30 second dance party + Boozin Bitches

When we say things like ‘people don’t change’, it drives scientists crazy.   Because change is literally the only constant in all of science.   Energy,  matter, its always changing,  morphing,  growing, dying.   It’s the way people try not to change that’s unnatural.   The way we cling to what things were instead of forming new ones.  The way we insist on believing,  despite every scientific indication, that everything in this lifetime is permanent.  Change is constant.   How we experience change, that’s up to us.   It can feel like death,  or it can feel like a second chance at life.   If we open our fingers,  loosen our grips, go with it,  it can feel like pure adrenaline.   Like at any moment,  we can have another chance at life.  Like at any moment,  we can be born all over again – Grey’s Anatomy

If you don’t realise it already,  I can advise you that I’m a huge Grey’s Anatomy fan. I could easily sit down and watch 6 episodes without blinking.   I’m naturally attracted to anything medical.   I love gory stuff and try to remember all the terminology.  (….For future reference….  You know, for when I have to perform an emergency thoracotomy in the field..).  I kind of thrive in stressful and traumatic/disaster situations.  My compulsive attraction to Grey’s Anatomy has been formed by my devout appreciation for the relationship between Meredith and Cristina.  They have a number of poignant moments in the series that I want to replicate in my own relationships.  I want their closeness.

You are my person
There’s no doubt that to be someone’s person there exists a mutual respect for each other.   For each others skill and mind.  But you can’t have this bond without the acknowledgement of souls.   Sometimes I have the feeling with people that our souls have been talking to each other preceding our physical meeting.  This will happen also if you’ve shared past lives.   I’ve also experienced this!  I haven’t read this anywhere – it doesn’t come to me through anything I’ve read.  I’ve only experienced it.

I know it all sounds fluffy duck.  I usually reread my posts about 10 times…..Because I forget what I’ve written.   Because these posts write themselves. .I only stop to edit and ensure that it kind of flows once its finished.  When I’m in a space that is very ego driven,  sometimes I cringe with what people are going to think.   That doesn’t last very long.  But in that moment,  I wonder where the hell does all this come from?  That doesn’t last long either.   I’ll just be grateful.

Meredith and Cristina acknowledge that ‘You are my person’.  Their people (friends/colleagues) refer to them as the twisted sisters.   Their people also acknowledge that they (Cristina & Meredith) are each others ‘person’.  Your person is defined as that person you can count on, that will without question, silently help you out of one of those predicaments…What’s that movie – ‘I know what you did last summer’… they’re the ones that will help you dispose of the body… so to speak! (.. and its a metaphor people.!!.I’m not advocating hit n runs)

‘If I murdered someone.  She’s the person I’d call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor – She’s my person’ – Cristina

They live in a perilous bubble.   Surgery is their ‘happy place’.  The place where they feel alive. They don’t seem to be able to carry this reverence through to their personal lives.  Their personal lives are dark,  challenging and complicated.  (They’re twisted sisters  after all!)They are brilliant when ego is engaged, when they feel validated. It’s the lack of personal empowerment felt by both of them that leads them to seek answers from each other.   This might be the wrong way to seek enlightenment but nevertheless,  a bond is formed.   I’m not going to go into etheric cords here – I’ll park it for another post.  Suffice to say they’re not healthy!

I seek what they have with every one of my relationships.   But generally speaking you don’t have a connection like this with everyone.  As referred to in my soul mates description guide,  there are many levels, and levels within levels.

30 second dance party

‘Dance or you’re fired’ – Meredith

Despite being twisted sisters, M & C introduced the concept of a 30 second dance party to me.   Take time out from everything and CELEBRATE!….By yourself..or….with anyone you want to celebrate with. As my friend Jehanne puts it, no one can remain angry with you if you respond to their emotion with an interpretive dance move!!

I have many other favorite GA characters as well, Miranda Bailey for example.   ..but I mainly idolise Cristina. ….

‘Oh screw beautiful. I’m brilliant. You wanna appease me? Compliment my brain’

‘Have some fire.  Be unstoppable.  Be a force of nature.  Be better than anyone here and don’t give a damn what anyone thinks’

‘If you want crappy things to stop happening to you, then stop accepting crap and demand something more.  Being aware of your crap and actually overcoming your crap are two very different things’

‘So do you like being the big spoon or the little spoon’

Cristina – I’m not a spoon.  I’m a knife.  And I’m going to stab you in the eyeballs’

– Cristina

 

…..but I’d love to have a Miranda in my life. But Callie is a strong character that we can all learn from. She dances literally to her own tune.. and in her underwear, by herself with the tunes cranked. Anyone that can get into that space is someone I want to know! !

I can’t go. We have to dance it out. That’s how we finish’ – Cristina

Boozin Bitches and MIT

‘We’re adults.  When did that happen?  And how do we stop it?’ – Meredith

In Hong Kong I rediscovered myself.   I had time to look after my body.  I formed strong relationships.   Strong relationships are formed quickly when you travel and this is one of the attractions for me.  I was reminded of this when one of our group contacted me yesterday (Miss Biggsy). We shared a moment or 10.   I’m forever describing the concept of a MIT  – Moment in Time to people.

Definition : Moment in Time
A piece of time that happens that is outrageous.   You know you’ll never experience it again, despite knowing there’ll be other MIT’s, this one is unique.

Define : Boozin Bitches
The name of a group of young beautiful smart female expats residing in Hong Kong between 2012-2014. They share common interests.  The magic when they meet is far greater than the sum of their individual greatness.

It’s ironic that I was part of a group called Boozin Bitches… ok maybe the bitch part sometimes applied,  but anyone who knows me well knows I don’t drink a lot!!  I miss my boozers so much.  But Hong Kong was a MIT.   I couldn’t go back and replicate that magic.   I tend to grieve MIT’s.  But I think this is the right thing to do.   To attempt  to re-do a MIT usually ends in failure or disaster.

Community
This brings me to my next point.   My word up until yesterday was community.  I’m looking for accommodation.   The requirements are in order of priority:
1. Community
2. Like minded people
3. Energy

Of course price comes into it.. but at the bottom of the list.   Its really important for me to have a community  for my own personal fulfillment. I like to be surrounded or immersed in a community – casual brushes with my people without the awkward date-making that usually accompanies getting to know someone.

My word was community until yesterday because. ..I’ve found the perfect place! And I’ll move in next Monday, everything being equal! Btw.. my word today is ‘do’

My person
Ma – double whammy for you my friend!  Two posts in a row.
Ma is my person.   She always has been.  We ‘get’ each other without the requirement for words. We have history.  Our conversations are long, complex and probably uninteresting to others. . They venture into the early hours.   We are there for each other.  We share similar everything. . ideologies, food, values.   We are Soul Companions.  I would do anything for her and she for me.

I dare you to have fun!
This morning I jumped up. . At 5am.. full of beans. ..Instead of just listening to Spotify, I had my own 30 second dance and singing badly party. .Which was more like a 10 minute dance and singing badly and laughing party. .

I invite you all to crank up the sounds, and get on down to your own 30 second dance party. Celebrate this moment in time. Celebrate you!!! Best performed in your underwear!

Thanks for the inspiration for this post Omari and Chris. .. On your instructions, Omari, I had the BBE – Best Brownie Eva.. At Clear cafe….all vegan with Coconut icecream..it was AMAZEBALLS!!

image

Devine Order and Angels

In my post ‘Life happens. It happens for a reason’, I pondered on the concept of Free Will v Devine order.  I had labelled Devine order previously as ‘everything happening for a reason,  nothing by accident’.  I ‘knew’ my concept but I didn’t have a name for it yet.

Let me sidetrack and go into this a little deeper for a minute.  Several times people have asked me questions of a spiritual nature in the past and I’ve reeled off ‘stuff’ – information…I don’t know where it comes from but I describe it as centuries of knowledge that I feel is written in my DNA.  It feels like its at cellular level.. This does and doesn’t make sense.   My brain defines cellular level – the ego needs to order the theory to make itself feel better. . An acknowledgement that this is the learning of several past lives is just too much of a concept for my unexercised banker brain to process so it puts it in the too hard basket.

Now back to Devine Order.

What is devine order?   Is it real?

Soul contracts and life purpose
Every lifetime before we’re incarnated,  our souls are given a contract or blueprint for our lifeplan, if you will.  We in fact, choose our lives as infants from a Soul context.   As a human we are blissfully unaware of these choices.  However the concept is encaptulated in several concepts I’ve talked about previously.   One of them is Karma – what goes around comes around.  You thought that it meant in your lifetime right?  No.  Actually it means ALL of your lives,  past and present.   Unfinished business and lessons still needing to be learned all contribute to Karma.  There’s more….

Let me set the scene with a little story…

I forgot to add some important information taken from my reading on Monday with Jana.   From her understanding and teaching,  according to our souls contract, we are all given several exit points’.  Yes, I’m talking about dying.  My soul had a contract with Scott and him with me – predestined.  He was on earth to learn certain lessons.   I’m on earth to learn certain lessons. Once he’d learned them,  and fulfilled his contract, there was no requirement for him to remain…or in some souls cases,  the nearest exit is taken for the human form and the lesson is carried forward into another life as unfinished business.

I noted in my blog that my feeling is that Scotty ‘chose’ to exit – it was a predestined exit point that was close.   The part of him that hasn’t  come to terms with his soul contract, is swirling around in that place between heaven and earth.  He doesn’t realise the peace and understanding that will be received by crossing.  It’s important to differentiate between Scotty’s ego and his Soul to really get to grips with this concept.  We all know that he would never leave me on purpose.  He loved his Poni and he was never shy to tell the world.

I need to note to everyone that Scotty was my world.  He was my cheerleading squad.  He was my biggest fan.  He allowed everyone to see my light when it was barely shining.  It’s hard to come to terms with losing that knowing it won’t be found again.

I took a moment here in my writing.  I paused as my chest tightened
I took a moment and looked into it.  I was feeling sorry for myself, sigh…because….big breath…I ‘know’ that he was my soul twin.  The only one.   There will be Soul connections, but none as profound as him.   So…LES… this is the truth that I have to work through every day.

My feeling hasn’t changed.  My feeling is that his sacrifice was for me.  My feeling is that his death was a lesson for me.  My feeling is that his death has made me a better person.   This is no surprise.   In my eulogy I promised him that my life going forward would be inspired by what I learned from him – his spontaneity, his passion for life,  his amazing network of friends who thought of him as their best friend, his carefree,  loving nature, big heart, generosity and his integrity.

I’m missing a key component in my healing process at the moment – communication (yes, with him)!  See the last paragraph of this blog!

Your path
Sorry I got completely sidetracked there and went off on a tangent. ..Do you ever have a day where everything goes wrong?  In fact you have that sense that what you’re doing is not fulfilling some deep requirement – you don’t feel satisfied?   For some people this is a feeling they have all their lives.   Simply – you are not on your path.   An easy way to identify your path is when you’re faced with options. The correct option will always give you a feeling of excitement, of delightful opportunities and fun!!!  A good way to practice this is to think about various aspects in your life and feel how your body responds.   Ma, for example,  feels butterflies in her tummy.  I get a similar feeling in my tummy accompanied by intense energy and excitement – like I’m going to explode.

I can’t remember exactly why I needed to talk about your path. .oh yes!! Devine order… you’ll never feel the sense of rightness until your correct path is followed,  your Devine order filled.. The universe will always send you signs.  Some are small.   Some are big.  All you have to do is listen.

Angels
Yesterday someone called me an earth angel (ah Jacqueline, it takes one to know one! ).  I know other earth Angels too.  My fabulous friend Ma is one of them.   I want to make this call out to her.   She is one of the most gentle loving people I know.   We’ve always been Soul Companions, slipping in and out of each others lives gracefully,  each of our paths and intuition crazily aligned despite many years of living in different countries with different life paths.   Ma has a daughter.   Her name is Maia.  Maia has severe ecezma and has had it pretty much from birth.  My soul and Ma’s have been talking to each other a lot lately.   Since being in Bali I’ve been receiving messages for her constantly.   She’s in my brain constantly.   I ‘know’ how she’ll feel about something before I ask.  Last night I needed to run an idea past her,  but it was a courtesy. .I already knew the answer.   I’ve added a link to her blog,  the ecezema diaries below.   If you know of anyone who has infants struggling with this chronic condition,  her blog is insightful,  funny and a warm chronicle into her life with many tidbits of information and lessons that may provide beneficial shortcuts to readers on a similar journey.

Earlier in the year, I needed assistance healing.  My body wasn’t responding to the usual exercise and healthy eating that I’d practiced over the years. I incorrectly thought it was my physical health that was compromised.  Everybody else knew it was the other one – emotional health!!! (Thanks for telling me – grrrr!!!) – The emotional stuff is much harder to deal with – for me anyway!

As a newbie to the world of angels, I started incorporating Archangel Michael into my reiki prayer.  I was pondering one afternoon that for the past week I’d felt amazing pizazz!!!  Really confident, strong mind, strength of purpose.  It wasn’t until a a conversation with Ma  that I realised I’d been inadvertently praying to the wrong angel.

Archangel Michael lends you support, courage, and confidence. He’ll boost your resolve to make healthy changes, as well as guide you to new opportunities and help you heal from past experiences.

Raphael is the angel of healing.   Doh!! So green…

So now I pray to 3 :
Michael for strength and courage
Raphael for healing – mind and body
Raziel for guidance and intuition

As Michael (my friend from Pure Wellbeing) would say,  Confidence and Competence. It’s hard to get anywhere without both!

Its no coincidence to me that Michael and the Saint Archangel Michael share the same name.  His life’s passion is to support and inspire people to have courage to face and conquer their fears,  those ones that have manifested themselves as physical ailments.  He is also the BME – Best Masseuse Ever!

Michael, I think it’s time that my readers received some of your wisdom.  I’d love to have your comments on this post!

I’ll finish this blog by saying that Scott has been in contact with my medium.  She emailed me yesterday to tell me he called through.  He was wild.   He woke her up with several messages for me.  I’ll have these tonight and look forward to sharing these with you.

References:

1.The ecezma diaries
http://mariaadlam.wordpress.com

2. http://goldenageofgaia.com/spiritual-essays/contracts-reviews-and-judgments/understanding-soul-contracts-–-part-1-2/

3.  Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Inspiration/Angels/2008/12/8-Ways-to-Recognize-Archangel-Michael.aspx#rmcf3lpYg4Z5IbHl.99

Crossing over

WARNING readers, this is another one of those LES inducing posts.  Recommend tissues, chocolate and a quiet place to read.

Yesterday I booked in to complete my Reiki 2 accreditation.  That’s happening tomorrow.  I was feeling wistful.  I wanted to be in two places at once.  I wanted to be at Strathean house fasting too.  So the intention was formed – to cleanse, clear and make shiny my body – at least a 3 day fast.  I might need the additional strength that fasting brings in order to deal with big town Singapore this weekend!

Today is Day 2.  I’m feeling really good. Tummy is flatter, it wasn’t liking solid food.  It must have been the fish and chocolate brownie I just had to have the other night.  The main was cooked and it was soooo delicious.  The beetroot and potato mash from Soma was like velvet and to die for.  The brownie was raw and exactly filled my chocolate craving.

Today started like any other day in Ubud.  I woke early.  I checked my phone.  I did the 5 Tibetans.  I stopped into Juice Ja and ordered a wheatgrass shot and a Jamu.  I added chia, bee pollen and Maca to my Jamu.  I enjoyed it.

I walked to Yoga barn.  I’d booked a reading a few days ago.  Not sure why.  I had gone there to check out yoga schedules and two things stood out to me.
1. Eckhart Tolles book ‘The power of now’
2. Jana Johnson’s card

I bought the book.  And I made an appointment.

There was no reason or agenda for the appointment.  As I sat on the bench outside waiting to see Jana I thought I should probably write down some questions I wanted answered or some discussion topics.  But each time I went to think or write, my phone invited me into far more interesting conversations (that’s your fault Aaron!!!).  So when I was sitting cross legged on the floor faced with Jana, I had no expectations of what the session would hold.

The session didn’t start like a usual session.  There was no admin, no introduction to attend to.  I could tell Jana was a gentle soul.  We just started talking, like we’d known each other for an eternity but we were just catching up on recent events.  Eventually Scott came up in the conversation.  She asked if he’d died suddenly.  She was getting an accident but she thought it was a car accident.  We talked about how frustrated I’d felt last year that Scott wasn’t ‘contacting me’.  He’s a very spiritual person and our connection is so strong.  I couldn’t make sense of it.

On the last day of my retreat at Villa Boreh, I had an amazing meditation.  I should precede this story but explaining that in the amazing bubble of this retreat, I’d experienced two brief connections with him.  I’d been having wildly vivid dreams every night.  They were complex, multi-faceted dreams that I recalled in detail and could record when I awoke.  I found out 3 days later that the villa I was staying in was haunted.  I’m kind of thankful for that, because I was delivered many messages and lessons and truths.  The only night I didn’t dream, I’d eaten chocolate before bed, had a terrible sleep and woke in the morning with a powercord across my chest!  Make of that what you will!

The first dream I had was of Scott.  I won’t go into the detail in this post.

The second was before a challenging session I was about to go into. I was nervous.  As I walked into the kitchen, I ‘felt’ his sadness.  It’s what I’m going to call a BWH – Brush with Heaven.  Have I written of this concept before? I kind of feel like I have.  For the Grey’s Anatomy fans out there, there’s a scene when the spirit of Danny Ducat brushes past Izzie in the hallway.  Their hands mingle together in a stolen, still, moment in time.  Their soul’s acknowledge each other for the length of a heartbeat, before time continues.

This is what I experienced. …..as well as

…..SLES.

So back to the meditation.  Usually I’m pretty present, but on this day I was having a ho-hum experience.  It was an angel meditation.  However 3/4 of the  way through there was an invitation to meet your loved ones in heaven.  Immediately I was taken to a scene in the clouds.  Scott (wearing his Latitude shirt and his good shorts, not his canterbury shorts).  He was hugging me so tightly, crying, inconsolable.  Whispering in my ear that he was sorry for leaving me alone.  I was consoling him, saying it was ok.  Behind him, his Uncle Peter, to his left. Right hand on his shoulder, grave look on his face.  This  was unusal, because Uncle Peter never looks like that.  I felt his melancholy.  I felt his sadness, his grief and his frustration that he couldn’t help Scott.  Eveything was out of his control.  Nothing could be fixed.  I was shocked by the ferocity of the image, and felt my heart breaking just a little more.  My man was broken.  He didn’t want to leave me and I interpreted this as he was stuck and unable to cross.  He was still coming to terms with the suddenness of his departure and couldn’t reconcile this.

The meditation lasted another 15 minutes and I thought I had my shit together.  But I couldn’t shake the heavy feel of my heart and the cloud of sadness.  I felt like someone had punched me in the chest because it hurt..not physically, but like there was a huge weight and I was drowning in the feeling of it.  I couldn’t stop crying for half an hour.  I had to excuse myself…(I did have nose drippage down my face..so it was required).

There’s other stuff, but I’m going to revert back to my session today.

Jana thought the message of him being stuck was misinterpreted.  I’d correctly felt that he didn’t want to leave and applied my own definition of why.  This is what she said – “He doesn’t want to leave you because he doesn’t realise what this means.  He’s scared to leave you alone. Yes.  But he doesn’t want to leave your side because he’s scared you’re going to move into another relationship and fall in love.  He thinks you’ll forget him, that the love you shared will be dissipated.  LES!  He doesn’t realise that by moving into the light, all of those feelings will go, only love will remain”

We prayed.  The intention? To help move him.  To talk to him and allow him to believe that greater things awaited him.  I was in a place of turmoil at this stage.  The weight on my chest was back.  …..focus on breathing, focus on breathing….

We went through a process.  I said all I needed to say.  Jana guided.  Finally I received an image.  One that I’ve received before. Me and bummer, in the clouds, having a 30 second dance party.  Weight on chest gone.

Jana felt him revisit the crash site. Go through the motion of what happened and felt the flames of the bike burning.  Its helpful for me to add that I hadn’t given her the detail of his bike being on fire.  Then she felt a whoosh as him/his soul was sucked up into a vortex.  Does this mean he’s crossed? I don’t know.  Time will tell.

All I know is that this day has surprised me.  In a way that only Bali can,  healing has occurred.  Unexpectedly. And I’m grateful.  I’m putting it out there.

A little prayer :

Bummer, I love you like no other.
I miss you like no other.
But I need you to help guide me, and you can’t do that here.
Please join Uncle Peter in Heaven’s pub.
He needs you too.
Love from your Poni (whose now grown into a unicorn) xxx

And so it is
~Namaste~

Pee-gate, Bad habits, Soul connections, Humility, Being mindful

We are all beautiful in our own unique way.  You remember the Dr Seuss quote?

image

Our idiosyncrasies define our uniqueness.  We may have been born with them.  We  may have learned them through our life experiences.  Sometimes they have a lesson to teach us.  As we move through life we tend to gather more of them.   Some are endearing.   Some are to our detriment.  But the universal rule should be that these gifts should empower us and not stand in the way from us expressing our authentic self.

Lesson #1 Never hold it in. Its very distressing.
I took a van ride from Lovina to Ubud.  I utilised the time to maximum efficiency, responding to messages and writing lists.  I was partway through a text and 1.5 hours into the trip when I thought,  I need to pee.  I need to pee and its 1.5 hours to Ubud.  Should I ask the driver to stop – am I going to make it?  The next word I swyped auto corrected to urine.  Sigh.  I guess I’m not going to make it.

Now one of my idiosyncrasies is that I detest inconveniencing people.   I usually have a pretty strong bladder – what the hell? Reluctantly I stuck my head into the front and asked the driver if we could have a toilet break.  Ok he said.  Now, apparently the Balinese say Ok to everything, they don’t like saying no or admitting misunderstanding.

…Sooo…40 minutes later, we hadn’t stopped and I gathered this was one of those ‘ok’ but actually I don’t understand’ situations.  Now I really needed to go!  Big sigh.  I pulled out the trusty Lonely Planet and wrote Kamar Kecil on a scrap of paper (toilet in Baha).  When I floated it in front of his face he had to pull over to read it.  This indication of poor eyesight did concern me for a second, given the high mountain passes, narrow roads and steep cliffs, before attention was diverted back to my bladder.  He efficiently organised for me to use a shop owners bathroom – which was  meticulously clean, I might add.

The point of my pee story – it took me nearly an hour to decide to inconvenience everyone.  Did I have a choice?  I don’t think so.  Though its apparently acceptable to squat by the sidedoor or pee against the back door.  Now I’m a smart educated woman.  I know the ill effects of ‘holding on’.  My requirement to not be a burden created a ridiculous situation.  Every time the driver slowed down for a dog, child or potential head on collision, in my mind, was a chance that he was stopping and I wouldn’t have to inconvenience anyone or highlight my bladder weakness.

In my mind, this was a little lesson in itself, one which I had no option but to learn:
1)  Stop battling with yourself.  There are plenty of battles in the world for you to engage in without beating yourself up.
2)  Never hold it in.  Its very distressing.
3)   Always learn the Baha word for toilet before you get into situations where you might wet your pants

Lesson #2  Bad habits and Soul Connections
I have some bad habits I’m not proud of.  Some of them I had.  Some of them I’m still working on.

*  I take really long showers, wasting water, getting fluoride and chlorine poisoned in the process.
*  I binge on junk food and sugary treats from time to time
*  Sometimes I don’t answer the phone or check my voicemail
*  I preach
*  I procrastinate
*  I fill the gaps in conversations because silence makes me feel uncomfortable
*  Sometimes I stay in my pjs all day and eat donuts and watch shit TV
*  I’ve been known to gossip a little (oohh that was hard to admit)

There is a magical process that happens when 2 peoples souls talk to each other.  Idiosyncrasies become revered if not irrelevant.  The soul connection can often be misconstrued as romantic because we are quite unused to having such connections in a pleutonic context.  The connections I’ve had pop into my path over the last 10 months have been unexpected, undeniable and overwhelmingly strong.

A true  friend needs to be your mirror.  How can there be truth without it?  The only rule is for this smack round the head to come from heart space.

image

I used to be a little shy about actively pursuing someone I wanted to spend time with.  But I realise now that they were far less exciting connections anyway – like worlds apart.  It seems we all tend to clump together as like minded individuals, which is great if you find your tribe early on.  But challenging if you don’t realise that you’re in the wrong tribe, or if you’re searching for the wrong tribe or if you’re blindingly oblivious to there being a tribe for you.  (No boys, I’m not referring or suggesting I’m about to become a lesbian)

This might explain it a bit better:

image

After pee-gate occurred, now that I could sit without crossing my legs while pretending to gaze admiringly and nonchalantly at the scenery,  I wanted to listen to some music.   I already had my earphones plugged in but was surprised to find that the music player had turned itself on.   This was the song that was playing,  by Pink and Nate Reuss.  I love this song.  I think Pink is amazingballs!  The title is ‘Just give me a reason’.  I’m still mulling over the message (maybe you can help?), but this verse stands out to me.  This to me, pretty much describes this blog in a nutshell, as well as a few special, individual soul connections:

Right from the start
You were a thief you stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren’t all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them

On my last day in Lovina, I received what I like to call ‘incoming traffic’.  A lot of it.  It doesn’t happen all the time.  But it does seem to present as rush hour incoming traffic.  I know I called out to you all in my last blog and I’m glad you answered.  What was a 2 hour pampering session turned into a 6 hour relaxation fest.  I spent 4 hours lying on the day bed in the garden supping iced teas and chatting to friends.  It was bliss!

We cried.  We laughed.  Healing happened.  Connections were made.  Relationships escalated to higher levels.  ..And after…as with every night in Lovina, I sat on the beach watching the sunset with Putu my fruit lady, talking about how much fruit she’d sold that day.

I can’t express the level of gratitude I have for these soul connections.  You know who you are.

Life is a series of connections.  Whether you’re connecting with yourself, nature, a creature or another person, seriously, what else is there?  What else in life is more important than this?

In Chinese astrology I’m a fire dragon.  Maybe this won’t surprise some of you.

At a retreat I attended called Living Intuition, one of the exercises was reweaving the family web.  We filled up a whole whiteboard with every single negative word we could brainstorm.  Then we filled up a second.  Then we filled up a third.  After morning tea we squeezed some more in to fill up any white space.  There were A LOT of bad words.  I won’t go into the exercise that proceeded.  I’ll save that for another blog.  However I wanted to illustrate my next point.

In the past, for any negative emotion that I experienced, whether it be frustration, sadness, depression, pain, nervousness, I’d present this as anger.  This was the only emotion that I could process.  (Actually, in my case I wasn’t processing at all)

My business partner nicknamed me EP.  Evil Poni.  I’m afraid that one has stuck and my reputation sometimes precedes me.

Yes sometimes I’m a little passive aggressive.  Yes I do tend to get a bit wound up when I’m slighted.  Yes I do get blunt, frank, and challenging.  I’m working on mastering better skills.  Michael tells me I’d benefit from a course in Non-Violent communication ****mmmm, ponder*** – Similar to the concept I presented on inner peace not so many blogs ago – Come on BVOM, I haven’t got all day, how many courses do I have to complete before I’m whole??

I sent this through to my family group chat a few days ago:

image

My brothers answer was ‘nothing wrong with a little anger’

My reply:

image

I’m not saying his view is wrong.  It can’t be wrong because it’s his truth.   But I do believe that by allowing anger,  we are succumbing and becoming lesser versions of ourselves.

I’m proud to say that I’m now separating out my emotions, really feeling them, surrendering to them, processing them.  The result? Empowerment. I promise you.

Lesson #3  Mindfulness – Celebrate Life, but don’t be an asshole about it
I have a friend, Fi.  She’s an amazing woman.  Successful financial markets career, but her heart was captured by Cambodia.  She travels there multiple times a year as a volunteer, holds down a full time job and serves on 2 boards.   I’m always amazed at the sheer magnitude of her commitments – she has a super generous spirit and gives all too much.

She asked me to consider the concept of humility.  I’ve considered it.

Its hard to discern the difference between being open and authentic and excited and ‘knowing’ and…. just being a big skite.

When I’m excited I like to share.  I want to sing from the rooftops.
When I’m confident, I make statements.  I don’t ask for opinions.
When I’m in tune, I like to write.

Definition: Humility
A modest or low view of ones importance.  The act or posture of lowering oneself in relation to others.

I reject this definition.

Humility is widely seen as a virtue in many religions and philosophies.  I would, if pushed to give myself a label, see myself as spiritual, not religious.

I hereby redefine humility as the following: (because it’s my blog,  I can do what I bloody like) (no offense)  (WP!!!)

Being confident, but not arrogant.

Being sure, but not cocky.

Being excited, but not overbearing.

Being proud, but not pretentious.

Being courageous, but not cavalier.

Being kind-hearted and generous, but not high handed.

So, I’m good with being humble, if only by my own definition, but, my truth is, there are several hundred concepts, for me, that precede this one in terms of importance.  I do however, feel immense gratitude for having a friend like Fi who feels comfortable with challenging me on my ideologys, for being a mirror.  (Welcome and respect any comments Fi!)

Being mindful is really important to me.  Being mindful of your words and actions, your opinions and your integrity.  I find it really challenging.  It requires a level of tact and awareness that don’t come naturally to me, so in that vein, and, because I’ve not introduced any new acronyms to you today,  Instead,  I’m going to cheat with some wisdom that Michael passed onto me that is an oldie but a goodie and really resonates with me:

The four agreements
1.  Be impeccable with your word
Speak with integrity.  Say only what you mean.  Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.   Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t take anything personally
Nothing others do is because of you.   What others say and do is a projection of their own reality,  their own dream.   When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others,  you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t make assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to explore what you really want.   Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstanding,  sadness and drama.   With just this one agreement,  you can completely transform your life

4.Always do your best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment: it will be difficult when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance,  simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgement,  self-abuse,  and regret.

~Namaste~

REFERENCES

If you’d like to read about Fi’s adventures in Cambodia,  click on the following link to her blog:
http://fionawhite.semisite.com

Techniques to ground yourself
Common themes I’ve had coming through from everyone are anxiety, unsettledness, stress, brain busyness and insomnia.  A really good thing to do is learning to ground yourself. I really like this link,  but I’d add a few things to it, that I find effective which are:

1) putting my earphones on and listening to music.
2) getting some high intensity cardio in, rather than just walking or yoga.  Its hard to wallow when you’re doing bootcamp!
3) Sit in a chair,  feet flat on the ground.  Take 5-10 minutes.  Feel your arms on the chair rests.  Feel the temperature of the room,  the feel of your clothes on your skin.  Feel your chest rising and falling as you breathe. Tighten each muscle,  then release,  feeling the circulation of blood through your body and the muscles begin to relax.
4) Meditation – once mastered, the ultimate relaxation tool. Recommend a guided Meditation to start.   There are loads of free ones you can download including lots on Spotify.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-10144/6-ways-to-ground-yourself-when-youre-feeling-anxious.html

Gratitude, Good Karma, Anti-Posturing & BVOM

Ok folks, you can all let out that collective breath you were holding.  Yesterday’s blog was just a tad heavy.  I’m not apologising for it – there will be more like it.   As my amazing friend Slinny put it ‘it answered the questions that I was too afraid to ask’.  My answer to that?  I’m in a good space – so ask away people,  whatever, whenever.  I invite you to comment actively.  It creates a healing environment for everyone and promotes deeper discussion.

We’re real friends now – we’ve shared some painful experiences.  We know each other.  We know the pain, the questions in each other’s heart’s- May Sarton

A lesson in being present – yet again!!
As an aside, here’s what happened.  It seems that being present is a constant challenge for me.  Last night I wrote 2/3 of a blog.   I wanted to write a blog on health.   I have lots to say on health.  I had spent the whole day texting various friends and family bits of what I thought was helpful information and opinion.  Soooo…it turns out I was in sermon mode.  Oops…sorry to my victims!  Though I think I’m getting better at assisting people by enabling them rather than rescuing them (tx for making that point Michael!), I wondered why I had so much material on health but it wasn’t coming together.  Why did it all feel wrong?  I gave up and retired from my awesome candlelit table on the beach, to my villa. I opened my journal.  And out spilled yesterday’s blog in one foul dark evacuation.

But as hard as I tried, I couldn’t get it to publish.  WordPress is a bitch with slow internet!

I woke up thinking about my blog failures and spent the next hour walking around the beach (tough I know) finding enough reception to publish, then edit, update and republish.  Finally done. Interestingly, despite it being the weekend, there was very little feedback.   I now know you all read my blog secretly at work while pretending to download quarterly reports or something else similarly less interesting than reading about death.   Were you all too shocked and dumbfounded into silence.  Maybe you felt uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say?  Please don’t tell me you haven’t read it and less than one year on I’m no longer the centre of your universe. Two letters people – WP!!  I still have a month left of my minimum one year of support – so in the words of Cristina Yang ‘buck up’.
oh and thx for sticking round..xx

image

It seems we all prefer to be inspired, and we feel disconcerted by awkward, emotional and frankly depressing situations.   (Correct me if I’m wrong)  As I noted on one of my group chats – some things are just fucked up – whichever way you look at them.

Savour this moment
Anyway,  Kirsty, get to the point..my little truth was that I was trying to educate (ie rescue/preach) instead of being inspired by the purpose of this blog – to heal myself.  The blogs must be written with my story in mind and it must be true for me today – I have to be feeling it in order to be inspired to write about it.   When I blog with this purpose in mind, the words flow effortlessly, the posts write themselves.  Just like this one is.

The second lesson in being present came as I embarked on my adventure this afternoon.   For the first hour I felt anxiety in my gut.  I looked into it.  Turns out I couldn’t stop thinking about epic blog failure.  Maybe I’d lost the Bali magic?  Maybe all the super powers I’d built up from the retreat had dissipated over the course of a week?  Possible.  No.  Back came a simple and critical affirmation:

Savour this moment.  Taste it, smell it, hear it, feel it, touch it.

Instantaneously I felt the anxiety shift. I felt lighter.  Clarity returned..and with it the inspiration for this blog!

image

Anti-posturing/KUWTJT
Anyone who has ever done any sales training or been in a professional role knows about posturing.

Cambridge Definition: Posturing
A behaviour or speech intended to attract attention or interest in order to make people believe something that is not true.

I’m not completely ok with this definition – its so much more than that,  however for the purpose of this it’ll be fine.  I raise this with reference to KUWTJT.  Keeping Up With The Jones theory.  One reason I desperately wanted to escape Wellington before I exploded,  was KUWTJT. Everyone is chasing the million dollar property with the million dollar mortgage, 2.5 kids, some kind of dog involving a doodle (spoodle, labradoodle), and the latest SUV.  I’m not going to go all Nigel Latta on you…yet…but Welly just isn’t my space at the moment.  For most its a race without a finish line.  One of my teacher friends from Hong Kong sent me the following – many thanks secret agent Marissa.

image

As I was sidling back from 3 hours of pampering massage I observed 3 Balinese women elegantly swaying down the sidewalk, heavy baskets balanced atop their heads,  body perfectly aligned from top to toe, shoulders back.   They were delighting in each others company, basking in life, content to just be.  We could label it an excellent picture of deportment.  I like to think of it as the antithesis of Western posturing – Anti-Posturing.

Definition: Anti-Posturing
Behaviour or speech intended for no particular reason except to live in the moment in alignment with your truth thereby creating unlimited inner peace – a skill which other people are intrigued by for their inability to replicate it in their own lives.

Gratitude
Yesterday and every year,  the Balinese have a ceremony where they give thanks and gratitude to their cars and motorcycles.  They hang decorations on their respective vehicles.  They give thanks that these machines have worked relentlessly for them over the past year and they pray for it to continue.  This also includes all appliances and technology,  coffee machines, laptops etc.  This sounds slightly odd, right?  Not to me.  But that’s a whole discussion for a different blog.  Every 6 months they also give thanks to all the trees amongst other things.

Made the photographer has a habit of saying thank after every sentence.  Our conversations tend to go like this:

M – Here’s your mango  Thank you
K – No -Thank YOU!
M – No – Thank YOU!!

I slog away correcting my self talk,  plastering positive affirmations everywhere and diarising my morning gratitude session, but to the Balinese its second nature.  Everyone is expected to participate, its engrained into them from birth.

image

Good Karma
Mades business is called Good Karma – I consider it very good fortune indeed that I met him.  Most Balinese that I’ve met are intensely aware of the effects of good and bad karma.

Made the driver described how his driver friend set an above market price for an Aussie client.  The result – a serious accident and his vehicle (& livelihood) out of commission.

There is a repayment of debt required by any visitor to a place like Bali.  You got to come here and have a dirt cheap holiday.  Pay it forward.  These people need your help.

This evening I spent 3 hours with Made setting up a facebook page for his business.  We scootered to his friends warung  and ate delicious spicy homecooked local food. We chatted about some easy strategies and add ons to the business but mainly it was about him, who he was, how to deal with his brain busy-ness, what was his first inspiration to start sculpting, how big was his house going to be when he was rolling in cash….Dinner was  $4.50.  I splashed out and had 2 iced teas.

BVOM

Definition : Best Version Of Me

There are several themes that keep popping up for me:
1) Remaining present
2) Focussing on fun times
3) Holding space

1) and 2) I’ve talked about already.


Holding space
Made and I trekked into see 2 waterfalls today.  The second one was amazing.  I think because noone else was around and we could get really close and feel the spray and noise engulf us.  It had crazy good energy and I immediately felt a desire to do some reiki (are you reading this Aaron S. and applauding??)…and yes people, the cats out of the bag, I practice Reiki!  Made was intrigued when I told him I was going to do a Reiki session and said enthusiastically ‘me too!’  So I did a short self reiki treatment.  It was just what I needed.  I opened my eyes to find a Swiss couple waiting politely for me to finish.  The calm and peace I’d been missing from the start of the day had instaneously been replenished and I was feeling a little humbled and also ashamed I hadn’t been following a daily practice.

In one of my sessions with Michael, 3 very distinct personalities were revealed.  Realme had been buried under a pile of shit for so long that her little voice was meek and she had given up.

Holding space means so many things to me:
1)  Following my intuition
2)  Reiki
3)   Yoga
4)   Meditation
5)   80% raw diet
6)   Keeping Realme happy
7)  Remaining present
8)  Expressing gratitude
9)  Sunshine, Sea
10)  Climbing mountains

Undoubtedly 95% of the readers of my blog at this stage will be positively confused.  But I don’t blame you for that.  My own mother sent me a SMS asking what I was really doing in Bali.  My mother in law wanted to make sure I hadn’t joined a cult.  You might think I’ve changed. I’m telling you now, I’ve just been dusting off the BVOM – Better Version Of Me.

image

My current affirmations:
– Savour this moment
– Fun, Freedom, Health, Spirit

Very touching movie on Bali:
Bali: Life is an offering (Thx for the recommendation Michael)

Book:
The Secret: the Law of attraction

On that day – 23 Nov 2014

The following excerpts are taken from my journey entries from the 1st January 2014 – the first day I started writing.  They record what happened on that day – 23rd November 2013.

Every day since you died I wake up.  My first thought is always – Scott died.  He’s never coming home.  I’m alone.

I remember sitting in front of the TV in the black chair,  still in my pjamas, eating donuts, except they were those whoopie pie things that you get from New World.  This was my usual position when Scott went away.   Chilling, watching junk TV, eating junk food.  I had a missed call but I didn’t recognise the number.   I don’t answer phone calls from blocked ID’s on the weekend.  Half an hour later I received another call.   This time from Bruce. This didn’t alarm me.  Scott was often using other people’s phones to call me.  He was shocking with phones,  always destroying them,  losing them.   The insurance companies refused to cover him for phone damage due to all his claims.  Bruce was saying that Scotty had been in an accident.   That he’s ok.  He’s talking. Hes in a helicopter on his way to Nelson hospital.   But I should come.   He’d need support.

I was thrown for a second.  It was just after 12.30.  I’d just received a text from him an hour ago.  Come on brain.  Process.  He’d been in a head on collision.  My heart sunk. The sinking feeling continued down into my gut and from then on my brain behaved badly.   I went upstairs to take a shower then thought I must book a flight.  It was 1.30pm. The flight was at 4pm.  I hadn’t packed yet.   I had a shower – Not a short shower.  The shower is my thinking place.   I needed to think.   I had a feeling – a bad feeling,  a feeling that I hadn’t experienced before.

I started packing.   When I looked out the window there was a police car in the driveway and 2 policemen pounding on the door.  They’d been sent around to tell me that Scotty had been in a serious accident.   That I must call the hospital.   I was annoyed with them.   I knew that already and they were wasting my time.  Mainly I was annoyed at myself for wasting time because I’d had a shower.

I called the hospital.   They said I must get down there ASAP. He was in a critical condition.  Assholes!  I called people.  Then I updated the neighbour on the way out.  The police hadn’t offered to drive me so I sped off from home at 3pm.  I was driving erratically down the highway,  without a seat belt on and on my phone without hands free.  I was in a crazy state.   When I got to the airport I couldn’t find a carpark so I dumped the car in a handicapped zone, left the keys in it and called a friend to come and pick it up – and just ran.   I’d missed the boarding call. The staff told me to run.   So stressed.  I made it on time.  I sat in the plane in turmoil,  crying the whole way across.   I was picked up by the boys.  It was a glorious sunny Nelson day.  Everything felt wrong with it being so glorious.  WTF?

I wanted to go straight to the hospital.  It was like we were turning up for a friendly visit.   We were directed down silent corridors to a tiny waiting room.   It was deserted.   We 3 sat there, Bruce the voice of reason telling us that we can only go on the information that we had to date,  there was no point stressing.  I didn’t want to believe what I had already felt at 12.30, that he had gone already.   So we 3 sat there, pretending that there was a chance.  Bruce left to get pizza.   At this stage he’d been in surgery for 6 hours.   Every hour that passed felt like it was an added possibility that I could be wrong.   After all, he’s built like a brick shithouse plus he loves receiving attention.

The police come in to take statements.   They’d only been there for a few minutes before one of the surgeons asks them to leave.  Instant apprehension.   He didn’t say a lot.  Serious internal injuries.   Couldn’t stop bleeding.  Extensive damage to internal organs.   He was almost certain  – 95% certain that he wouldn’t survive.  He wasn’t going to make it.  Time stood still.  SLES.  They weren’t even sure if he would survive the transfer from the operating theatre to ICU.  He might die on the way before we could say goodbye.   Instant shock. I asked if we could go into theatre.

The next thing I know we’re being ushered into ICU.  Its a curtained cubicle.   We’re not given gowns or anything sterile, but I didn’t acknowledge that at the time.

I look at him.  I know he’s already gone.  It doesn’t look like him.  The anaesthetist introduces himself.   He states that within 30 minutes the machines will stop and Scotty will die.   I feel annoyed.   He has a 5% chance – the surgeon said so.   As soon as the anaesthetist leaves Scotty W and I start talking to him, trying to rouse him,  like what happens in the movies when there’s a miraculous recovery.   But there isn’t.  Heart death isn’t like on Greys Anatomy when the line goes flat on the screen because they turn the machines off.  Because there’s no hope.   There are no warning bells to tell us that he slipped away at 7.30pm.

His body then,  has no interest for me.  It didn’t hold him anymore.   Some of the boys turn up at the hospital.   I invite them in to say their goodbyes.   We tell stories.   We laugh.  We pray.   We stayed until there wasn’t anymore reason to be there.

Where?  Where has it gone, that light,  that spark,  that love that looked into mine?  What has it to do with that cold clay?  Its here,  here,  here in my heart.   He’s in me,  around me.  Nothing in that clay.
-Anzia Yezierska

The police officer gave me his wedding ring.   He’d been wearing it.  He doesn’t usually wear his ring.   I clung to that ring like it was a life line and I was drowning.

image

Validation, Perturbation, SLES, WP & being in love

Little lessons inspired by everyone

Perturbation
– A disturbance of motion, course, arrangement or state of equilibrium.
– A disturbance of the regular and usually elliptical course of motion of a celestial body that is produced by some force
additional to that which causes its regular motion.

Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like & celebrating it for everything it is

Validation
– To prove that something is based on truth or fact or is acceptable. It requires the support or action from someone else to make it valid.

SLES (Spontaneous Leaky Eye Syndrome)
– Not to be confused with LES, SLES is sudden, uncontrollable, accompanied by a confused/frustrating feeling of ‘where the fuck did that come from?’

WP (Widow/Widowers Privilege)
– The Widow/Widower can do, say or act however the fuck they want and get away with it. The recipient will listen, comply, nod tactfully or agree unless they’re a complete asshole.  WP extends for a minimum of one year from the date of loss of a loved one.  Time will vary on whether the Widow/Widower is a tosser.

Definition: Being in Love
– Your partner wants to be happy.  They love and respect themselves.  They are open and ready to receive love.  They want you to be happy.  They want to give you pleasure.
– You are happy.  You love and respect yourself.  You are open and ready to receive love.  You want your partner to be happy. You want to give them pleasure.

We are all a little weird and Lifes a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours,  we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it Love – dr seuss

This blog took me 6 hours to write.  It was painful.  Not emotionally painful.  Pulling hair out painful.  My tab kept closing my word doc.  Everytime I lost 2 paragraphs.  I wondered why this was happening, why it was so difficult just to get a few words recorded…I asked myself this question as I was about to give up and received a very clear answer – stop trying to control everything.  Life is a constant perturbation.  Shit happens – suffering is optional (Tx Michael!)

Was ever  grief like mine?
On the 23rd of September I was walking along the lake edge between Pukawa and Kuratau.  10 months to the day had passed since Scotty’s death.  I had woken early, acknowledged this fact and had just emerged from the bush feeling like a bad widow because today I felt good.  Why wasn’t I in the depths of despair?  As this thought unfurled from my consciousness,  a fantail swooped in from the lake divebombing my legs, frantically,  playfully, circling my body.

Instant SLES.  Indescribable change of energy, undeniable, unexplainable. I stood still, tears streaming, feeling the dark emptiness of loss.  The fantail disappeared to the safety of a branch in a nearby tree before returning to circle my legs once again then flew back over the lake.  I attempted to process. I failed.  I willed the fantail to fly back.  I sent a silent confirmation request to the powers that be – If it flew back again it must be Scotty.  I waited.  Nothing.  Disappointment. More LES.  I walked again.  As I took one heavy, reluctant step forward the fantail swooped in again from the lake,  erratically circling my legs again.  I burst into sudden, hysterical laughter/SLES and exclaimed out loud, ‘Is that you Scotty?’  In answer he flew around my legs and out over the lake again.  I stood. I waited.  I took a step forward – back he swooped in a frenzied state of “look at me!” ….see how I cartwheel and loop de loop?? I jumped up and down,  clapping my hands, crying, laughing and talking to the fantail……until I noticed the deckful of curious bystanders in the very nearby bach…….

The fantail followed me all the way down the grass courseway in the same manner.  After it left, fantails joined me all the way to the river then all the way back to the start of the bush, swooping across  my path to get my attention, then performing crazy acrobatics,  sitting on branches,  doing somersaults, then eyeing me from a branch, waiting for my acknowledgement.

image

Its just so unfair – why couldn’t it have been someone else?

‘We loved how you (Scotty) wore your heart on your sleeve and treated Kirsty like a queen’.  (My amazing friend Ma)

‘I was always jealous of your relationship…its what I want’

I arrogantly class our relationship as superior to all others, even today.  Why?  Its ever so simple.  We liked each other. We wanted to be around each other all the time, even when we were independently seeking fun.  We talked to each other 10-20 times daily, most days.  We spoiled each other and sought exciting spontaneous things to do together.  We were bonded together through hardship, the abandonment of friends.  We sought comfort from each other when things went pear-shaped.

But what was it that created the strongest link between us that has survived beyond death?  Scott would say to me time and time again, ‘Poni, I only want to make you happy.  I don’t ever want to leave you alone.  I’d do anything to make you happy’

Some of this you may not understand, but I guarantee you, if anyone was to replicate the love that Scotty surrounded me with, your relationship would not falter.

The magic of Bali….
I left the protective bubble of my retreat.  I felt lonely…as Scotty would say..the lonely birds are calling…I allowed myself to surrender and really feel it.  As I walked down the street I saw a sign for pedicures. I decided to treat myself.  It turns out that a wedding is taking place.  I was met at the entrance by Made the photographer.  He insisted I should join them.  My protests were met with an indignant glance and I was duly pulled in, seated, given snacks. The bride and groom came over to welcome me.  They were very appreciative that I’d stopped by.  Made told me his life story.  I was invited to stay for the wedding dinner.  On Friday I’m stopping into Mades shop to see his hand crafted woodwork.  Hes bringing mangos from his village (because shhh! they’re soo expensive from the market!!).

As I sat in the wedding I was musing on how cool this was, that I must get pictures.  I wondered what perspective  I would write about it from in my blog.  I strategised when would be a good time to get a picture and then leave politely.  I stopped.  What was wrong with me?  I’d been miserably trudging down the road when these amazing people had rescued me.  I wasn’t appreciating this moment.  When did life become one big fat desire for validation?  In that moment I realised the true power and magic of connection.  If you have inner peace, validation is not required.

While Widowers Privilege may appear to be a fringe benefit, its a massive pain in the arse.  While I’m running around trying to make soul connections, everyone else is busy trying to rescue me.  I have to admit that I practically invented the rescuing concept, I’m so adept at it.  But no more!

This is what I know:

I don’t need sympathy.
I don’t need rescuing.
I don’t need people to fix me.
I don’t need people to agree to everything I say.
I don’t need people to be strong for me.
I don’t need people to treat me differently
I don’t need people to protect me

We can all do ourselves a favour.  Take a look in the mirror.  Find your truth.

As I said to a friend this week. I miss him. But I don’t miss him 24/7 anymore. When I do miss him its like a Mac truck smashing into me.  But its not stopping me from opening the door and walking outside anymore.

Positive Affirmations
They work like magic.  My lovely friend Simone, who always seems to pop up in my blogs, has a fabulous affirmations blackboard. I love it!  And amazing Ma has a book full of affirmations that have successfully cured ailments like infections.  Write your affirmations everywhere.  Attach them to daily tasks and exercise. Live them, breathe them, feel them come alive.  The only requirement is an open heart!  Trust the process.

My current affirmations:
“I stand on my own two feet and take full responsibility for my life”
“My life is a retreat”

I’d like to thank my good friend Michael for his guidance.   This blog is inspired from many of his teachings (not the swearing!).

Life happens. It happens for a reason.

the present

We can’t anticipate the grief process and what comes next.  Once again, I sat down to write, on a completely different topic, but my mind diverted me to what is true for me today, what I need to express today.

I often muse that a lot of people, myself included, who have experienced a trauma, if they survive, quite often are reawakened to a sense of purpose, a desire to change, an enlightenment and a need to simplify and learn their truth.  In fact, that is how we should have been living in the first place, but somehow along the way, life has gotten in the way and we’ve forgotten how to look after our bodies and our minds.  In fact, the universe has been sending you signs all along, telling you that you’re not on your path.  When we don’t listen, the shit hits the fan.

If you are not at peace, then you are not on your path

I’ve learned this the hard way, but I’ve also come to an important realisation – Everything is for a reason, nothing is by accident.  The only true way to navigate life is to listen to your intuition.  The universe will tell you when you’re off course….just follow the breadcrumbs..

IMG_169042266246916

I constantly muse around ‘Free Will’ versus ‘Everything happening for a reason, nothing by accident’.  The universe is intelligent.  As a network of living creatures, we are intelligent.  Whether you choose to believe it or not, we are connected – either unconsciously, or consciously (if you wish).

Scott (my husband) was an excellent motorbike rider.  He took risks, he rode fast, without fear, completely in the present.  I’ve never felt unsafe riding with him.  I trusted him and his ability implicitly.  So did his friends.  His life was a history of risk – Airforce pilot, Rugby and Cricket Rep, Foreign Exchange Trader.  He had lots of accidents, head injuries, knee injuries, car and bike accidents.  He made lots of mistakes, but he didn’t die…until the 23 November 2013.

Was this woven into the fabric of the universe?  Did he have a higher power calling him home?  Or was it just an accident.  If, like me, you adhere to the theory that everything is for a reason, nothing by accident, it either follows that the Universe was calling him home, or it was his own free will – he decided.

Scott didn’t enjoy his job in Hong Kong, for whatever reason.  We always had very open discussions around death and dying.  When he was most miserable he’d tell me that his soul was dying.  He had a desperate desire to come home to NZ.  Anyone who knows us, knows that the last 6 years have been financially unstable, stressful.  So, we give away our beautiful dogs and leave for Hong Kong.  Two and a half years later, Scott gets made redundant.  7 months after we’ve settled back into NZ, Scott is dead.

The most unfair part of this journey, is that, he was finally home, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and then,  some asshole in heaven decided it was his time.  Or did they? If you knew Scott, like me, you’d understand that a part of his Soul did die, it died awhile ago under the burden of life.

Life happens.  It happens for a reason.

The universe has a funny way of ensuring that balance ensues.  The body also has this ability – you just haven’t been listening to the signs.  When the Yin doesn’t equal the Yang, your lifeforce is challenged.

After Scott passed, my world fell apart.  My friend, Simone, describes it as being in a washing machine.  When I finally went back to work, I started experiencing strong, desperate desires to get back in my car and just drive – anywhere – as long as I wasn’t at work.  I finally answered that call in June this year and its the best decision I’ve made.  (more on that later)

I realise that Scott’s death was an event that has catapulted me into the life that is my true and authentic self.  For that I am grateful.  I wish with all of my heart, that he was still here with me.  But also, I wish that I had not been stupid and made bad decisions.

IMG_19839173343378

Morning pages

I wanted to add in a handy tool for uncovering that pesky true self…

http://juliacameronlive.com/basic-tools/morning-pages/

This technique was recommended to me by my friend Jehanne Thomas of http://www.lovingvoice.com

It involves 3 pages of stream of consciousness journelling and is pretty powerful stuff. I recommend making this a regular practice.