Little lessons inspired by everyone
– A disturbance of motion, course, arrangement or state of equilibrium.
– A disturbance of the regular and usually elliptical course of motion of a celestial body that is produced by some force
additional to that which causes its regular motion.
Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like & celebrating it for everything it is
– To prove that something is based on truth or fact or is acceptable. It requires the support or action from someone else to make it valid.
SLES (Spontaneous Leaky Eye Syndrome)
– Not to be confused with LES, SLES is sudden, uncontrollable, accompanied by a confused/frustrating feeling of ‘where the fuck did that come from?’
WP (Widow/Widowers Privilege)
– The Widow/Widower can do, say or act however the fuck they want and get away with it. The recipient will listen, comply, nod tactfully or agree unless they’re a complete asshole. WP extends for a minimum of one year from the date of loss of a loved one. Time will vary on whether the Widow/Widower is a tosser.
Definition: Being in Love
– Your partner wants to be happy. They love and respect themselves. They are open and ready to receive love. They want you to be happy. They want to give you pleasure.
– You are happy. You love and respect yourself. You are open and ready to receive love. You want your partner to be happy. You want to give them pleasure.
We are all a little weird and Lifes a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it Love – dr seuss
This blog took me 6 hours to write. It was painful. Not emotionally painful. Pulling hair out painful. My tab kept closing my word doc. Everytime I lost 2 paragraphs. I wondered why this was happening, why it was so difficult just to get a few words recorded…I asked myself this question as I was about to give up and received a very clear answer – stop trying to control everything. Life is a constant perturbation. Shit happens – suffering is optional (Tx Michael!)
Was ever grief like mine?
On the 23rd of September I was walking along the lake edge between Pukawa and Kuratau. 10 months to the day had passed since Scotty’s death. I had woken early, acknowledged this fact and had just emerged from the bush feeling like a bad widow because today I felt good. Why wasn’t I in the depths of despair? As this thought unfurled from my consciousness, a fantail swooped in from the lake divebombing my legs, frantically, playfully, circling my body.
Instant SLES. Indescribable change of energy, undeniable, unexplainable. I stood still, tears streaming, feeling the dark emptiness of loss. The fantail disappeared to the safety of a branch in a nearby tree before returning to circle my legs once again then flew back over the lake. I attempted to process. I failed. I willed the fantail to fly back. I sent a silent confirmation request to the powers that be – If it flew back again it must be Scotty. I waited. Nothing. Disappointment. More LES. I walked again. As I took one heavy, reluctant step forward the fantail swooped in again from the lake, erratically circling my legs again. I burst into sudden, hysterical laughter/SLES and exclaimed out loud, ‘Is that you Scotty?’ In answer he flew around my legs and out over the lake again. I stood. I waited. I took a step forward – back he swooped in a frenzied state of “look at me!” ….see how I cartwheel and loop de loop?? I jumped up and down, clapping my hands, crying, laughing and talking to the fantail……until I noticed the deckful of curious bystanders in the very nearby bach…….
The fantail followed me all the way down the grass courseway in the same manner. After it left, fantails joined me all the way to the river then all the way back to the start of the bush, swooping across my path to get my attention, then performing crazy acrobatics, sitting on branches, doing somersaults, then eyeing me from a branch, waiting for my acknowledgement.
Its just so unfair – why couldn’t it have been someone else?
‘We loved how you (Scotty) wore your heart on your sleeve and treated Kirsty like a queen’. (My amazing friend Ma)
‘I was always jealous of your relationship…its what I want’
I arrogantly class our relationship as superior to all others, even today. Why? Its ever so simple. We liked each other. We wanted to be around each other all the time, even when we were independently seeking fun. We talked to each other 10-20 times daily, most days. We spoiled each other and sought exciting spontaneous things to do together. We were bonded together through hardship, the abandonment of friends. We sought comfort from each other when things went pear-shaped.
But what was it that created the strongest link between us that has survived beyond death? Scott would say to me time and time again, ‘Poni, I only want to make you happy. I don’t ever want to leave you alone. I’d do anything to make you happy’
Some of this you may not understand, but I guarantee you, if anyone was to replicate the love that Scotty surrounded me with, your relationship would not falter.
The magic of Bali….
I left the protective bubble of my retreat. I felt lonely…as Scotty would say..the lonely birds are calling…I allowed myself to surrender and really feel it. As I walked down the street I saw a sign for pedicures. I decided to treat myself. It turns out that a wedding is taking place. I was met at the entrance by Made the photographer. He insisted I should join them. My protests were met with an indignant glance and I was duly pulled in, seated, given snacks. The bride and groom came over to welcome me. They were very appreciative that I’d stopped by. Made told me his life story. I was invited to stay for the wedding dinner. On Friday I’m stopping into Mades shop to see his hand crafted woodwork. Hes bringing mangos from his village (because shhh! they’re soo expensive from the market!!).
As I sat in the wedding I was musing on how cool this was, that I must get pictures. I wondered what perspective I would write about it from in my blog. I strategised when would be a good time to get a picture and then leave politely. I stopped. What was wrong with me? I’d been miserably trudging down the road when these amazing people had rescued me. I wasn’t appreciating this moment. When did life become one big fat desire for validation? In that moment I realised the true power and magic of connection. If you have inner peace, validation is not required.
While Widowers Privilege may appear to be a fringe benefit, its a massive pain in the arse. While I’m running around trying to make soul connections, everyone else is busy trying to rescue me. I have to admit that I practically invented the rescuing concept, I’m so adept at it. But no more!
This is what I know:
I don’t need sympathy.
I don’t need rescuing.
I don’t need people to fix me.
I don’t need people to agree to everything I say.
I don’t need people to be strong for me.
I don’t need people to treat me differently
I don’t need people to protect me
We can all do ourselves a favour. Take a look in the mirror. Find your truth.
As I said to a friend this week. I miss him. But I don’t miss him 24/7 anymore. When I do miss him its like a Mac truck smashing into me. But its not stopping me from opening the door and walking outside anymore.
They work like magic. My lovely friend Simone, who always seems to pop up in my blogs, has a fabulous affirmations blackboard. I love it! And amazing Ma has a book full of affirmations that have successfully cured ailments like infections. Write your affirmations everywhere. Attach them to daily tasks and exercise. Live them, breathe them, feel them come alive. The only requirement is an open heart! Trust the process.
My current affirmations:
“I stand on my own two feet and take full responsibility for my life”
“My life is a retreat”
I’d like to thank my good friend Michael for his guidance. This blog is inspired from many of his teachings (not the swearing!).