WARNING readers, this is another one of those LES inducing posts. Recommend tissues, chocolate and a quiet place to read.
Yesterday I booked in to complete my Reiki 2 accreditation. That’s happening tomorrow. I was feeling wistful. I wanted to be in two places at once. I wanted to be at Strathean house fasting too. So the intention was formed – to cleanse, clear and make shiny my body – at least a 3 day fast. I might need the additional strength that fasting brings in order to deal with big town Singapore this weekend!
Today is Day 2. I’m feeling really good. Tummy is flatter, it wasn’t liking solid food. It must have been the fish and chocolate brownie I just had to have the other night. The main was cooked and it was soooo delicious. The beetroot and potato mash from Soma was like velvet and to die for. The brownie was raw and exactly filled my chocolate craving.
Today started like any other day in Ubud. I woke early. I checked my phone. I did the 5 Tibetans. I stopped into Juice Ja and ordered a wheatgrass shot and a Jamu. I added chia, bee pollen and Maca to my Jamu. I enjoyed it.
I walked to Yoga barn. I’d booked a reading a few days ago. Not sure why. I had gone there to check out yoga schedules and two things stood out to me.
1. Eckhart Tolles book ‘The power of now’
2. Jana Johnson’s card
I bought the book. And I made an appointment.
There was no reason or agenda for the appointment. As I sat on the bench outside waiting to see Jana I thought I should probably write down some questions I wanted answered or some discussion topics. But each time I went to think or write, my phone invited me into far more interesting conversations (that’s your fault Aaron!!!). So when I was sitting cross legged on the floor faced with Jana, I had no expectations of what the session would hold.
The session didn’t start like a usual session. There was no admin, no introduction to attend to. I could tell Jana was a gentle soul. We just started talking, like we’d known each other for an eternity but we were just catching up on recent events. Eventually Scott came up in the conversation. She asked if he’d died suddenly. She was getting an accident but she thought it was a car accident. We talked about how frustrated I’d felt last year that Scott wasn’t ‘contacting me’. He’s a very spiritual person and our connection is so strong. I couldn’t make sense of it.
On the last day of my retreat at Villa Boreh, I had an amazing meditation. I should precede this story but explaining that in the amazing bubble of this retreat, I’d experienced two brief connections with him. I’d been having wildly vivid dreams every night. They were complex, multi-faceted dreams that I recalled in detail and could record when I awoke. I found out 3 days later that the villa I was staying in was haunted. I’m kind of thankful for that, because I was delivered many messages and lessons and truths. The only night I didn’t dream, I’d eaten chocolate before bed, had a terrible sleep and woke in the morning with a powercord across my chest! Make of that what you will!
The first dream I had was of Scott. I won’t go into the detail in this post.
The second was before a challenging session I was about to go into. I was nervous. As I walked into the kitchen, I ‘felt’ his sadness. It’s what I’m going to call a BWH – Brush with Heaven. Have I written of this concept before? I kind of feel like I have. For the Grey’s Anatomy fans out there, there’s a scene when the spirit of Danny Ducat brushes past Izzie in the hallway. Their hands mingle together in a stolen, still, moment in time. Their soul’s acknowledge each other for the length of a heartbeat, before time continues.
This is what I experienced. …..as well as
So back to the meditation. Usually I’m pretty present, but on this day I was having a ho-hum experience. It was an angel meditation. However 3/4 of the way through there was an invitation to meet your loved ones in heaven. Immediately I was taken to a scene in the clouds. Scott (wearing his Latitude shirt and his good shorts, not his canterbury shorts). He was hugging me so tightly, crying, inconsolable. Whispering in my ear that he was sorry for leaving me alone. I was consoling him, saying it was ok. Behind him, his Uncle Peter, to his left. Right hand on his shoulder, grave look on his face. This was unusal, because Uncle Peter never looks like that. I felt his melancholy. I felt his sadness, his grief and his frustration that he couldn’t help Scott. Eveything was out of his control. Nothing could be fixed. I was shocked by the ferocity of the image, and felt my heart breaking just a little more. My man was broken. He didn’t want to leave me and I interpreted this as he was stuck and unable to cross. He was still coming to terms with the suddenness of his departure and couldn’t reconcile this.
The meditation lasted another 15 minutes and I thought I had my shit together. But I couldn’t shake the heavy feel of my heart and the cloud of sadness. I felt like someone had punched me in the chest because it hurt..not physically, but like there was a huge weight and I was drowning in the feeling of it. I couldn’t stop crying for half an hour. I had to excuse myself…(I did have nose drippage down my face..so it was required).
There’s other stuff, but I’m going to revert back to my session today.
Jana thought the message of him being stuck was misinterpreted. I’d correctly felt that he didn’t want to leave and applied my own definition of why. This is what she said – “He doesn’t want to leave you because he doesn’t realise what this means. He’s scared to leave you alone. Yes. But he doesn’t want to leave your side because he’s scared you’re going to move into another relationship and fall in love. He thinks you’ll forget him, that the love you shared will be dissipated. LES! He doesn’t realise that by moving into the light, all of those feelings will go, only love will remain”
We prayed. The intention? To help move him. To talk to him and allow him to believe that greater things awaited him. I was in a place of turmoil at this stage. The weight on my chest was back. …..focus on breathing, focus on breathing….
We went through a process. I said all I needed to say. Jana guided. Finally I received an image. One that I’ve received before. Me and bummer, in the clouds, having a 30 second dance party. Weight on chest gone.
Jana felt him revisit the crash site. Go through the motion of what happened and felt the flames of the bike burning. Its helpful for me to add that I hadn’t given her the detail of his bike being on fire. Then she felt a whoosh as him/his soul was sucked up into a vortex. Does this mean he’s crossed? I don’t know. Time will tell.
All I know is that this day has surprised me. In a way that only Bali can, healing has occurred. Unexpectedly. And I’m grateful. I’m putting it out there.
A little prayer :
Bummer, I love you like no other.
I miss you like no other.
But I need you to help guide me, and you can’t do that here.
Please join Uncle Peter in Heaven’s pub.
He needs you too.
Love from your Poni (whose now grown into a unicorn) xxx
And so it is