Validation, Perturbation, SLES, WP & being in love

Little lessons inspired by everyone

– A disturbance of motion, course, arrangement or state of equilibrium.
– A disturbance of the regular and usually elliptical course of motion of a celestial body that is produced by some force
additional to that which causes its regular motion.

Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like & celebrating it for everything it is

– To prove that something is based on truth or fact or is acceptable. It requires the support or action from someone else to make it valid.

SLES (Spontaneous Leaky Eye Syndrome)
– Not to be confused with LES, SLES is sudden, uncontrollable, accompanied by a confused/frustrating feeling of ‘where the fuck did that come from?’

WP (Widow/Widowers Privilege)
– The Widow/Widower can do, say or act however the fuck they want and get away with it. The recipient will listen, comply, nod tactfully or agree unless they’re a complete asshole.  WP extends for a minimum of one year from the date of loss of a loved one.  Time will vary on whether the Widow/Widower is a tosser.

Definition: Being in Love
– Your partner wants to be happy.  They love and respect themselves.  They are open and ready to receive love.  They want you to be happy.  They want to give you pleasure.
– You are happy.  You love and respect yourself.  You are open and ready to receive love.  You want your partner to be happy. You want to give them pleasure.

We are all a little weird and Lifes a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours,  we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it Love – dr seuss

This blog took me 6 hours to write.  It was painful.  Not emotionally painful.  Pulling hair out painful.  My tab kept closing my word doc.  Everytime I lost 2 paragraphs.  I wondered why this was happening, why it was so difficult just to get a few words recorded…I asked myself this question as I was about to give up and received a very clear answer – stop trying to control everything.  Life is a constant perturbation.  Shit happens – suffering is optional (Tx Michael!)

Was ever  grief like mine?
On the 23rd of September I was walking along the lake edge between Pukawa and Kuratau.  10 months to the day had passed since Scotty’s death.  I had woken early, acknowledged this fact and had just emerged from the bush feeling like a bad widow because today I felt good.  Why wasn’t I in the depths of despair?  As this thought unfurled from my consciousness,  a fantail swooped in from the lake divebombing my legs, frantically,  playfully, circling my body.

Instant SLES.  Indescribable change of energy, undeniable, unexplainable. I stood still, tears streaming, feeling the dark emptiness of loss.  The fantail disappeared to the safety of a branch in a nearby tree before returning to circle my legs once again then flew back over the lake.  I attempted to process. I failed.  I willed the fantail to fly back.  I sent a silent confirmation request to the powers that be – If it flew back again it must be Scotty.  I waited.  Nothing.  Disappointment. More LES.  I walked again.  As I took one heavy, reluctant step forward the fantail swooped in again from the lake,  erratically circling my legs again.  I burst into sudden, hysterical laughter/SLES and exclaimed out loud, ‘Is that you Scotty?’  In answer he flew around my legs and out over the lake again.  I stood. I waited.  I took a step forward – back he swooped in a frenzied state of “look at me!” ….see how I cartwheel and loop de loop?? I jumped up and down,  clapping my hands, crying, laughing and talking to the fantail……until I noticed the deckful of curious bystanders in the very nearby bach…….

The fantail followed me all the way down the grass courseway in the same manner.  After it left, fantails joined me all the way to the river then all the way back to the start of the bush, swooping across  my path to get my attention, then performing crazy acrobatics,  sitting on branches,  doing somersaults, then eyeing me from a branch, waiting for my acknowledgement.


Its just so unfair – why couldn’t it have been someone else?

‘We loved how you (Scotty) wore your heart on your sleeve and treated Kirsty like a queen’.  (My amazing friend Ma)

‘I was always jealous of your relationship…its what I want’

I arrogantly class our relationship as superior to all others, even today.  Why?  Its ever so simple.  We liked each other. We wanted to be around each other all the time, even when we were independently seeking fun.  We talked to each other 10-20 times daily, most days.  We spoiled each other and sought exciting spontaneous things to do together.  We were bonded together through hardship, the abandonment of friends.  We sought comfort from each other when things went pear-shaped.

But what was it that created the strongest link between us that has survived beyond death?  Scott would say to me time and time again, ‘Poni, I only want to make you happy.  I don’t ever want to leave you alone.  I’d do anything to make you happy’

Some of this you may not understand, but I guarantee you, if anyone was to replicate the love that Scotty surrounded me with, your relationship would not falter.

The magic of Bali….
I left the protective bubble of my retreat.  I felt lonely…as Scotty would say..the lonely birds are calling…I allowed myself to surrender and really feel it.  As I walked down the street I saw a sign for pedicures. I decided to treat myself.  It turns out that a wedding is taking place.  I was met at the entrance by Made the photographer.  He insisted I should join them.  My protests were met with an indignant glance and I was duly pulled in, seated, given snacks. The bride and groom came over to welcome me.  They were very appreciative that I’d stopped by.  Made told me his life story.  I was invited to stay for the wedding dinner.  On Friday I’m stopping into Mades shop to see his hand crafted woodwork.  Hes bringing mangos from his village (because shhh! they’re soo expensive from the market!!).

As I sat in the wedding I was musing on how cool this was, that I must get pictures.  I wondered what perspective  I would write about it from in my blog.  I strategised when would be a good time to get a picture and then leave politely.  I stopped.  What was wrong with me?  I’d been miserably trudging down the road when these amazing people had rescued me.  I wasn’t appreciating this moment.  When did life become one big fat desire for validation?  In that moment I realised the true power and magic of connection.  If you have inner peace, validation is not required.

While Widowers Privilege may appear to be a fringe benefit, its a massive pain in the arse.  While I’m running around trying to make soul connections, everyone else is busy trying to rescue me.  I have to admit that I practically invented the rescuing concept, I’m so adept at it.  But no more!

This is what I know:

I don’t need sympathy.
I don’t need rescuing.
I don’t need people to fix me.
I don’t need people to agree to everything I say.
I don’t need people to be strong for me.
I don’t need people to treat me differently
I don’t need people to protect me

We can all do ourselves a favour.  Take a look in the mirror.  Find your truth.

As I said to a friend this week. I miss him. But I don’t miss him 24/7 anymore. When I do miss him its like a Mac truck smashing into me.  But its not stopping me from opening the door and walking outside anymore.

Positive Affirmations
They work like magic.  My lovely friend Simone, who always seems to pop up in my blogs, has a fabulous affirmations blackboard. I love it!  And amazing Ma has a book full of affirmations that have successfully cured ailments like infections.  Write your affirmations everywhere.  Attach them to daily tasks and exercise. Live them, breathe them, feel them come alive.  The only requirement is an open heart!  Trust the process.

My current affirmations:
“I stand on my own two feet and take full responsibility for my life”
“My life is a retreat”

I’d like to thank my good friend Michael for his guidance.   This blog is inspired from many of his teachings (not the swearing!).



  1. Mike · October 15, 2014

    I can just see those fantails in Scotty’s favourite part of the world – thanks Poni – I felt him close for a minute there. Funny thing this morning – went to the toilet and was faced with a choice – read my book about Morten Storm (google that dude!) or read my book about work stuff (Good to Great Companies). I chose the later, more boring option – to be surprised by what I read….a guy called Stockdale (Admiral) who survived the “Hanoi Hilton” in the Vietnam war, being interviewed by the author was asked “who didn’t make it?” His answer – “the optimists who kept thinking this Xmas they would be freed – they died of broken hearts”. He dealt with the brutal reality but never lost faith he would survive the ordeal his life would eventually be better for it.” So a good choice of read and a good kick in the arse for Mikey. I always remember Scotty telling me when Dad was dying – “you’ll be surprised how resilient people are bro”. PS – all men read in the toilet – especially those with 3 kids! In fact I might move my whole damn book shelf in there – Scotty would! 🙂 Enjoy the day out there Poni xxx


  2. Mony · October 16, 2014

    That has just given me warm fuzzies Kirs……I love the constant reminder to be in the moment as I can relate to the wedding and the thought process of whom I wish to share and tell…its my chitter chatter….very distracting and a constant battle…but I acknowledge it…. that’s half the battle eh well some of it!? Big sigh I feel challenged, I feel blessed, I feel sorry for myself and Robbie….I know we are much much bigger than what is presented at the moment and I feel I want to get on a plane and join you in Bali. Loneliness…ummm we all feel it but most of us squish it down and bury it cause we measure our success by the stuff we have and the amount of people we have in our lives, and the things we see and do. I have often thought who am I, if I strip away my hair my face my body my house my job my husband my kids…….. I’m left with my spirit and I forget to nourish it many many times. Loneliness is something to embrace as we grow when we feel uncomfortable if we just stop like you say Kirs and feel it, its empowering. One thing that pops in my mind Kirs is how I relied at times on your guys energy to charge my own….is that bad I ask myself ummm I don’t think so but can’t help but feel perhaps lazy at times…..we are part of and something bigger

    Liked by 2 people

    • Kirsty Healey · October 16, 2014

      Oh lordy I love how your brain works! !! Pls come to bali. .!! Your comment on spirit brings to mind something I saw the other day – we aren’t human beings trying to find our spirit, its the other way around. We are spiritual beings trying our best to fit into the limited dimensions of an earth bound body. The energy thing. . Such a great discussion point and one I actually know the answer to. Energy is limitless. When we share it it doesn’t diminish the energy. .it doesn’t take from one to give to the other. Its infinite. With reiki you are sharing energy. You are both receiving. But it maybe that you’re talking about vibration which is different altogether. Raising your vibration is totally personal and independent. When you have a high vibration however, you always have more energy. People can push and pull your vibration if you allow them to. Which you shouldn’t of course and that all comes back full circle to being present, reaching inner peace etc. Love that we’re having this conversation xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Mike · October 16, 2014

    Hey Mony – can’t wait to see you and Rob in Dec – I’ll bring up a book called “Akidio and the harmony of nature” – you girls will love it. xxx Tell Rob I’ll be bring the fishing gear I promised (better late than never). Love Mike xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. mariaadlam · October 16, 2014

    So anyway…Maia’s favourite book at the moment is one that has a cheeky little piwakawaka (fantail) hiding on each page. She loves trying to find it, and even though I have read it a thousand times, I still have a little chuckle at the mischievous look this cheeky wee bird has! So needless to say I find it very apt that Scotty would choose to come and visit you as a fantail. 🙂
    Maybe you should set up your own Bali retreat next year?? You’ll have loads of souls that you can…rescue…or should I say guide in rescuing themselves!! I’m there!! 😉
    Love the blogs, very inspirational


    • Kirsty Healey · October 17, 2014

      Feeling chills running up and down my body as I read yur comment. Actually Michael will b running the retreat again in 2015.. how cool wud it b for u and I to go and mon of course but anyone else that is keen too! Wud love to make it happen! xxxx


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s