tried to rescue people. You know, its the ‘give a person a fish’ concept. Whereas enabling someone is the ‘teach them to fish’ concept. In my grieving capacity I was attempting to reach out to rescue people, which is a bit fked up really given the ball of turmoil that was me. In fact most people were completely rejecting my offers of assistance, because they thought it was their duty to support and help me. They really didn’t get that by sharing, I was healing.
Editors note – my first post on my mac and I thought I’d lost it…whhaaat?? It disappeared…I couldn’t find it…I felt (and I’m still feeling it) the heavy weight return to my chest. Accompanied by LES. Whaaaat??? Again??? I was feeling like someone had died…because I’d lost a post….The feeling…and the knowing message I received was:
get your ass on your scooter and DO something, you lazy cow
Real Conversations – are hard to come by at home. in Ubud, they are not. There are no introductions to a conversation starter here. You might share a table with a random stranger. Within 2 minutes you’re talking about whatever emotional scar bought you here and the workshop you did that day that’s helping. The only problem with being here is the constant requirement to ground yourself. Everyone is existing in the clouds, we’re all so high. (no drugs required). This is new to me. I’d have to say that before ‘that day’ a good 85% of my conversations were shallow insipid conversations about the weather and suchlike. Post ‘that day’, that percentage has dropped down to say 40%. But its all been a bit one sided – i.e. me expressing myself. I can’t do this anymore – the one sided thing that is. Its really unfair. It’s imbalanced. The ying must equal the yang. Frankly I find conversations around the weather, and the continuous dialogue on your week to date, exhausting. Give me the real stuff. The conversation that energises me and I can talk for hours.
Intuition and guidance
First of all, I’m continuing to write this the day after I started it. I was going to finish it last night. But instead I went out with some friends. We listened to AMAZING music. I had a caprinha. But I also smoked a lot of shisha. In my current state of being (and obviously being a total lightweight anyway), this morning I feel a bit headachy and hazy. This is a bit of a contrast from yesterday’s enlightened state.
But it’s important that I try to be as concise as possible.
I’ve described ‘incoming traffic’ before. It’s guidance received. Sometimes its for me. Sometimes its for other people. I haven’t learned how to filter it yet, so it tends to be handed out like random pages ripped from a book. Bits of information that might not make sense.
The Clairs – I tend to be clairsentient and claircognizant. When I see images – clairvoyance – it is vivid, undeniable and fierce. I’d like to be more clairvoyant, because the messages are very concise.
Clairsentience involves receiving through feeling. Claircognizance is receiving by knowing. I’m not going to go into this further in this post, except to say that my ‘clair’s’ have grown exponentially since being in Ubud and if I reach out to you, you’re generally the subject of my latest guidance.
So….this morning I was awake at 4am. According to my ‘conscious friends’, the more enlightened you become, the less sleep you require. I acknowledge this. However, I should also note that since Scotty crossed over, he’s been annoyingly active. What started off as kind of beautiful and meaningful and practical has now turned into a big fat pain in the ass. …..he’s been waking me at 5-5.30am for the last 10 days….and it just keeps getting earlier.
A little story….While I was in Singapore, I was staying with some close friends I know from Hong Kong. I was not excited about going to Singapore, but I was excited to see them. They have a 15 month old boy. He is so cool. He appears to be an old soul – that crazy ability to stand by himself, truly at ease with his surroundings. He’s holding his own space. I’m always a bit in awe of this, particularly in children (though they have more capacity than most of us).
I took him for a swim in the pool and shared some reiki with him. He was the 3rd baby I’ve shared with. Babies are just the best, they are bundles of pure devine energy. No barriers. When you give energy, you get the same in return. Its like baby crack cocaine reiki and very addictive. He relaxed completely and I felt his body become heavy as he rested his head lightly against my shoulder. For me it was like a meditation, but with the buzz of energy. I should note that the previous day when I’d taken him into the pool, he was waaaayyyyyy active. Screaming, splashing, climbing, kicking and acting like most infants do when they’re in water. But not this time.
But the ying must balance the yang. For every positive there is a negative. We seem to have connected during that interaction. The next morning I woke just before him – at 5am. The last morning, I woke just before him at 3.42am. From the moment we stepped inside the apartment after the reiki, he looked at me sideways, he looked at me strangely, and he wouldn’t come near me.
That morning I woke at 3.42am, I went back to lie in bed and I’d received 2 messages from 2 very key people. I answered them. It resulted in 2 pretty heavy, long and in depth conversations. I also received a phone call from a close friend of ours. She’d felt a strong compulsion to call me.
It wasn’t until I got up later that I realised the significance of …well….everything. The Gypsy soul calendar entry, the nearly missing my flight, getting up at 5am every morning….it had all lead up to this. I haven’t dreamt since I left my dreamcatcher behind at my previous place. Instead he’s just waking me up! And then…nothing…annoying bastard! So now that that all makes sense, I have to figure out why I need to wake up at 4am!!! Yesterday, I realised, and today I confirmed. The reason comes back to the throat chakra. And that connection between heart and throat. That strong desire to give. I need to connect with his people, my people, our people. I need to Viber!!!!!!
Bruce, thank you. It was so good chatting to you this morning. Your concept of living in the matrix really resonated with me. To me, the concept is similar to the concept of being grounded. And you reminded me that I need to continue to ground myself. It’s no surprise to me that this message came from Bruce – he is the King of groundedness. I don’t know what world would do without people like Bruce in it.
Lizziness – I see you Lizzie, Lizzie. Thanks for your usual immaculate timing…and the inspirational pictorials for this blog. Tx for letting me share our piccies with everyone! Sending you the biggest MWAH!!! xxxx
Message that came through strongly today:
Sometimes, it’s better to be kind than right, this is one of those occasions.