We can’t anticipate the grief process and what comes next. Once again, I sat down to write, on a completely different topic, but my mind diverted me to what is true for me today, what I need to express today.
I often muse that a lot of people, myself included, who have experienced a trauma, if they survive, quite often are reawakened to a sense of purpose, a desire to change, an enlightenment and a need to simplify and learn their truth. In fact, that is how we should have been living in the first place, but somehow along the way, life has gotten in the way and we’ve forgotten how to look after our bodies and our minds. In fact, the universe has been sending you signs all along, telling you that you’re not on your path. When we don’t listen, the shit hits the fan.
If you are not at peace, then you are not on your path
I’ve learned this the hard way, but I’ve also come to an important realisation – Everything is for a reason, nothing is by accident. The only true way to navigate life is to listen to your intuition. The universe will tell you when you’re off course….just follow the breadcrumbs..
I constantly muse around ‘Free Will’ versus ‘Everything happening for a reason, nothing by accident’. The universe is intelligent. As a network of living creatures, we are intelligent. Whether you choose to believe it or not, we are connected – either unconsciously, or consciously (if you wish).
Scott (my husband) was an excellent motorbike rider. He took risks, he rode fast, without fear, completely in the present. I’ve never felt unsafe riding with him. I trusted him and his ability implicitly. So did his friends. His life was a history of risk – Airforce pilot, Rugby and Cricket Rep, Foreign Exchange Trader. He had lots of accidents, head injuries, knee injuries, car and bike accidents. He made lots of mistakes, but he didn’t die…until the 23 November 2013.
Was this woven into the fabric of the universe? Did he have a higher power calling him home? Or was it just an accident. If, like me, you adhere to the theory that everything is for a reason, nothing by accident, it either follows that the Universe was calling him home, or it was his own free will – he decided.
Scott didn’t enjoy his job in Hong Kong, for whatever reason. We always had very open discussions around death and dying. When he was most miserable he’d tell me that his soul was dying. He had a desperate desire to come home to NZ. Anyone who knows us, knows that the last 6 years have been financially unstable, stressful. So, we give away our beautiful dogs and leave for Hong Kong. Two and a half years later, Scott gets made redundant. 7 months after we’ve settled back into NZ, Scott is dead.
The most unfair part of this journey, is that, he was finally home, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and then, some asshole in heaven decided it was his time. Or did they? If you knew Scott, like me, you’d understand that a part of his Soul did die, it died awhile ago under the burden of life.
Life happens. It happens for a reason.
The universe has a funny way of ensuring that balance ensues. The body also has this ability – you just haven’t been listening to the signs. When the Yin doesn’t equal the Yang, your lifeforce is challenged.
After Scott passed, my world fell apart. My friend, Simone, describes it as being in a washing machine. When I finally went back to work, I started experiencing strong, desperate desires to get back in my car and just drive – anywhere – as long as I wasn’t at work. I finally answered that call in June this year and its the best decision I’ve made. (more on that later)
I realise that Scott’s death was an event that has catapulted me into the life that is my true and authentic self. For that I am grateful. I wish with all of my heart, that he was still here with me. But also, I wish that I had not been stupid and made bad decisions.
I wanted to add in a handy tool for uncovering that pesky true self…
This technique was recommended to me by my friend Jehanne Thomas of http://www.lovingvoice.com
It involves 3 pages of stream of consciousness journelling and is pretty powerful stuff. I recommend making this a regular practice.